RanDumb Brain Droppings

Charice on Glee - An Old Man's Thoughts

2010-06-22T08:24:00.004-05:00

I have been bad mouthing Charice for a couple years on this blog since Oprah called her the most talented girl, which we all know she is not but she does possess the ability to sing other people's songs to a certain degree of capability.

She can be shrilly, and overly cutesy for my taste, which is impeccable. So when a friend passed along information that Charice will be joining Glee next season, my first reaction was "huh"? Then it turned into, "That makes sense. Let other 14 year olds will bad taste in music enjoy her massacring classic songs that I enjoyed by the original artists".

Now to go off on a bit of a tangent - Hey young America - get some originality. Quit taking the music I grew up with and recording it. Stop taking television shows like A-Team and 90210 and making them more current. And for God's Sake, I sacrificed and let you mess with the cherished Karate Kid. DON'T TOUCH TOP GUN!!!

Thanks.

Friend a Friend Lyrics

2010-05-25T20:15:00.002-05:00

If you are like me, obsessed with lyrics from pre-K montessori classes, I bring to you the first in a series on lyrics of songs from Montessori school.

Part 1 in this multi-part series - "Friend A Friend". Not sure if that is the real title, but here it goes:

Friend, A Friend,
How do you do?
I give you my hand
I give to you
Round and round,
and round again
Now let's choose
another friend

Enjoy!

Charice's Album Drops and Sinks

2010-05-20T08:58:00.001-05:00

Time for more Charice hating!!!

Again, I am sure she is a lovely person and I hope she has a happy, healthy life.

Oh C'mon Old America. I am not buying the crappy package you are selling. I am in my early thirties (for another month anyway) and don't care for a little puppet girl singing songs that no one like 10-20 years ago.

Her album was released at number 8 last week selling a total of 43,000 albums. It looks like all of the people who claim to love her didn't go out and shed any money on their hero. Amazon is even giving away "In This Song" for free. Compare Charice to Susan Boyle who sold over 700,000 albums on her first week.

She is no Bowersox or Taylor Swift. Even with Oprah's big push to get this girl some scratch, the nation isn't buying it. Please stop forcing Ms. Pempengo into our lives.

America's Greatest Threat: Flip Flops

2010-05-19T20:41:00.003-05:00

We are plagued in society by something in our society that I must addresss. Something that many are afraid to speak out against for fear theat they will be chastised or portrayed as biased or uncool. The demon known as flip-flops.

They are like nails on a chalkboard Living in Chicago, when the temperature rises above 60, a small percentage of men abandon their Converse and the majority of the female population under 30 strap on the foot thongs and parade around the city producing a thundering chorus of smacking rubber and leather on the pavement.

Are they functional? Minimally. They cannot be comfortable as I can barely wear them between a parking lot and the beach.
Are they attractive? No, they are repulsive.
Do they make a pleasant noise? Obnixious enough to make me want to drill pencils into my ears.

Plus, how could you possibly expose your feet like this on the CTA. tt is a filthy , nasty, musty, odor filled environment inviting fungus. You are playing with fire young America with flip flops. Find a shoe with a heel strap, some ankle support, and bring us back to the nation where flip flops are confined to Spring Break and gym showers.

Charice Still Sucks - Alvin

2009-12-31T12:14:00.002-06:00

The two things I blog about is how Chariee sucks and about kids and the funny crap they do. My two worlds collided last Christmas when I brought my youngin to see his first feature length film at the Loew's "Alvin and the Chipmunk: The Squeakeul". The good news is that old third-somethings won't want to commit harry carry during the film. It is very engaging and David Cross from Mr. Show is an entertaining likeable bad guy.

Toward the end of the film, the chipmunks are to take part is a talent competition to save the school's music program. Different schools are showcasing their talent and who before my eyes appears, Charise Pempengco, the singer who I have written two less than flattering blogs. She also drives the most people to my website, so "Welcome fellow haters".

Charice comes out singing a bland version of Alicia Keys "No One" which she brings no new spin. We have only heard this song performed 1,000 times every season of American Idol during the audition stage. Was the performance bad? no. Was it anything memorable? no. Do I like to ask myself questions that I know the answer? absolutely.

For a period of time I though she had moved off of the radar, like the Backstreet Boys, but this looks like one last gasp by her agent to try and steal some Taylor Swift fans. Of course they won't be able to because Taylor can write, sing, play an instrument, perform, and has some major talent.

Charice seems like a nice enough girl. I don't have anything against her personally. I am just some dork writing a blog that someone may or may not read. But please stop trying to make me believe she is something she aint.

Shakira: Great for Dads, Not So Much For Kids

2009-12-05T10:39:00.000-06:00

My son loves to dance and music, especially Latin music with lots of horns. I can't stand that crap but can tolerate Shakira.

I turned on Hips Don't Lie and be both enjoyed shaking our tushes, even though all her moves are quite suggestive. Afterwards, I gave She Wolf a try. Once it started, look out.

There is Shakira in a flesh colored body suit dancing in a pink meshy tunnel that looks like a vagina. Although continuing having my son watch this would ensure him being heterosexual, I thought it best to find The Wiggles.

I'll save She Wolf for a later viewing

Best Children's Stories About Music

2009-10-26T20:52:00.001-05:00

If your little guy/girl's second passion, the first being saying the word poopy all the time, is music and you are looking for a special book that will satiate their needs, you have come to the right place. Below is an assemblage of picture books for the 2 to 5 year old in your life that doesn't dumb it down to much for the little poopy speakers. Taking my son to the library almost every week and having read a total of 12 books about orchestrates, marching bands, and jazz, I have done the hard work for you.
Behold!!! My list of the top 5 children's books about music:

Our Marching Band by Lloyd Moss and Diana Cain Bluthenthal - A fun band about a bunch of kids who aren't very talented by practice together at great length and become the town's prized marching band. The meter of this book is at a good pace and I enjoy how the towns folk find the band dreadful at the beginning.
This Jazz Man by Karen Ehrhardt and R.G. Roth - Lots of references to Jazz greats like Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker. A satisifying read with the only drawback being that it is set to the tune "The Old Man." The kids will enjoy finding the hidden mouse on each page.
Zin, Zin, Zin a Violin by Lloyd Moss and Marjorie Priceman - 10 different instruments and not one drum. I love it. Plus, you know two musicians are a duet the four musicians are a quartet. Do you know what seven musicians playing together are called? Read the book to find out. My big gripe is why do they make the bald guy the goofball bassoon player. That is....well it is not racism....but it is some kind of "ist". Lloyd Moss sure loves to write kids books about music.
Fiddle I Fee by Will Hillenbrand - So catchy a two and a half year old will talking about which animals please him or her. Its clean so get your mind out of the gutter.
The Remarkable Farkle McBride by John Lithgow and C. F. Payne - Yes, this is by that John Lithgow. Clever writing about a young man you loves an instrument from each section of the orchestra only to hate them. How will this book end? What will fickle Farkle do? You'll have to read to find out.

Honorable mention: Jazz on a Saturday Night, Violets Music.

Forget about them: Meet the Orchestra, Tuba Lessons.

Enjoy in good health my friends.

H1N1 Parenting Tips

2009-09-20T21:32:00.003-05:00

Since the whole world is giving their tips on how to best combat seasonal viruses, I wanted to do my part. Enjoy this exciting game and determine which of these statements are true:

1. If you have to sneeze or cough, do so in your hand or into the air
2. Touch your eyes, nose, and mouth frequently
3. If you have a fever but you have some crap you have to get done, that's cool. Go outside and take care of business.
4. Only pansies was there hands.
5. Get close to those who currently have the virus. Their germs will act as a forcefield and protect you.
6. Touch all the doorknobs from preschools, YMCAs, and Gymborees
7. Tongue kiss and licks the hands of strangers

I think the answers are pretty obvious. Numbers 2, 5, and 7 are false. The rest are true. Good luck and hopefully we'll all still be around in March.

Coffee Math

2009-09-18T20:39:00.002-05:00

I get looks from people at work due to the fact that I always seem to have a cup of coffee in my hand. Sorry my stink breath disturbs you. I try to eat a lifesavers but it just arms to mask the scent.

Just today, I was approached about why I drink so much. My reply was that it was my right by using coffee match. Coffee math?! What the he'll is that?! Fear not humble reader, I'll clue you in.
You start with the number 10. That is the max cups of coffee your basic human should consume. Then you subtract the number of hours you have slept. For example, you took in 8 hours. The result is the number of cups of coffee you are entitled. The answer would be two cups for this example in the event you didn't finish the fourth grade.

The reason I drink so much is because my crazy kid never goes to bed despite our infinite number of sleep training methods. Usually get 5-6 hours of sleep, so I chug 4-5 cups a day. It is one of the perks of being sleep deprived.

Emily Bear Not Charice - Most Talented

2009-05-05T11:18:00.000-05:00

So this girl Charice, the one who Oprah thinks is the 'Most Talented Girl Alive' has had some accomplishments lately. She has teamed up with a bunch of has beens from the Love FM favorites like David Foster and Celine Dion. In addition, she performed in her home country to the king. Also, she has that hit song on the radio. What is it called......? Oh, that's right, she doesn't have one because he is rehasher of old songs everyone is sick of and performs for grannies.

Ellen DeGeneres may be on to the child who possesses real genius. Her name is Emily Bear, a prodigy pianist who has written over over 130 songs. Emily is remarkable playing her own compositions as well as jazz and classical masterpieces. Not only is she impeccable but seems to geniunely enjoy herself, becoming engulfed in the music, not like some of these stiff dorks who play out of fear their tighted briefed fathers will berate them if they fail. In addition, Emily has performed not for some mediocre king but for an actual US President, albeit George W. Bush.

I love Emily Bear and can't wait to see her when she tours Chicago to see Ravninia over the summer. She is cute, intelligent, and has an actual talent - music performance and composition. You go Emily!!! I now dub you "The Most Talented Girl Alive".

Curious George - A Great Read If You Are Not a Germophobe

2009-04-23T13:05:00.004-05:00

The Curious George series, as written by the husband wife team of H.A.Rey and Margret Rey, are filled with cute little George continually getting into predicatments due to his curiousity, hence the nickname Curious George. The books have the formula of a television sitcom.First, there's the set-up where George goes to the zoo, a parade, or an ice cream shop and observes. Next, he wants to take part in the activity. Someone gets pissed and him and George runs away. Then George does something clever and they all love him at the end.

Being someone who always has Purell in my holster, I get a little squeemish reading some of the George books. I don't want the monkey making an ice cream sundae or tossing pizza dough up in the air. The diseases this being must possess has to be extensive. After all, this creature does not wear pants and uses his hand to wipe himself. Would you want to eat a pizza with monkey hands all over it?

George's friend, the man in the yellow hat, is quite the strange character. It is a good thing that he doesn't have kids because he is always letting George out of his sights and allowing him to get into mischief. In addition, he is very absent minded. He is always leaving George to perform an activity or errand he forgot about. Scary thought especially after last month's disaster with the woman and the chimp in Conneticut.

Good Night Moon - Great Read for Those Who Don't Take It As Non-Fiction

2009-04-12T19:35:00.001-05:00

Good Night Moon, the timeless tale of naming things in a great green room and then saying "good night" to them. Good Night Brush, Good Night Clock, Good Night Mush, Good Night Sock. This is one book that you get really pissed off about because you start thinking, I could write this drivel and I too would be filthy rich.

The drawings by Clement Hurd are glorious and comforting showing a wonder filled room enchanting to children and filled with a bunch of random items. The room is not well child proofed. There is a burning file, lots of sharp edges, and contains a clothes line. I don't think the AAP would approve. It would make me very happy is someone took the bowl of mush to the sink rather than let it sit all night.

A little nugget of trivia is that Margaret Wise Brown died when she was 42, leaving all of her royalties to a 9 year old rascally kid. The child grew up to a slacking drug abuser who still receives profits to sustain his life of traveling to exotic places, drinking/drugs, and neglecting his children who were conceived by miscellaneous women.

Surprisingly, kids are not freaked out about the old lady in the rocking chair whispering "Hush" but she does give me the heebee geebees.

Harry the Dirty Dog Exposes America's Racism

2009-03-30T20:43:00.004-05:00

America in the mid-1950s was a turbulent time. Elvis Presley was shaking his hips. The Korean Was going strong. The civil rights movement was building up momentum. No book exposes America's racial bias at the time as Harry the Dirty Dog by Gene Zion.

The book shows everyone loves Harry as a loveable white dog with some black spots. Harry finds his roots becoming more and more black returning to his family reinvigorated. His family scoffs at the dog claiming they do not know this animal even though he shows the same mannerisms and tricks he did a few hours previously. The family only comes to love Harry again as his blackness is washed away, showing the white dog he was previously.

Gene Zion is probably a pseudonym as he is likely one of the propenents of the anti-semetic manifesto 'The Protocols of the Elders of Zion'. This is evident there seem to be no characters in the book who are Jewish, unless the author things Harry the chosen one. This would be entirely wrong to categorize the Jew as a dog. This mimics the Palestinian's view as Jews are pigs.

Is Harry a loveable dog that gets dirty, is the book a metaphor for the nation's view of civil rights similar to Arthur Miller's metaphor for McCarthyism in The Crucible, or is Gene Zion's Harry The Dirty Dog just another attempt of America to keep our African American brothers down. I think the proof is clear.

Oprah Winfrey - The Worst Judge of Talent

2008-11-17T21:04:00.004-06:00

I am okay with Oprah. My wife loves watching her so I pick-up an episode here and there. She does have a knack of showing interesting topics or can provide a decent in-depth interviews with celebrities. However, she has got to be the worst judge of talent ever. Examples:

Dr. Oz - This dork wears his scrubs on the show all of the time. There is no way he can be an expert is all facets of the medical profession.
Dr. Phil - The Texan loudmouth who berates his patients to get his point across. Only lonely middle aged women in rural areas can really believe this guy is for real.
Charice Pempengco - The karoake singer who Oprah dubbed "The Most Talented Girl In the World". There was a seven year old last year who performed surgery. I would vote for that kid as the most talented in the world.
Nate Berkus - He puts a sconce on a wall and he is automatically a genious.

Tonight she had a bunch of kids who were semi-hacks with identifying world flags or could do somersaults. There was one obnoxious kid who was going to be a preacher. Oprah - get Simon Cowell to book your guests. He will at least filter the fluff and not try to manipulate the audience with emotional propaganda.

Quit Humping Gymbo

2008-11-14T08:31:00.002-06:00

I haven't written any blogs in a while. A lot of stuff has happened - A new president, the stock market has been cut by 40%, my son turned two. But is seems that no one comes to my site to read about my witty takes on life. All they use me for is my insight into Gymboree. If that is what my public wants, that is what I will give them.

So what's up with the little red haired kid trying to make out with Gymbo when Ms. Amy brings him out at the end for the "I have a little friend and Gymbo is his name-o" song. I think he clings on so we can't see the dorky little dinosaur on the front of his overalls. Guess what kid, we know your mom dresses you like a tool and it isn't your fault. My son walks up to Gymbo with curiosity and then says, "All Done" and walks away from the clown.

Best Anti-Bush Songs

2008-09-18T20:30:00.003-05:00

Our country was founded on the media questioning authority. Thomas Paine and his publication "Common Sense" help to gain public support for a government free of the British. Today we have our own set of Thomas Paine's in the rock world. They sing about their woes about Bush, and I am not talking about the lame band from Gavin Rossdale (wokka wokka wokka). So in honor of America, here are the three best Anti-George Bush songs that I can think of at the moment:

3. American Idiot Greenday - Very catchy song. A lot of hooks and a cool guitar intro. The song speaks the truth about a redneck agenda and how Bush has created a nation in fear that allows him to do the weird crap he is doing around the globe to smear our country (Iraq, Abu Ghraib, Guatanamo Bay)
2. Megalomaniac Incubus - No hidden message in this one. Bush is an ass who is no Jesus or Elvis. The song points out that Bush is not the appointed one by God to rescue our country in preparation of the rapture. I like how they mention they would like to have a scissor fight in the pricinpal's office with George.
1. Intervention Arcade Fire - More of an anti Iraq song but I am too lazy to think of a third. The song references how the president is sending soldier to war to die for Bush's religious war. The haunting lyrics are sung " I care not if you kneel" and "working for the church while your family dies" drive home that point. This song gets number one ranking because it is actually the best song from one of the best bands in recent memory. Buy Neon Bible if you haven't already

Charice Pempengco, Why does oprah care?

2008-09-09T22:06:00.005-05:00

My wife likes to watch Oprah. I sometimes listen in to what is going on because I like to keep in touch with my what she is in to. So, Oprah has this girl on Charice Pempengco, this Filipina singer who sounds like a rock star from the karaoke circuit.

I cannot see why Oprah would dedicate a whole show to this minimal talent hack. Somehow this poor little girl from a shack in a ghetto is able to upload her lame performance of Whitney Houston's 'I Got Nothing' on YouTube and learn to speak perfect English. Did she learn this while she was letting her dad kick beat up her mom? The love fest continued for an hour as everyone kept gushing about Charice and how much she overcame and all the good things in the future with her vocal ability.

I haven't been this irate since America kept voted for the leprechaun David Archuleta. Perhaps I can see how some fifty year old ladies would think she has talent and is going to take over mainstream radio. But anyone who appreciates music will see Charice as a glorified, little talent nice story but please keep her in perspective. She cannot write music, has the depth of a puddle, and does little to inspire.

Escaping Lifetime Child Center

2008-09-04T21:56:00.002-05:00

I had an interesting experience yesterday at Lifetime. We were visiting as my in-laws joined up. Since I hadn't left Jake in the day care center before and knew he was a bit clingy, I thought it would be good to let him play there while I watched him from a distance.

I started to walk away while Jake played with the Little People farm. See me walking away, he darted towards me. I knelt down and told him that "Daddy was going to walk away" and for him to be a big boy and play with the farm. The employee asked if she wanted me to hold him so that I could escape the play area.

Of course, I refused but it made me wonder what kind of parent would be okay with that. "Please body slam my child so I can get some chiseled abs". Unfortunately, it sounds like it must be a frequent enough request that it even be proposed.

Live in the Now

2008-08-28T16:53:00.000-05:00

Walking through the greeting card aisle of Walgreen's, I see so may greeting cards that are Napoleon Dynamite themed. Are people still buying this crap. I saw the move five years ago. It was amusing but I am not still quoting the lines from the film or wearing "Vote For Pedro" t-shirts.

I'll be willing to bet that the same people who still dig on the Napoleon are the same people who still wear the yellow LiveStrong bracelets and think Ashton Kutcher is cool.

Cool Dad At Lifetime Fitness Pool

2008-08-28T14:48:00.004-05:00

I am the cool dad at the Lifetime Fitness Pool. No, I am not the guy with the chisselled pecs who could make the cover of Men's Fitness. Those are the uncool dads who dump their kids in the germ factory day care facility while they do squat thrusts for two hours. I am cool because I am actually aware of my son and try to make the occassion enjoyable for both of us.

To make the time at the pool fun for a two year old, I bring pool toys - balls, watering cans, cups, squirt toys. Jake gets a kick out of filling up a bucket with the cups and having the water splash as he throws the ball. What his dad doesn't care for is all of the absent minded or indifferent parents who allow their kids to pick up Jake's toys and walk over the entire opposite side of the pool. What is wrong with you people?!! If it is a choice between Jake being happy or your obnoxious kid not throwing a pissy fit, you had better believe that I am going to snatch his toys back.

US Magazine Patronizing

2008-07-05T14:00:00.002-05:00

I thought my life could use a little bit of fluff, so I started a subscription to US magazine. I enjoy selecting which actress wore a particular dress the best and reading the sarcastic comments losers from Project Runway have to say about Maggie Gyllenthal's dress.

The part of the magazine I find the most patronizing is the "Just Like Us!" section. Here the reader can see all of the similarities they share with the reader. For example:

They eat popcorn as the movies
They wipe their ass
They enjoy lunch
They walk

In this week's installment, I find out another similarity I share with celebrities. They, like me, get overheated!!! I can't believe they actually have a central cooling system within their bodies. They actually perspire when the temperature rises above 100 and need enjoy cool air circulating. I feel quite a bond to Antonio Banderas now.

Ralph Nader: The Saboteur

2008-06-21T20:43:00.002-05:00

I went to an outdoor concert last night and sat outside the entrance awaiting the arrival of my friends. Some dope with a Fruit Loops shirt approaches me and asks if I will sign a petition to get a third party candidate on the ballot. I am all for the Democratic process and support the little man, so I agreed. When I asked who the candidate was, he replied Ralph Nader.

To this I told him that I would not be able to sign his petition since Nader was the idiot who took over 97,000 in Florida in 2000. Had this glory hungry punk who never stood a chance, not run, Gore would be the recipient who would have received the majority of these votes. With Nader out of the picture, Gore would have won Florida and the American presidency, period!!! We would not be overseen by the current boys club in the Oval Office.

When I explained to Fruit Loop that I would not be able to and gave the reasons above, he stated that it was really Jeb Bush's fault and throwing out the votes of the black voters. I resisted but he kept coming back with how it didn't matter anyway because Obama would take Illinois (where I live) easily. This is true but why then did this guy give such a crap. The was the same mindset doobie smoking Eddie Vedder fans thought in 2000 Florida.

I ended up signing because I didn't want to put up a fight and wanted to just enjoy Willie Nelson. In the end, isn't that what every one wants? The answer is no.

Words Used Unnecessarily

2008-06-03T17:53:00.002-05:00

I did a blog a bit about about "ending sentences with so", which is a bit annoying. By listening to others, I have found some more terms that are equally bothersome when used in sentences:

Obviously - People seem to toss this in when the subject matter is not obvious. For example, "I like the shoes, so obviously I bought three pairs." Why is it obvious that you would buy three pairs. If you liked them, then I would think you would buy one pair
You Know - This is very similar to obviously. "I hate my mom 'you know'." How would I know that. She gave you life and sacrificed a lot for you. My mom is cool.
Honestly - People throw this in thinking you are talking bullshit to them all of the time. "Honestly what do you think about her." Are people's friends and family really that deceiving that you have to preface a request for an opinion by asking "Honestly"?

There you have it. So obviously if you run into a tall screwy haired looking dude tell him honestly is he that neurotic, you know.

Christian Tee Shirts Hypocritical

2008-05-31T22:36:00.002-05:00

From my observation, born again Christians really find it difficult to obey copyright protection laws. The most recent example I have seen was when I was recently at Disneyland. There was a dork behind me with a shirt that initially I thought was for Staples, the office superstore where you can find all of your supplies for home and work under one roof. In reality, it was for "Jesus" with the subtext "It's just that easy".

I have seen similar ones to this before. The most popular seems to be a rip off of the milk advisory's slogan "Got Milk" which is replaced with "Got Jesus. The intent of the shirt is questionable. Is the thumper asking for people to volunteer their answer to them. If so, I am sure more people who will approach him or her will be a yes. Most athiests and non-Christians will probably abstain from answering since they are in the 15% minority within the U.S.

Some other notable examples are here to the right. Ripping off Mt. Dew, Hershey's, Orange Crush, and the Steven Spielberg, Michael Crighton classic. I always found preachy people and those who products free of charge to be dopes. Combine the two and you have a whole new level of geekdom.

You would think that if you are going to be a walking billboard for a faith, that you would first read the religions rules. When geek boy in the line for Pinocchio's Daring Journey was wearing his Staples/Jesus T-Shirt, he should have realized that he was violating two of his religions 10 sacred commandments:
3. Thou shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God - I highly doubt that God would say to his believers, "You know how I would really like my name to be spread across the land, let's take the logo from a 1993 dinosaur movie and slap my son's picture on there".
8. Thou shall not steal - I also doubt that Joyce Meyers or Joel Osteen established an agreement with the good people at PepsiCo to have their message tacked on a Mt. Dew or Orange Crush tee, making this a violation of copyright.

So please, if you are going to be preachy, don't be a hypocrite or more importantly, don't be plain stupid.

Is David Archuleta A Good Singer

2008-05-21T09:05:00.000-05:00

We are mere hours before David Archuleta gets crowned 2008 American Idol. I still don't get it but I accept it. To me he is like Queen Latifah or Andie McDowell. People tell me they are beautiful. I really have no attraction to either one of them. Queen Latifah weigths two Kelly Picklers and Andie McDowell has funky teeth. Yet, there they are on Maybelliene commercials selling cheap make-up to millions of women. I could name artists too - Picasso, Andy Warhol, Jackson Pollack - do you think someone is going to look back in 200 years and say, "Damn look at that splattered crap". My son could do that much better and incorporate Cheerios and carrots.

It is the same with "Archu". I don't think he can sing or at least he can sing but I hate his town. Real singers had powerful voices like Elvis, Roger Daltry, or Sammy Hagar. They are not whinny wusses like Archu or John Mayer. But American seems to be keen on the little Utah kid. So, rather than fight the tide, I surrender.

The Cure Rocks Chicago

2008-05-19T15:37:00.002-05:00

Saturday night I had a chance to see a band that had been part of my life for the past twenty plus years, The Cure. The British alternative band that most people only equate to "Lovesong" and "Friday, I'm in Love". The show was worth the wait.

The show opened up with the quartet powering into anthems that were less known but still held the audience captivated. During the less familiar songs, I closed my eyes and my junior high and high school days flashed back to me. There were individuals I hadn't thought of in almost 20 years whose faces or voices reappeared. Thoughs of joy and ackwardness resurfaces and awoke me to how you never tell how small little things when you are younger will guide you to where you will be later in life.

My only hope was that they would play one of my top five songs of all time "Pictures of You". Within the first 45 minutes the song unfolded and poured over me like a refreshing winter snow dusting. The only negative thought that crossed my mind was that how could it get any better from here. Fortunately, the hits (and memories) kept me awestruck - "Hot Hot Hot!!!", "Just like heaven", "Wrong number",

Smith was showing his age in his physical appearance. His appearance remind me of character "Old Deuteronomy" from Cats with makeup like Brandon Lee in Cats after he had been out in the rain. Although continually apologizing continually for his voice, the audience didn't mind, gratiously filling in the vocals when he dropped out.

The auditorium was rumbling after the first encore. Hoping for another, when in reality the set-list contained three. Smith did away with his guitar during "Why Can't I Be You" and displayed some of his signature goofy dance moves which brought on added fever. The final encore brought about the post punk early hits that established the band - "Boys Don't Cry", "Jumping Someone Else's Train", and "Killing An Arab". The arena had minor hysteria and for a second hopes of a fourth encore surfaced. Alas, the lights came up and it was not to be.

Three brilliant hours of music, which equates to about 2.25 Morrissey concerts.

Set :

1 - Plainsong
2 - Prayers for rain
3 - alt.end
4 - A night like this
5 - The walk
6 - The end of the world
7 - Lovesong
8 - Pictures of you
9 - Lullaby
10 - The perfect boy
11 - From the edge......
12 - Hot Hot Hot!!!
13 - Sleep when i'm dead
14 - Push
15 - Friday I'm in love
16 - Inbetween days
17 - Just like heaven
18 - Primary
19 - Never enough
20 - The only one
21 - Wrong number
22 - One hundred years
23 - Disintegration

First encore :
24- If only tonight we could sleep
25 - The kiss

Second encore :
26 - The lovecats
27 - Freak show
28 - Close to me
29 - Why can't I be you?

Third encore :
30 - Boys don't cry
31 - Jumping someone else's train
32 - Grinding halt
33 - 10.15 Saturday night
34 - Killing an Arab

Randumb Thoughts

2008-05-15T14:44:00.002-05:00

Way to go putting the Polar Bears on the Endangered Species List Bush administration
Poor Chinese people in that earthquake. I can only imagine the devastation. It makes Katrina look not so bad.
Sure the Cubs haven’t won a World Series in 100 years but what about the Royals. Have they every broken .500?
Although I don’t care for his singing, that Archuleta seems like a nice kid. I thought it was sweet when he wondered where everyone parked for his homecoming
Has there been a cuter, funnier boy in existence than my son?
Gasoline prices are pretty elastic. Even though they are hitting $4.00/gallon, I don’t see anyone changing their habits
Why is Portuguese supposed to be such a hard language to learn
I am going to see “The Cure” on Saturday and I am geeked. I was supposed to see them 20 years ago at Dodger Stadium with Love and Rockets but my mom made me perform in the school marching band that night.

Labatomy or Cancer

2008-05-07T07:58:00.002-05:00

So there is this thing on my head for the last two years or so. I kept thinking it was a scab that would almost go away and they reappear. My justification that is was reappearing was that I am a wild sleeper and probably scrape against the pillow and reinjure the wound.
Last weekend my wife presuaded me to see the dermatologist who quickly diagnosed it as a malignant tumor. He scratched it off like a sushi chef, told me to put bacitracin on it, and covered it with a band aid. The tumor he put in a jar to have a biopsy performed. Yesterday I got the call that it was a indeed the big "C" and I would have to come back in a few months to see if it returned.
My neighbor looked at my scab from where the tumor had been on my head and says "What did you have, a labotomy." I replied, "No its basal cell carcinoma! (under breath: Prick)". I suppose, this is my punishment for posing the not too congenial question to my family at the Thanksgiving table about what type of cancer they would rather have. Mine was always skin cancer.

David Archuleta - New Theory

2008-04-30T20:12:00.003-05:00

After seeing Archuletas gay Neil Diamond performances last night and hearing Randy's rave about the suckfest, I have a new theory. Perhaps I am not on the Truman Show where I am the only one not getting the joke, especially since I seem to be getting a lot of hits with people searching "David Archuleta Sucks". Maybe Archie's dad is paying off Randy and the nation to say good things about the little asthmatic.

I believe this to be true because Cowell now isn't even buying the post nasal drip voiced geeks performance, saying it is amateurish. Maybe Pa Archuleta couldn't afford Cowell anymore and he is saying it straight. We'll see, won't we.

On another topic, someone recently came to this site after searching on "Lifetime Fitness Center Sex Parties". What the hell is that!! I don't like using equipment after someone sweats on it much less leaves other bodily fluids. Let's hope this is just happening in the Phoenix facility. They are a deviant bunch down there.

Two Worlds Collide

2008-04-30T20:04:00.002-05:00

My two biggest topics on this blog seem to be about Gymboree and Lifetime Fitness. How strange and inevitable it was to see my two worlds collide on Sunday. There I was in the pool with my 18 month old when we swam by the mushroom shaped thing that drips down water. A mother and her two children were circling it singing "Round and Round the garden goes the little bear. One, two, three, four.. tickle under there". They giggled as they tickled themselves, which seemed a bit ridiculous for four or five years olds doing that crap but each to their own.

The little guy and I just swam around. I held him on the kickboard while he did some surfing. There were a few strange kids who approached me. One was telling me how he could throw the ball better than my son and could show me. I told him to buzz off. I would hope a seven year old could throw the ball better than an infant. The same nudnik showed me how he could walk on his hands. Another little girl was very nice. She offered the noodle floatie thing for my son to use. We swapped the ball for the floatie and it was fine for 10 minute.

We always try to leave the pool five minutes before safety break so we won't have to wait for the shower. My son's dad has his act together.

More Gymboree Songs

2008-04-22T11:12:00.001-05:00

Hello, Hello,
Hello and how are you
I'm Fine, I'm Fine
and hope that you two

(Sung to Frere Jacques)
Hello (Name), Hello (Name)
How are you? How are you?
We're glad you came to music
We're glad you came to music
How are you?How are you?

(rubbing tummy)
Round and Round The Circle
Goes the little bear
One, Two, Three, Four
(tickling neck) Tickle under there

(baby sitting on lap, kicking)
I have a little bicycle
I ride it to and fro
And When I see that big green light
I know it's time to go
(kicking faster)
I have a little bicycle
I ride it round the block
And When I see that big red light
I know it's time to stop(stop kicking)

Too Sarcastic for Own Good

2008-04-21T20:21:00.000-05:00

Today I had a bit of an eye opening experience. My family, our neighbors, and I went to a local little pub for some dinner. I know that we can be a waitress worst enemy. Our son has allergies so we have to reinforce that there cannot be fish or dairy near his food, we ask for extra plates, napkins, and we ask for lots of bread (otherwise the youngin' gets feisty).

The waitress took us on like she was Roy Jones Jr. "Bring it on, you biatches" was how she responde to each request, and she did so with a smile. At the end of the dinner, I remarked to the other couple, "She was the best waitress I had in 2 years." My other dude responded, "Well I thought she did a good job." To which I had to state that I was being sincere and thought she really was good.

This got me thinking, I am just a sarcastic prick who says things to always imply the opposite. I do say the following:

* "Well this is perfect" when I come across traffic
* "Thanks for fixing me dinner" to my wife when I come home to find take out
* "What a beautiful part of town" when I drive through the ghetto

I have become the annoying sarcastic slacker dude. I don't know why it took the waitress comment for this to click in. Almost everything on this blog is satire. I have been getting better with my passive aggressive ways. Rather than say "that David Archuleta sure can sing" I say "David Archuleta sucks". That is progress, isn't it?

International Gymboree

2008-04-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

When I think Gymboree, I think dorky American parents being goofy with their kids. I am pleasantly surprised when I check my blog visitor records and see so many people checking my blog to find out the words to "There are Bubbles in the Air". Recent visitors have come from across the globe: France, Canada, Japan, Indonesia, China, Argentina, Thailand, Switzerland, and Singapore.

It is equally interesting to see that people in Dublin also hate David Archuleta.

Lastly, my son Jake is awesome because he went poop in the potty yesterday. I saw his red face and heard grunting and immediately grabbed him, plopped him on the toilet and the little green and brown bundt cake shaped dookie make a pleasant 'bloop' as it entered the toilet water.

David Archuleta: Please let me in on the Joke

2008-04-11T09:01:00.002-05:00

Alright. I concede defeat. I don't get why this cruel joke is being played on me. Sanjaya I can understand. The ten to fourteen year old girls think he is cute and funny. He had silly hair that they loved so they voted for him to have him pass through to the next round. However, the judges demonized him as a crap singer.

Now this kid Archuleta keeps passing through to each round and the judges think he is crazy hot! What is it I am not getting. When I hear him sing, I want to get out my son's aspirator and clear his nose of all that post nasal drip . His easy listening songs are more suitable for a 45 year old than a 17 year old.

The only thing that I can conclude is that I am living in a huge bubble, similar to Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. The whole world is playing a joke on me. Any minute, there will be Ashton Kutcher with his trucker hat fixated sideways on his head running through my door yelling gotcha. I am going to save him and the rest of the world the effort and expense. I give up. Please stop the joke. I don't get it and I don't even know why I would take the energy to write this other than feeling immense confusion. Am I really the only one who feels this way? This is young, poppy American Idol. Not "So You Think You Are A Teenagers With Asthma Who Can Play Adult Contemporary".

Old Man Shlong at Lifetime Fitness

2008-04-09T21:03:00.003-05:00

5:00 Lifetime Fitness. The place is pretty packed for a Wednesday morning and overall, I was happy with the experience. I am jealous that my Lifetime is only a platinum gym whereas the one opening up in Vernon Hills is Onyx. But, I am happy to learn new precious gems.

The music was hot, if this was 1996. The cool 90s songs including Bush - "Come Down" and the Gin Blossoms "Hear It From You". They actually played a somewhat new song - "Clumsy by Fergie". The Temptations "My Girl" was busted out. What amused me about this is how unpolished they were for their dance moves.

After my workout, I hit the shower. My routine is get undress quickly and jump in the shower. I then dry off and get dresses. This is a process one would think would be how most people going to the gym before work. For some reason when I exit the shower there is an old chubby guy chilling in his birthday suit talking to another old naked guy. Never in my life would I want to have a naked penis conversation with my friend, but apparently old guys are okay with it. At least I have motivation to keep my weight off. Otherwise, I would tubby up and not be able to keep the towel around my waist.

18 Month Words

2008-04-04T12:49:00.003-05:00

My little boy Jake will be turning 18 months in two weeks. Does he recite Shakespeare, no? Can he say some stuff, hell yeah! Because he has mad smarts, you. What words does baby Jake say, you ask. Well here they are:

Baby
Bee
Turtle
Moo (cow)
Baa (sheep)Maa (goat)
Bloop Bloop (fish)
Hee Haw (donkey)
Boo (ghost)
Shoes
Tree
Truck
Daddy
Hi
Mama
Nana
Papa
BaBa (his uncle)
Book
This
That
Pee

They Got Me With Fake Review

2008-04-02T07:50:00.002-05:00

My blood began to boil yesterday as I was driving home listening to NPR. They gave a glowing review of someone named Simon Fuegel's lastest composition with some song called 'B-Flat'. The critic stated how he had been mesmerized listening to the song in recent days. They then played the track which started out with a trombone playing the whole note b-flat. You know the one between A and B, sometimes known as A sharp. The song progressed with additional solo instruments playing the same note.
I kept thinking this was a bunch of pretentious crap. The final instrument was a synthesizer. The critic spoke about the commentary this gave about our times - Progress, technology, and fabrication. At this point, I wanted my contribution back. I could not believe I was paying money for this hooey or there had to be a 'gotcha' at the end. When I got back home I told my wife about how ridiculous this was and how my 17 month old son could already write better music.
This morning I found it was all an April Fool's Day joke. They got me and thank heavens or else I would have had to switch to Limbaugh. Here is the link to the full bogus story.

Wheel on the Bus At Gymboree

2008-03-31T20:29:00.003-05:00

A strange occurence took place at Gymboree this weekend. Shortly after bubble time, it was lap time. Our usual instructor, Amy, had the day off so Julie took over. We started with the Noble Duke of York and then started The Wheels on the Bus. I couldn't believe my ears!!!

We sang: "The Wheels on the Bus go round and round all around the town". I said to the dad next to me, I can't believe they are not going "round and round here at Gymboree". His response was, "She must have not gotten the memo".

Jake only has four more weeks of his Saturday Level 4 class and then that is it for me. My wife is going to take him to art class on Thursdays and I am going to take him to the pool over the summer!!

Enough With David Archuleta

2008-03-26T07:54:00.001-05:00

I never quite got David Archuleta and why the judges/voters on American Idol kept persisting he was fantastic. The little 17 year old dork with the horsey voice and the aw-shucks attitude just rubbed me the wrong way. He seemed nice enough but I couldn't figure out why the judges, especially Simon projected him to win the entire competition shortly after Hollywood week. Week after week of horrible adult contemporary songs like Another Day in Paradise, Imagine, one of the bad Beatle songs kept getting me fired up. What was wrong with me that I am the only one that can see this guy sucks.

At last a chink in the armor last night. After his performance of what to me sounded like some Christian Rock song (Oo ooh-ooh-ooh) my wife looked and me and told he she wasn't into it. Randy still had the myopia and said that it was a hot one. Paula mummbled some non sense about what she loved about David was that he stayed true to who he was. At last Simon broke him down and said that it sounded like a theme park performance where he could imagine animated creatures around him. Yes! Vindication!!

Finally, I can rest assured that I am not the crazy one. Sorry David. I wish you well on your cameo in the next High School Musical film, but hope your time on American Idol comes to an end shortly.

Lifetime Fitness - Oy Vey

2008-03-24T11:12:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was Easter and my wife, son, and I were going to go to Lifetime Fitness to do some exercise. This is a big step, especially since this is the first time my wife was going to let him be in the hands of people we have never met before. We are aware of the holiday so we call ahead of time because initially, we wanted to go in the pool. Here is a transcript of my phone call to Lifetime to see if the pool is open.

Guy: "Lifetime Fitness"
Me: "Hi. I was calling to see if you have family swim today"
Guy: "I am sorry we don't because of the holiday"
Me: "Oh. Well is the child center open today?"
Guy: "It is. Let me see. Oh! It opens at 9:00"
Me: "Great. Thank you. Bye"

So, we make our way out there, pack the big diaper bag. Put my son in his jacket, which he hates. We drive 10 minutes to the health club, unbuckle him and sift through the half dozen bags we brought to find the membership card. We walk in, go down the long hall, and see that the child center lights are off.

I walk up to the guy at the membership desk, Jeff, and I say to him, "Jeff. Why did you tell me the child center was open. This is a big inconvenience?" Jeff replies that he is sorry and I go to speak with the front desk supervisor and tell her she needs to communicate changes in schedules to her staff. After tap dancing for two minutes she finally apologizes but it really just soured my mood.

I did end up going later on and they played the same songs they always seem to play - "Oh, Pretty Woman", "Californication" , some Ashley Simpson song where she acts like a femmebot, and James Blunt's "You're Beautiful". I watched some of the tournament on the TV, which, by the way, if I am paying $125/month and you aren't going to give each treadmill a personal TV, can't you at least afford HD?

Gymboree Songs

2008-03-18T20:28:00.002-05:00

So Gymboree seems to be popular by my viewing public. So, here are some song lyrics to some of the top hits at yours and my favorite children's place. Not that my son is coming close to 18 months and the weather is getting warmer, we are going to take a break from old Gymbo. I'll try to put up more songs as I remember them.

Bubbles In The Air (sung to If You're Happy And You Know It)
There are bubbles in the air, in the air
There are bubbles in the air, in the air
There are bubbles in the air
There are bubbles everywhere
There are bubbles in the air, in the air

There are bubbles way up high, way up high
There are bubbles way up high, way up high
There are bubbles way up high
There are bubbles in the sky
There are bubbles way up high, way up high

There are bubbles way down low, down low
There are bubbles way down low, down low
There are bubbles way down low
There are bubbles on your toes
There are bubbles way down low, down low

Gymbo Dance(sung to Wheels On the Bus)
Gymbo The Clown Goes Up and Down
Up and Down, Up and Down
Gymbo The Clown Goes Up and Down
Here at Gymboree

Gymbo The Clown Goes Side to Side
Side to Side, Side to Side
Gymbo The Clown Goes Side to Side
Here at Gymboree

Gymbo The Clown Goes a-boogie oogie oogie
boogie oogie oogie, boogie oogie oogie
Gymbo The Clown Goes boogie oogie oogie
Here at Gymboree

Come Under My Umbrella (sung to Did You Ever See a Lassie?)
Come Under My Umbrella,
Umbrella, Umbrella
Come Under My Umbrella,
It's going to Storm

There's Thunder and Lightning
and wind and rain
Come Under My Umbrella,
It's going to Storm

This one bugs me because it doesn't rhyme but I dig the parachute(umbrella) so I let it slide

Checking Out Lifetime Fitness Pool

2008-03-10T18:10:00.001-05:00

I have been taking my 16 month old son to the pool the last two weeks at Lifetime and we have a pretty good time for about 45 minutes. He plays with the bubbling springs that pop-up, spins the rings on the partition between the waterslide area and main pool, and pours the water from his cups that we bring along.

Jake is both fascinated and fearful of the mushroom fountain in the middle of the pool. He craws my face when we get close but when I back away, he points to it like he wants to stick his hand through the wall of water.

Our other favorite activity is to avoid the unsupervised kids who rough house in the pool like they are part of the WWE Smackdown. I tell those little jerky kids to screw off and leave me and my boy alone.

The real fun begins in the family changing area. I try to not drop Jake on the tile flooring while he squirms as I try to give him a shower. The area is reserved for people with opposite gender children but I don't really care. I am not taking Jake into the men's locker room where hairy old men don't mind being naked and taking 30 minutes to get dressed. In my most recent visit, there was a 70 year old wearing a translucent skin tight speedo. Jake's eyes are already burning. I don't need him to be exposed anymore to strange dudes.

Sitting in My High Chair

2008-03-07T19:57:00.003-06:00

A lot of people have been entering this website trying to find the lyrics to the Gymboree hit "Sitting in My High Chair". Here are the coveted lyrics (sung to the tune of Short'nin' Bread)

Sitting In My High Chair
High Chair, My Chair
Sitting In My High Chair
Banging My Spoon

Bring on the Carrots
Bring on the Peas
Somebody Feed This
Baby Please

Sitting In My High Chair
High Chair, My Chair
Sitting In My High Chair
Banging My Spoon

Bring on the Jelly
Bring on the Bread
Somebody Get This
Baby Fed

Baby Food Allergies

2008-02-28T21:09:00.002-06:00

After violently puking after eating fish recently, my wife took our baby to the allergist to see if he was in fact allergic to fish. While he was at it, the doc also tested for milk allergies, since he had trouble with that in the past as well.

The results are positive, which is a bad thing. I think that Michael Scott on The Office is right on about how the medical positive/negative verbiage is counterintuitive. My little boy got pricked on the back multiple times see if a bump appeared, which it did for all different fish types and dairy. So, he will be off the moo juice and Nemos until at least age three, when we can test again.

My wife took him to the doctor and I didn't see where he was injected until I gave him a bath that night and saw eight little scabs on his back. They were aligned so symmetrically that it looked like he was recently removed from The Matrix.

We also have to carry an EpiPen to inject if he experiences any type of allergies. He is still the same happy little boy and we'll just have to be a bit more cautious. We are counting our blessings.

Movies Without Endings

2008-02-22T22:52:00.000-06:00

I really miss the days when movies had endings. The movie starts and then stuff starts to happen. Something questionable happens and you become unsure of how the movie is going to end. Then, BAM! The guy gets the girl, the bad guy gets killed, and you leave the theater with a sense of satisfaction.

Directors and screenwriters now believe that they are edgy because they have an open ending for their movie. There is no semblance of completion. For Example, my wife and I got a baby sitter to go see Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood. The final scene involves two individuals who had been in conflict the whole film. There is an altercation and then credits. I don't get the satisfaction of knowing if the guy gets incarcerated, killed, attacked by a cackle of crows. It just seems like they could have put an extra 10 minutes in there to tidy up the ending but just said "Screw It".

The same is true for No Country For Old Men. Javier Bardem kills a crap load of people and Tommy Lee Jones has no clue. He just rambles some parable about a dream he had and then hit the credits. Other recent films that have this same phenomenon are Once and Half Nelson.

If you are going to cut a movie short without an ending, do what was done in Animal House or the Van Halen Hot For Teacher video. At the conclusion of these timeless classics you get to see who goes on to be a senator/rock star/beach bum/etc. At the end of Hot For Teacher, we learn that:

Alex went on to become Dr. Van Halen, Gynecologist, Los Angeles, CA.
Anthony is currently a champion sum wrestler in Tokyo, Japan
Edward Van Halen is temporarily 'relaxing' in Bellevue mental ware and making progress
David Lee Roth went to Hollywood and became America's Favorite TV game show

This is the level of follow through I would expect from Paul Thomas Anderson and the Coen brothers.

"Life of Pi" or "Life of Lie"

2008-02-13T16:58:00.000-06:00

Whether you recently read the book Life of Pi or you have a book club meeting to discuss the book and need to cheat, here is the expert words of wisdom that you put a lot of stock. Who better to seek counsel than some random bloke you found on the internet. Well here are my thoughts.

The first 80-100 pages, I kept thinking "get on with it already". I didn't really care about this kid with the weird name who kept on adopting religions like Angelina adopts third world kids. When are you going to get on the boat with the tiger like the cover shows. Very interesting about the hippo and the goat and the three toed sloth, but why are you a best seller.

Then the good stuff starts to happen. I found Pi to be very sympathetic. His innocence and good nature draw the reader in and become invested that he does reach land. Of course, we know that he does because there is foreshadowing to tell us of his successful rescue. The whole story about Richard Parker, the orangutan, the hyena, all become real and we as readers have little do doubt about Pi's story.

I found the third section to be the most thought provoking and Martell does a great job of bringing everything together. The business men question his story, which also forces me to second guess what I had come to believe. What it all comes down to is Pascal's Wager, which states that it is a better "bet" to believe that God exists than not to believe, because the expected value of believing is always greater than the expected value of not believing.

We are better off believe Pi's story, since the expected value of overcoming significant obstacles, remaining optimistic, and befriending that which is a known enemy is much greater than believing he wandered the Pacific with some ruffians for seven months.

Dying too Soon

2008-02-08T21:41:00.000-06:00

There is a guy at my work who I know lost his child last year. I just look at him and it breaks my heart. I saw him in a meeting one day and on his wrist he had a cross with the date of February 2006 RIP inscribed. When I walked past his cube a few days after, I saw pictures of his daughter who no doubt is the little one that he lost. She couldn't have been more than 18 months old. I didn't ask what happened and probably never will but I do go out of my way to be extra nice to the guy since I know I would be torn apart if that sort of thing happened.

I am good about not intruding into what happened and do my best to stay strong when I see him. I don't tend to be the mushy type but cracked yesterday driving into work. Stupid Kenny Chesney has to come on the air with "Who'd You Be Today". The song comes on the air and by the chorus, I am done with water swelling in my eyes. The lyrics go:

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

So, you win this round Kenny. And to those who have lost someone too soon, beware that I may give you a hug now that I am a dad and couldn't imagine a worse thing happening.

Fatherhood Wisdom From Vanilla Ice

2008-01-31T20:45:00.000-06:00

When I am trying to put a diaper on my son after he has come out of the bath, starts getting wild, or dropping food from his high chair, I find myself quoting lyrics to the song "Ice, Ice Baby". My mouth opens up and I state "Stop, Collaborate, and Listen". What makes it even bizarre is when my wife calls up while changing Jake and I can't resist saying "Word to your mother". Thanks Robert Van Winkle.

Gymboree Song Translation

2008-01-29T20:48:00.000-06:00

Great news. My son is a genius. The folks at Gymboree called and asked if he wanted to move up to the level 4 class. He is only 15 months and they want to skip a grade and go to the level that starts at 16 months. It may have something to do with the fact that if you ask him what a sheep says, he says "ba".

Gymboree's songs are fun but they change the lyrics so you think the song is specific to the facility. I have cracked the code and am sharing the translation with all:

Gymbo the clown goes up and down = Wheels on the bus go round and round
Hello Jake. Hello Jake. How are you? How are you? = Frere Jacques or Are you Sleeping or Where is Thumbkin
There are bubbles in the air in the air = If you're happy and you know it clap your hands
Sitting in my high chair high chair high chair = Momma's little baby loves shortening, shortening
Trot Trot to Gymboree Trot Trot to Gym = Trot Trot to Boston. Trot Trot to Lynn
G-Y-M-B-O = B-I-N-G-O
Fly, Fly, Fly your plane = Row, Row, Row your boat
Everbody Find a Lap = London Bridge is Falling Down

When Will I Grow Up

2008-01-26T18:36:00.000-06:00

I was watching American Idol last night and they had some dude who was about to audition but left because his wife's water broke. So they had the baby and he auditioned the next day. The wife even showed up with the baby, not exactly what I would have done but it was South Carolina.

The intriguing thing about this guy is that his name is Oliver Hymen. The 12 year old got the better of me and I started chuckling. I ever rewound the DVR several times to hear Seacrest say his name over and over. In thinking what clever name I would give his daughter, Cherry beat out Rosie and Chastity. I also stupidly laughed when they showed the Air Force pilot in the cockpit. Other words that give me a kick: homeowner and duty.

Jesus Seemed Cool - Why Aren't Born Agains?

2008-01-23T10:13:00.000-06:00

I tend to avoid occassions where I encounter some self righteous conservative evangelicals. Don't get me wrong. There are many born agains who are nice, aren't "preachy", and are accepting towards people different from them. But the few nut jobs really spoil the bunch with their handing out of pamphlets, telling you that you aren't going to heaven, believing that their way of conducting themselves is the only purpose driven life" Apparently, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, and Albert Einstein didn't have any purpose because they were Catholic or non-Christian?

This is what I know about Jesus. He drank wine (even turning water into wine). He was friends with prostitutes, social outcasts, and homeless. He didn't piss and moan about gays, fictitious wizards, or how science is evil. I don't think Jesus hated Jews either, primarily because he was one. He was a uniter not a divider.

So to you - the minority of Christians who are tarnishing Jesus's name, ask yourself this question - WWJD?

Ending Sentences With So

2008-01-15T22:45:00.001-06:00

There are some repeated aspects of American slang that really make my crawl skin. There are the ones that have persisted such as using "like" multiple times in a sentence (not as a similie or expressing preference), ending a sentence with "at" unneccessarily (such as "Where are you at?"), and including "you know" without waiting for someone to acknowledge that they in fact know what the other person is speaking about.

The recent addition to this list is ending a sentence with "So....". Some people just don't seem to know how to end a thought. Now they have a clever escape mechanism, which is to just say "so" and lift their hand in the air. For example:

Person1: Did you go see that movie I told you about?
Person2: You know, I was like thinking about it and then Angelo called asking me where I was at. I told him and he was like why don't you come watch the game. So...

I beg you people, can we just end add "there you go" so it is a complete sentence.

LifeTime Fitness Sucks: Return of the Lame

2008-01-14T09:12:00.000-06:00

Now that I have ended my cycle of contracting contagious diseases has come to an end, I am back to work out. And working out means another visit to Lifetime Fitness. And another visit to Lifetime Fitness means another opportunity to scrutinze the horrendous music videos they play. Here are the chart toping hits played in the club this morning:

NLT That Girl - The treadmill was too loud to hear these pre-pubescend dorks but I could tell it was junk.
Asley Simpson - Invisible - I didn't hear this song either but the video shows Ashley getting knocked out by some she-male with a mullet. The nose job does look good.
Roy Orbison Oh Pretty Woman - I like this song but c'mon.
Smashmouth Allstar - A LTF favorite. I enjoy the clips from the Ben Stiller bust Mystery Men.
Carrie Underwood Jesus Take The Wheel - There is nothing like a country ballad about Christ as a designated driver to get me pumped.
Tiffany I Think We're Alone Now - This one gave me flashbacks to middle school dances when I folded over and rolled up my jeans he middle and wore creepers.
James Blunt Beautiful - No need to comment on this one
Jackson 5 I want You Back - Turn the clock back 35 years and this would be an appropriate song choice.

Lifetime should just play the top 40 on XM and everyone would be satisfied. Oh wait, then they wouldn't be able to squeeze out that extra hundred bucks a month by playing those jeep commercials and ads for the local plastic surgeon.

Lame Liberal Boycotts

2008-01-12T14:45:00.000-06:00

I am staunch supporter of protests. I'll honk when I see union people striking. I' burned an effigy of Mel Gibson in the town hall after his anti-semitic tirade.

I usually take the passive aggressive approach myself in the form of boycotts. Some companies I am currently boycotting are Cracker Barrel for ruining my Vegas trip, Jiffy Lube for having ex con pull their flim flam and charge you 50 bucks for an oil change, and any thing with Rachel Ray because she annoys me.

Reminiscing on my boycott history I recall some of the crazy products my old hippie friends in college advised me to stop using. Snapple, I was told, I shouldn't use because the company was "anti abortion". Guess what, I am anti abortion too but I am still pro choice. Other than one dreadlocked dude giving me this information I didn't have anything to validate this with.

For the experience, I went to a Grateful Dead concert in 1994. While walking through the parking lot, I had a longneck of Budweiser. People looked at me as if I were in a SS soldiers uniform. One tie dye wearing sole told me that Budweiser gave money to the DEA. That's great!!! Why do I want more crack, heroin, and cocaine in this country.?

Do I have a point, not really. Just that you shouldn't protest because you hear one filthy person's perspective. Just this week, I received an email with a fabricated story about Barrack Obama was a closet Muslim radical who is going to blow up the world. Please check multiple sources before you believe anything. I should know, my lineage is of royalty.

Edmund Hillary: First White Man to Climb Everest

2008-01-10T19:39:00.001-06:00

Sir Edmund Hillary has passes away today. I didn't know the man but he seemed like a good bloke. I look with skeptism on the claim that he was the first man to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest. To me this is similar to saying that Christopher Columbus discovered America. How could you be the first one if there were already people there.

The sherpas in Nepal are good buddists, humble and all. They probably didn't want to hurt Hillary's pride that they had been up there and back a couple times, realized it is just a frozen mess with little oxygen and made their way back down. "Let the silly white man have his props". Little did they know two months later he would be knighted known for the next 55 years as Sir Ed. Very little is spoken about Sherpa Tenzing Norgay who accompanied Hillary during the trek and made it to the peak with Sir Ed.

Rest in Peace Edmund Hillary. You carved a path for other hippies to risk their life doing stupid crap and having the locals laugh at them. Your legacy will not be forgotten

Boynton Knows The Toddler Mind

2008-01-08T15:05:00.001-06:00

That Sandra Boynton knows how to write a book that kids will want their parents to read over and over again. I speak from experience as I have read Snuggle Puppy and It's Pajama Time over 200 times each. That is without any exaggeration. There is now no other book in the world that I have read more times that It's Pajama Time. Only Ten Little Ladybugs comes close.

As Jake's interest in these types of books increased, our expenditure for these also have. Now we have the complete library, including two copies of But Not The Hippopotamus. Of these, Doggies, Moo, Baa, La, La, La and Horns to Toes are writings that I can repeatedly read without getting completely crazy.

The pictures are cute with the little animals having unique expressions. The stories are fun and light hearted. Some of the books are educational while others are upbeat and show compassion. Sandra Boynton gets my lowest rating ever of 9 thumbs up out of ten.

Political Endorsements

2008-01-06T16:00:00.000-06:00

Historically, politicians sought endorsements from large blocks of constituents, like the teamsters, law enforcement, or teacher's union. In modern elections, elected officials seek and use celebrities to show the public that they are in the cool crowd and to assist in campaign contributions. The recent trend has been to have also have an evangelical leader show their support. The 2008 election has its share of Hollywood people who read other people's lines and religious zealots to lend their hand to help their candidates.

Mike Huckabee - My nemesis has shown his hipness by shilling Chuck Norris on the campaign trail. I am not sure what credibility the bearded weirdo can contribute. All I know of Chuck is that he did some kung fu movies and cast the deciding vote to allow Average Joe's to compete in the movie Dodgeball.

Barak Obama - Obama has the ultimate in celebrity endorsements, Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is on the trail and can use her large caucus of viewers, readers, and dieters to put Mr. Obama over the top.

Hillary Clinton - Mrs. Clinton has garnered Barbra Streisand. No big surprise here.

Rudy Guiliani - Rudy has Pat Robertson helping him out. This is big for Rudy since other Republicans think he is a unscrupulous schmuck for divorcing and marrying his lover. For some reason God has used Pat Robertson as his vehicle to speak to America. Last week Pat (from God, of course) indicated that we are headed to a Recession and world wide violence.

John Edwards - Tim Robbins is on board. Kevin Bacon is too.

Ron Paul - No one has spoken out vocally, but I think that the kook Howie Mandel is a fan.

Cracker Barrel Sucks

2008-01-03T22:01:00.000-06:00

I left the dreary winter days of Chicago to enjoy the new year in sunny Scottsdale. I met up with some family and it was nice. On Jan 1, we (the Mrs., Baby Jake, my mother-in-law, and father-in-law) drove on up to Las Vegas. Some of these road side places are sketchy so we decided to stop and the Kingman, AZ Cracker Barrel.

The woman who worked there seemed the the XX chromosome equivalent of Forrest Gump. When asked if she could give us some toasted sour dough bread, she replied "I'll Try". What kind of response is that? If I worked for Boeing and United asked me to make a plane that wouldn't blow up, I don't think they would take to kindly to "I'll try". Either you can or you can't, that is it.

So our mulleted sloth waitress brings me my food and I inhale the macaroni and cheese, carrots, and chicken so that I can watch the baby while my wife eats. Two hours later my stomach starts to ache. When we get to the hotel, I start to feel violently ill. My stomach hasn't felt this bad since some Turks poisoned my food in Istanbul. For a straight ten minutes, I was spewing my guts watching my Cracker Barrel food be deposited into the porcelain Kohler toilet.

The next two days I couldn't consume anything fried, chocolate, or alcoholic. I also had to stay horizonal for 24 hours watching Judge Maria Lopez and Springer. Tomorrow I am going home from the Vegas trip with nothing more to show than 1 hour playing cards, a pair of paints from Banana Republic, and perpetual disdain to Cracker Barrel and all its 400 pound regular customers.

Kite Runner Book Review

2007-12-28T07:31:00.000-06:00

The movie Kite Runner is expanding into theaters across the country in next few weeks. It has been nomiated for 2 golden globe awards. Is the movie any good? I don't know. For the first time since Cold Mountain, I have actually read the book before seeing the movie. So here is my book review. Whether or not it has anything to do with the book - I have no idea. Here is my review. I don't remember a lot of the names but I will do my best (*** SPOILER ALERT****):

Assef is an asshole. It is hard to believe that people like this actually breathe the same air as me
Hassan seems like the nicest kid/guy in the world. I cannot believe I actually breathe the same air as people like him
People do stupid things in their lives. We all have regrets. We all wish we could go back and do things differently - Me, Amir, Amir's wife, Baba. Feeling guilty and wallowing does not do any of us any good. We have to learn, ask to be forgiven, and make it better
Being born in the mid 1970's, I never knew Afghanistan was any place but a dump for wacko religious fanatics and before that wimps who got their butts kicked by the USSR
Those Taliban really do some crazy stuff. The exhibition at the half time of the soccer game was nuts. It makes the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction look like Sesame Street
The next time I am at the beach flying my kite, I am going to try some of Hassan's moves and try to cut someone else's kite. That oughta show em.
I have never seen a Hazara. I bet they would be cool to shoot some pool with.
See my prior blog about human fertility. It is too bad when good people are not able to reproduce.
I have been hearing recently how the CIA helped guerilla resistant groups in Afghanistan fight the Soviets in the 1980's. In exchange for their help, we would allow them to continue with their opium production. The opium they send to Turkey, which they refine and turn into herion helping to continue America's addiction. USA!! USA!!

Spider Tiger

2007-12-27T08:28:00.000-06:00

There has been a lot of skeptism on the tiger Tatiana from the San Francisco zoo. Was he taunted, molested, given a pole vault, given a suspension bridge, carried by seagulls? These should not be ruled out as possible ways in which he escaped.

In addition to graduating in the top 75% of my high school class my knowledge also comes from watching summer blockbusters. This has lead to my theory on the mysterious Tatiana's escape - Spider Tiger. Yes Tatiana was bitten my a genetically modified spider that bit her in the touchas. As a result, she was filled with rage and super tiger powers enabling her to jump a 15 foot moat and climb a 10 foot fence.

Luckily Murdock and Riggs were on the scene to bust a cap but not before Spider Tiger was able to maul two children and kill another young adult (cue the Celine Dion song).

On a serious note - Happy New Year Yo!

I'm Number 4,446,976

2007-12-27T07:43:00.000-06:00

Since I have been adding some new brilliant observations and comments to my blog in the last few weeks, I thought I would market the site a little better to bring in some more traffic. In doing so, I have registered with the site Technorati. This is the hub that one can go to if they want to find a blog on random topics - such as why Lifetime Fitness sucks or if Violet Bick is hotter than Mary Hatch on It's a Wonderful Life.

I am happy to announce that my blog is ranked in the top 4.5 million. Not to toot my own horn, but I am number 4,446,976!! Take that Boing Boing and Ariana Huffington.

Best Holiday of All Is...

2007-12-26T10:48:00.000-06:00

Christmas? No! 4th of July? No! Halloween? Of course not!

By far the best holiday is New Year's Day. This is day that celebrates a clean slate for everyone. People can wash their hands of the mistakes and regrets of the prior 365 days. In the new year they can lose that weight, meet that special someone, take that long awaited excursion.

There is no basis on religion, race, or nationality. It is based exclusively on mathematics and truth. We are free to say "Happy New Year" to anyone without worrying that you are offending them. Any reasonable person will respond in kind "May you have A marvelous New Year as well". Wouldn't it be great if all other holidays shared this element of reason?

Violet Bick or Mary Hatch

2007-12-25T22:03:00.000-06:00

George Bailey, the Jimmy Stewart character in It's A Wonderful Life, has many choices in the legendary Frank Capra film. Should he stay with the building and loan or travel and explore the world? Should he partner with Sam Wainwright in his pie in the sky schemes? Should he go gansta on Uncle Billy for losing the $8,000 that was owed to Mr. Potter? All of these are questions could be debated for hours.

One more question that any question that is not up for debate is should George have dumped Mary and gone swinging with Violet Bick. The answer is obviously "Yes". George has to play baby sitter to all the screw ups in Bedford Falls, take the crap from his slacker brother Peter, and wipe up the puke from his rummy uncle. He might has well have a little fun with wild gal Violet, played by Gloria Grahame.

Violet was a lot like the Paris Hilton of Bedford Falls. She may have not been the best conversationalist or sweetest gal but she would get you into the happening places and leave a single guy feeling fulfilled. Doesn't poor sacrificing George deserve a little fun? Then he could settle with Mary and feel like he did sailed around the world....or a least explore a girl who had a sailor from every part of the world.

Lifetime Fitness Sucks (cont.)

2007-12-24T15:32:00.000-06:00

Looking at the site tracking to my site, I can see a lot of people come to my site by googling "Lifetime Fitness Sucks" or "Lifetime Fitness Music" . They have come from across the US ranging from Virginia, New Jersey, Texas Minnesota, and Georgia. Based on this, I know I am not alone in my crusade to get the music they play more hip and not as crappy.

This morning they played "Forever Your Girl" by Paula Abdul and "Dead Man's Party" by Oingo Boingo. These were two of the selections they played that were just ridiculous. Surprisingly, they played some decent more recent songs - "Have a Nice Day" by Bon Jovi, "Talk" by Coldplay, and "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. To add to my dissatisfaction today the toilet paper dispensers in the bathroom stall were on the ground and there was not soap in my shower dispenser. Also, there was some idiot kid who was walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes at .5 speed.

Two weeks ago when I was there, it was like an Eastern European bathhouse. For a change, I decided I would check out the jacuzzi. There were twelve dudes in the one hot tub (the other was closed for repairs). I swear that three of them were wearing tighty whiteys. Now that is just gross.

Any terrible songs that come up or complaints you have about the club, please add to the comments so we start a grass roots campaign to get Lifetime to provide the value they should be providing for their high dues.

Worst Christmas Songs

2007-12-13T17:45:00.000-06:00

It's the holiday season. So whoop de doo and dickory dock. Don't forget to hang up your sock. With the Christmas time comes good cheer, irrational stocking stuffers, and an extra five pounds around the buttocks. It also comes with some music that will just about drive you crazy.

The traditional songs are one thing. How many times can we hear "Little Drummer Boy"? What the hell is that song even about. Then there are the campy songs like "You're a bastard, Mr. Grinch" or "Holly Jolly Christmas". These songs were fun the first dozen times they were heard.

The absolute worst songs are those performed by pop stars that have no business singing these type of jingles. The exception to this is Run DMC's Christmas in Hollis. Below are the list of worst holiday songs by popular artists:

5. Santa Baby by Eartha Kit - Annoying, annoying, annoying
4. You Make It Feel Like Christmas by Neil Diamond - What is next Mike Hucabee singing Hava Nagila?
3. Little Saint Nick by The Beach Boys - I actually do like the harmony but the surfer vibe doesn't work with holiday tunes
2. Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon - Hippee fluff on top of Christmas music
1. Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas by Paul McCartney. Both number 1 and number 2 are evidence that the Beatles should have never broken up.

For me, the best songs are the ones that are classy, written by professional song writers, and sung by individuals with a great voice. Give me Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" or Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" any day over "Frosty".

Name the Idiot!!

2007-12-12T13:04:00.000-06:00

Alright. It is time to play a new game called "Name the Idiot". I am going to list a bunch of facts about someone and you try to guess who I am talking about:

1. I am running for President
2. I think that people inflicted with AIDS should be sent to an island isolated from the rest of society
3. I think that if you are not an evangelical, born again, or baptism Christian, you are not going to heaven
4. I go out of my way to parole rapists who go on to rape and kill other women
5. I want to raise everyone's taxes
6. I think if we stopped abortion, we wouldn't have any more problems with immigration
7. I think that evolution isn't for real. Science is silly. The world started 6,000 years ago, like the bible says.
8. While I was governor, I set up a wedding registry at Target when I renewed my vows so tax payers could buy me stuff
9. I used $60,000 of taxpayer fund for personal expenses like dog food, pantyhose and meals at Taco Bell
10. I hail from Arkansas
11. I lost over 100 pounds
12. I hate gays

WHO IS THIS IDIOT...... (Highlight the row below for answer)
Mike Hukabee

Lifetime Fitness Sucks

2007-12-07T13:47:00.000-06:00

I have been a member of Lifetime Fitness for about 6 months. I used to be a member three years ago but quit for a couple of quality reasons:

They didn't know how to cap their enrollment and the place became a zoo
Too many damn tweens running around using the equipment
Too many jerks using their cell phones while on the stair master
Funky odor in the locker rooms

There are two additional reasons that still persist that I am very unhappy about but overlook them because now that I have a kid, I appreciate their child care facilities. The first is the terrible selections on the television. Does anyone really watch the "CW" or "The Golf Channel? There are only 8 televisions, please lets focus on broadcast, sports and news. This will appeal to everyone except for the little battered wife who wants to watch Lifetime channel.

With the limited choices, do you need to show the videos to the lame ass music you are playing. That is my second major beef with Lifetime - the incredibly poor music they play while working out. This is 2007! Do you really think I will get pumped up lifting why listening to "Please Mr. Postman"? Some other crappy songs they play are "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper, "The Heart of Rock and Roll" by Huey Lewis, and "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. When recent music is played it is either teeny bopper crap like Aly and AJ or some cupcake light FM song by John Mayer. This is place to exercise and get energized, not romper room or a starbucks.

Lifetime, you are lucky that other fitness centers are filled with grannies and that I hate Bally's even more. Your one saving grace are the water slides. Just make sure no tweens get in my way.

Gross Act of Kindness

2007-11-17T23:17:00.001-06:00

When I think back to some of the disgusting things I have done in my life, surprisingly, not too many things pop up. I suppose I am pretty pompous. True, I was a janitor as Disneyland for four summers. On one occassion I did pick up a cheeseburger that had been thrown away, put it in my pocket and ate it later. But, it was on the top of the heap, was completely wrapped up in it's McDonald's wrapping, and had not bite marks or larva on it. The image of George Constanza eating the donut comes to mind.

Recently, I did do something one could construe as being gross. I see it as an act of kindness. My son, Baby Jake (who shortly will be little Jake), had a bad cold. He kept having boogers flushing out of his nose. Wanting to clear his nasal passage, I took the aspirator and sucked out all that was avaiable. He did not take too kindly to this and any sane person would take exception if someone tried to insert a large plastic bubble in their nostril.

To prevent this from happening again, I put my mouth over his nose and sucked. The mucus came into my mouth and I immediately spit it into a napkin and washed out my mouth. Gross? It is hard to argue otherwise. However, it is also a noble act as Jake was most appreciative.

Liberal Snob

2007-11-13T16:40:00.000-06:00

I am not partial to one political party or the other. They both have major downsides - self-righteous pompous jerks on both sides who won't try to compromise on anything. I do have a specific beef with the selective liberals (see earlier blog). These are folks who are open to the most bizarre deviant behavior and mock those who lead a normal life.

The main weapon of the selective liberal is their dollar store vocabulary. They believe if they drop words such as nepotism, gentrification, and nihilism they have a thought process that is greater than the general public. In truth, the selective liberal is nothing more than a thinly veiled insecure individual who because they did not succeed in sports or have a tolerance for lactose, they have to fill that deficiency.

People - why can't find a common denominator in life and use this as a basis to get along. Since sports seems to be somewhat exclusionary, I nominated American Idol.

Creed Sucks

2007-11-11T10:19:00.000-06:00

I was on the treadmill yesterday and was horrified upon seeing the stupidest video I have ever seen. It was Creed's With Arms Wide Open. I know the song is about lead singer/idiot Scott Stapp becoming overjoyed on the arrival of his new son but the video is so lame. Ugly Stapp is singing in Ireland or Scotland and then all of a sudden bombs come falling down on the Earth. Then the wimpy guitar player with an ugly soul patch plays a pathetic solo and the video ends.

Thank God the period of these talentless weasels being played on the radio is over. I feel bad for the nice little church goers who both the albums of these hypocritical bastards. Especially Stapp who claims he is Mr. Christian. "I created my own prison. It's My Sacrifice. Jesus takes me Higher". What a load of crap from this guy.

This is the same guy who performed a drunk show in Chicago slurring his words on stage in a typical pathetic performance. He also was filmed banging a girl with Kid Rock. He also tried to start a fight in a tattoo parlor after he overhead someone saying something about him. Other random acts of idiocy include getting into a fight with 311 and getting drunk at a poker tournament and trying to force himself on Howard Stern's fiance Beth . Recently, Stapp was also was involved in a domestic violence act by throwing a bottle of Orangina at his wife.

Here is a complete article about lame-o's Creed from Rolling Stone. It mentions how they have "Fallen from Grace" but were they ever graceful? I thought they always sucked

My Encounter With Morrissey

2007-11-05T22:07:00.001-06:00

The Date: October 17, 2007
The Venue: Genessee Theatre, Waukegan, IL
The Attraction: Morrissey

My fanaticism with Morrissey and his former group, The Smiths, has lasted over 20 years. I had seen Morrissey in concert nine times prior. October 17th was to be my 10th show(the first was way back in 1992 at UCLA Pauley Pavilion).

Usually, when I attend a Morrissey show I have to drag my wife or pay for an extra ticket and bring my brother-in-law. This concert, I was going solo. There would be nothing to slow me down in my pursuit to make it on the stage and give the Mozzer a hug.

Driving up from the near Chicago suburbs, I was trying to get myself in the mood for the show. Unfortunately, I took my wife's car that she drives Jake around town in. Instead of hearing the Your Arsenal or Vauxhall and I album, I was left with the Putamayo Children's songs, Phil Collins, and Dixie Chicks.

As the show started, there was an instant rush. The band hit the stage and an instant feeling of exhilaration overtook me. Song after beautiful song poured through the speakers. The encore began and some stage invaders made their way up during "First of the Gang To Die". Nothing was holding me back this time around. I excused myself past the people in my row, darted to the left side of the stage and used the speaker for leverage to make my way up. Within an instant I was on the stage and made my way towards Morrissey. Almost instantly a security guard gave me a semi headlock. The momentum was too strong though as I kept advancing. The security guard pulled be back but not before I grabbed Morrissey's forearm. After countless hours listening to his music, spending close to $5,000 on music, concerts, attire, etc., and years of admiration, I was able to touch the person who so well defined my adolescence. Thank you Steven Patrick Morrissey for an unforgetable night!

Rock N Roll Quiz

2007-11-05T21:08:00.000-06:00

Who got me a subscription to Rolling Stone? The magazine comes to my house every two weeks and is filled with articles on bands I actually care about. There are articles about Bruce Springsteen, The Killers, The Clash, Pearl Jam, Kanye West, etc. Although I haven't search hard, I have not come across mention of Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance, which is a great thing.

One online challenge the magazine pointed me to was a Rock N Roll quiz available online. These aren't gimme's like "Whose wife did Eric Clapton write the song Layla?" (answer: George Harrison), but some real toughies. By taking the quiz, you will find out:

The rock star that was a classmate of former Dallas Cowboys head coach Jimmy Johnson
The reason behind Jimi Hendrix from the Army
The meaning of the words "Gunter Glieben Glauten Globen" are heard on the beginning of Def Leppard's Rock of Ages
The Oscar winning star that appeared in Madonna's video "La Isla Bonita"

I scored a respectable 38, which the quiz creators deemed as "WHIZ". Try it yourself - click here

White Food

2007-09-18T11:00:00.000-05:00

A few months ago I was in Vancouver. In our search for a local restaurant, we asked the Asian young woman working at the clothing store where my wife and I were shopping. She gave us a referral to a restaurant that we had seen previously that looked like an equivalent of Applebee's. When I asked her what type of food they served it sounded like she said Wild Food. I asked her again and she said "White Food". Trying to figure out what white food was, I asked what kind of entrees they had. Her response was they had grilled chicken, burgers, pizza, pasta, etc.

While it was amusing to hear this, it was also pretty offensive. How dare she clump two major continents, North America and Europe into one category and call it White food. I have seen people get stares for calling sushi restaurants Chinese food. And here this young lady is taking food from 1 billion different people and making a blanket statement that we all like French Fries, Mayonaisse, and Peanut Butter and Jelly. By no shape or form am I any sort of white power proponent but as caucasians, we should have some better food types represent us in the eyes of other nationalities.

On a side note, pastas should be considered Asian not "white food" since Marco Polo took this from the East and brought it back to the Italians.

Open Letter to Prick at Woodfield

2007-08-19T20:07:00.001-05:00

Dear Jerk,

For some reason you think it is cool to take off your factory installed quality muffler that reduces the level of noise you have on your automobile and replace it with a piece of crap devise that makes it sounds as if your engine came from John Travolta's garage from Rydel High.

The truth is that you are a spoiled, little prick who deserves to be kicked in the balls repeatedly. Your mommy and daddy must have not been present during your upbringing and so you desperately have to rely on upsetting strangers to get any attention.

If you are that much in need for parental advice, I will give it to you. Quit being an asshole. No one likes you!!! It isn't right to rev your engine in a parking garage when people are pushing their babies in strollers. Go study and maybe you can contribute to society instead of being a pimple on the ass of mankind.

Thank you,
Dave

Morrissey, You Clever Bastard

2007-08-17T17:20:00.000-05:00

After my countless weeks of blogging (11 total), I cannot believe that have not written about my cultural icon, Steven Patrick Morrissey aka Morrissey aka lead singer of The Smiths. He is the funniest, clever, charming, and true telling lyricists/musician that has come about in the past 25 years.

If you have even seen him in an interview, he comes across as an articulate, informed, and witty intellectual - much different than say David Lee Roth. He is more like Bob Dylan without the marbles in his mouth. His stage presence is second to none (see Youtube Clip -fun begins around 1:00 minute in) . Such drama on stage that one can see why he says that the only time he feels comfortable in life is when he is performing.

I have been a hardcore fan of him and the Smiths for almost 20 years. I have seen Morrissey in concert 9 times. His music has spoken to me with its truthfulness and vulnerability. During adolescence, hearing his dark lyrics help me know that to feel morose was okay.

What prompted me to dwell on the Mozzer recently was hearing the song Rubber Ring. We in the US would call this an inner tube. Rubber Ring has some prophetic lyrics to remind me not forget the music that consoled me in my youth:

But don't forget the songs that made you cry
And the songs that saved your life
Yes, you're older now
And you're a clever swine
But they were the only ones who ever stood by you

Thanks Morrissey for all of the dark, funny, and poignant music and insight throughout the years.

Old Arizona State Articles

2007-08-15T19:21:00.001-05:00

Wouldn't it be great if you could go back 10 years and see the thoughts that were swirling around in your young impressionable mind? For me, the answer is a big no. I did a google search on my name and found all the old columns I wrote for the Arizona State University newspaper State Press. Enjoy the bizarre ramblings of a 21 year old who thought he knew everything. By the way, I never realized I used the word "definitely" so much.

Summer 1996
Credit Plague
Column: Living in blissful ignorance
Mesa limits freedom

Fall 1996

Column: Independent candidates offer ray of hope, but no solid platforms
Column: Semen shows prisoners have too much time
Column: Angel of death oversteps limits
Letter: Freaks push extremes to display individuality
Column: Polls do disservice to democracy
Column: Society too lax on criminals
Responses:
Letter: Columnist unjustly attacks child's act
Letter: Solution to crime is not more prisons but empathy, resources and services, student says
Column: Government handcuffs citizens, right to happiness

(search under David G)

Selective Liberalism

2007-08-15T17:55:00.000-05:00

The liberal mind is a wonder. Everyone has come across the types who are very free spirited. In fact, I love being around these types of people because I espouse many of the same views.

One trait that the liberal mind is especially proud is its open mindedness. They can accept someone who has an outlandish point of view. If someone worships a pineapple, then that is cool. If they find solace in camping in a desert, doing mind altering drugs, and having unprotected promiscuous consensual sex, then that is cool. If someone spends every week going to an established religious institution like a church or temple, they are idiots!

This type of mentality is what I like to call "Selective Liberalism". Those on the far left wing are accepting of unconventional behavior but frown on those who go about their way of life in a traditional manner. If one possesses an open mind, they should be tolerant of all types of beliefs, whether they be towards the more avante garde or Main Street USA. We should all strive to be more like Lisa Simpson in this way.

Albeit human nature, I try to make a conscious decision to be minimize the level of self righteousness I possess. The only things I am critical of are hypocrites.

ChiTown Hero

2007-08-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

If the Higglytown Heroes on Disney's Playhouse can have a garbage man listed as an icon, then I am going to put together my own list of ChiTown Heroes. This week’s installment is of a man who should not be dismissed. When the morale is low, he comes and makes everyone at peace. He is Ronnie Woo Woo.

If you are a sports fan and do not know Ronnie Woo Woo, you should feel ashamed. He is making his case to be part of the baseball hall of fame. Ronnie is a homeless man who wanders the perimeter of Wrigley Field decked out in his “Woo Woo” jersey. Somehow he always makes his way into the game to cheer on his beloved Cubs.

During the eigth inning, morale starts to take a turn for the worst as alcohol sales cease. Drunken fraternity types sidle up next to Ronnie and applaud him in an attempt to have him do what he does best – woo. After little encouragement, Ronnie, opens up his semi-toothed mouth and shouts “Cubs Woo! Go Woo! Cubs Woo!”. The whole bleacher section erupts into a chorus of cheers despite the fact that their team is down four runs.

Ronnie, you are a ChiTown Hero.

Breastfeeding in the USA

2007-07-27T14:23:00.000-05:00

My wife may be earthly but she is not some crazy tree hugging hippie. Yet, people are amazed and impressed by her commitment to breastfeeding our son, Baby Jake, who just turned nine months.

There are so many benefits to both the mother and child:

Reduced risk of breast cancer and ovarian cancer for mother

Quicker weight loss for mother - stimulates the uterus to contract back to its original size

Free - don't have to pay $100 a month for formula

Easy - no warming up bottles, cleaning parts, etc.

Lower risk of obesity for child

Provides all nutrients to child - fatty acids, lactose, water, and amino acids

Baby receives antibodies from mother to protect against disease

Breast milk is always sterile

Sucking on breast promotes good jaw development

Creates an early attachment between mother and child

Lower risk of SIDS

Prevents against sleep apnea

With all of this evidence, only 65% of US women nurse their children in their first few days of life and only 36% of women breastfeed at all by 6 months per the Center of Disease Control (click here for data). This is despite the World Health Organization and American Academy of Pediatrics recommending that women breastfeed exclusively for the first six months.

Of course there are some benefits of formula - Less Nipple soreness, Don't have to expose your breast as much in public, Mom can smoke and drink guilt free - but these are pithy compared to the upside. So American women - embrace nursing!! It is a beautiful thing that requires a little getting used to. And please don't look at my wife like she is a Hillary loving tax and spend anti NRA Phish loving beatnik.

Cool Music For Old Guys

2007-07-20T14:55:00.000-05:00

Here is Chicago there is a radio station WXRT. They think they are cool because they play the new song by the Rolling Stones or some crappy John Mayer song. Every once in a while, they mix it up by playing a blues song by Buddy Guy. Perhaps, some dude in his 50's might get the illusion that he is happening by blaring this on his European convertible but in reality, it is lameola!!

Trying to stay hip after the age of thirty takes a good commitment. You have to be able to listen to new stuff and a lot of it is bad. I know I find my way over to the oldies station or listening to lite Jazz, which plays George Benson, Sade, and Robin Thicke. The four concerts I have gone to or am going to this year are Morrissey, The Police, Genesis, and The Cure.

Based on different reviews I read and people whose taste I respect, I download some songs to hear some of the newer artists. Below is a list of artists that people over 30 can listen to and feel somewhat legitimately cool but not look as if they are trying hard:

* Amy Winehouse - You may have been disappointed by how boring Nora Jones is. Amy doesn't have the soft sultry voice but packs a powerful wallop of soulful fun songs.
* Death Cab For Cutie - Some songs are hit and miss and the singer's voice is a little effeminate but the songs are all very catchy and easy to bounce or have a background music.
* Lilly Allen - The cool version of Gwen Stefani. Like Amy, another British chick with some spunk with songs that are fun with great lyrics. Give a listen to LDN or Alfie.
* Muse/Killers - They are too different bands but have the same feel - Modern Rock with retro synthesizers. The only difference is Muse is less lame.
* Arcade Fire - A more edgy Bon Jovi. They aren't soft and sissy like Dashboard Confessional and some of their songs have some great lyrics, like Intervention.

There you go. You have been spared from Fergie and Daughtery

Jake's Cool Music Taste

2007-07-12T18:47:00.000-05:00

Jake rocks. He is only 9 months old and listens to the coolest music. He loves "Safety Dance", which I replace the words with "Monkey Dance" and make his stuffed monkey perform. He also enjoys Elvis and Barry Manilow as well.

The other reason why he is so cool is that he doesn't let going to bed bring him down. We have an awesome CD which is "The Cure" songs remade into lullabies. After he is laid down in his crib, the CD is turned on and he drifts away to sleep to "Pictures of You", "Boys Don't Cry", and "Just Like Heaven". Click Here for a link to the CD.

Est and I are excited because this morning we got tickets for The Cure show in Chicago in September.

What Is Wrong With Mark on 'Age of Love'?

2007-07-11T08:58:00.001-05:00

Mark, Mark, Mark. You are beginning to scare me with the people that you are letting go on the program. Last week you got rid of Lynn, the most attractive of the 40 year old group, and this week you give the axe to Tessa. What is more disturbing is that you kept on Crazy Mary who cries she realizes her shoes are untied. Can anyone look at this picture and choose Mary over Tessa.

There was one aspect of last nights show that redeemed Mark in the eyes of all guys. When Amanda asked him about the other women he had kissed, he replied that "I may have kissed the other girls but you are the only one that I 'kiss kissed'." Anyone with any amount of common sense could tell that this was a bunch of semantic crap. But, little Amanda-the fake breasted hockey cheerleader-ate it right up. Way to go Mark Philipoupopussossuoss.

Are They All Really Heroes

2007-07-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

Baby Jake loves TV. Actually, he is interested for 30 seconds and then diverts his attention to the ceiling fan or to mommy who sings "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to him. I love for him watch TV so that I can get an extra 10 minutes of sleep or get dressed in the morning. One channel I know is safe for him to watch is the Disney Channel. The show I put on almost daily is "Higglytown Heroes".

On the show, these wobbly dudes jump up around and sing song until there is a problem. On one show, there is a bee hive in the backyard so the Higglytown Hero was a beekeeper. On another episode, a cat is stuck in a tree and a fireman rescues the kitty, making him the hero. These seem like legitimate superstars.

Within an city limit, there are only a limited number of job classifications that can be considered heroic. There was an episode where some shirts get dirty. The laundry attendant therefore became the Higglytown hero. Grocery clerk, waitress, baker, window washter - These are all jobs that needed and those who perform these tasks should be respected. I just feel weird teaching Jake that a tour guide is some kind of icon that should be revered. Why not just call them "Higglytown Nice Guys". I would be okay with that.

Viva Air Guitar

2007-07-06T11:30:00.000-05:00

I went to The Police concert last night at Wrigley Field in Chicago. They were rocking pretty good. Some of there not so good 3 minute songs they extended to 10 minute songs. I had a good time being out with my wife having some adult time together. (Side note: why does saying adult time make one instantly think of pornography?).

During the song "Can't Stand Losing You" they did a five minute instrumental break. At this point in time, I pulled out my air guitar I had snuck in past security. I spread my legs into a mighty power stance and strummed my first chord. From there, I frantically moved my left arm up and down the neck of the instrument to reach all of the notes while my right hand picked away. My jam was so jamming that I switched to the bass half way through. It was at this point that my wife pointed out that I was the only one in the crowd who was doing the air guitar to which I replied "Awesome"!

This beckons the question - Is the Air Guitar losing its ground? It was so much an intregal part of my adolescence. Rocking out to Ratt, Warrant, and Poison would not be complete without this mighty instrument. Has this millenium brought forth a change in tide when pantomime and rocking no longer can coexist?

I anticipate that in one hundred years scholars at Ivy League schools will track American Music and study the lost artform of air guitar. They will pay special attention to the overbite, the kick-out, the ground spasm, and (my favorite) the spin the guitar behind your back.

Oh air guitar. You will be missed. Thank you for so many lovely memories. In honor of the Air Guitar, I have compiled a list of the all-time top air guitar songs:

Prince - "Let's Go Crazy"
Van Halen - "Panama" and beginning of "Really Got Me"
Derrick and the Dominos - "Leyla"
Foo Fighters - "Everlong"
Guns N Roses - "Sweet Child O' Mine"
Pearl Jam - "Alive"
Poison - "Talk Dirty To Me"
AC/DC -"Back In Black"

Why is "That is so Lame!" Acceptable?

2007-06-29T12:25:00.000-05:00

I am very conscious not to use the word "retarded" even though I used it all of the time when I was growing up. I also have used the word "gay" quite a bit, and still do on occasion but make sure what company I am in. Sometimes there is no better description when your brother in law does his hair to look like Ricky Martin and wears a pink polo with the collar turned up.

One word I can say and never fear any repercussions is the word "lame". Which leads me to the question, why are we as a society so cruel to the lame. Are they not people too? When I had shin splints training for the marathon a few years back, my walk was a bit awkward. People called me lame all the time. My coworkers even thought it was cute to call me gimpy. Gimpy for Christ’s sake!!!

So what is my point?! Do I think we should stop calling things lame, like “Baby on Board” signs or “So You Think You Can Dance?”. The answer is no. Please do call them lame. Call them retard and also call them gay. Honestly, who really watches those dance shows. Let us be balanced in our derogatory comments. That is what our forefathers would have wanted it.

Cool Link of the Week

2007-06-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

I always love a good website to kill some time, especially ones with a lot of data that I can sink my teeth into. I recently found a great one, City Data!

On this website, you can look up cities across the United State and retrieve information on:
* Population
* Level of Education of your community
* Average House Price
* Average Weather
* Famous people born in a specific city

Another interesting element is that you can see who the sexual offenders are in your area. Upon looking at the list of deviants, there looks to be an unwritten heirarchy of perverts. The worst is rape, followed by Aggravated Kidnaping Of A Child and then Aggravated Criminal Sexual Abuse. In comparison, the least offensive is Child Pornography/film/photos.

I took a look to see what sort of deviants live in my community. Sure enough, there was one that I knew who lives down the street from us. I met the guy a few weeks back at a our block party and he seemed like a nice guy - married with two kids. Suffice to say, it was quite a surprise to see him pop-up on the list. He offense was listed as kiddy porn, which I hope is that he accidently ran across a website with a naked 17 year old for two seconds. Regardless, I don't think Baby Gee will be playing with his kids anytime in the next 18 years.

Jake's Favorite Things

2007-06-27T09:43:00.001-05:00

Baby Jake has recently turned 8 months and he is the most perfect baby in the post-cold war era. (The most perfect baby during the cold war was the little Shirley Temple). He can now roll, crawl somewhat, blend his cries with his laughter, and do raspberries. As a tribute to him, I am publishing this top five things in the world:

1. Ceiling Fans: The little guy can't get enough of seeing the magical wheel spin in the sky. It keeps going and going providing an endless supply of draftiness mixed with entertainment.

2. Banging Things: While in the tub, Baby Jake takes the plastic Nemo and bangs him against the side. During feedings, he bangs his open palm on the tray. During Playtime, he takes his block and bangs it against the train. In front of the piano, his little damp fingers bang on the black and whiles. This little boy love to bang.

3. Tad the Counting Frog - Whenever the little guy gets all worked up - crying and such, I press Tad's foot and he starts to speak - "Hi. I'm Tad. Sing a counting song with me." Upon which, he counts to ten and daddy makes him dance.

4. Elmo - At least it is better than Barney.

5. Mommy- I'll admit that Jake loves his mommy more than me. However, she had a nine month start of getting to know him and she nurses him a couple times a day.

Greatest 80's Song Ever!!!

2007-06-25T16:07:00.000-05:00

Sure, the eighties have produced some remarkable hits - Rock Me Amadeus, Come On Eileen, Electric Avenue - but most of these songs are void of any sort of message. They may pick you up and make you want to snap your fingers, but you have to comb very finely this rich catalogue of music in order to uncover the ditty that has great lyrics, a fantastic beat, as well as a public service announcement. The only song that I know that has this richness is the classic by Men Without Hats, Safety Dance.

Prior to the release of this song, Caucasians were flailing their arms around like George Michael in the Wake Me Up Before You Go Go video. With elbows flying in the are and bottom lips being bitten, no one was safe on the dance floor. Men Without Hats sought to end this madness.

They had a lot of guts too because most songs with a message, have that point made subtly so you have to listen hard to interpret the meaning. The answer is Blowing in the Wind. What the hell does that mean. We sure know what Safety Dance means. "We Can Dance, We Can Dance, Everybody look at your hands". Brilliant!!! Make sure your hands are attached to your body. Don't punch the Robert Smith look alike by accident.

The icing on the cake is that they don't just say Safety Dance about a thousand times, they also spell it out, literally. S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y.

If you don't think this is the eptiome of 80's genius, then you obviously do not know music or pop culture.

Oh The Joys of Cemetaries

2007-06-25T16:04:00.001-05:00

Driving past what seemed like 100 acres of cemetary, you can't help but to feel a bit morose. Aisle after endless aisle of tombstones that time has forgotten. I couldn't help but think that this is all that we will become. Maybe for a generations our children will visit our own gravesites once a year for mother's/father's day. Our grandchildren out of morbid curiosity will want to see the site of the person who gave them their strange genetic mutation. Then after 50 years, no one will visit your site, except some crazy teenagers who want to scare their dates enough so that they can score with them later on.

Anyway, have a nice day!

What is with the Spelling in Hip Hop Songs

2007-06-07T08:37:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I don't get hip hop. I enjoy the beats and there are certain artist like Kanye West, Jay Z, and Eminem that I think compose lyrics that are insightful and thought provoking. On a side note, props to Kanye West for using his real name and not some ludicrous (or ludacris for some of you) nickname.

The part of hip hop or pop songs that really confuse me are when singers or rappers feel the need to spell. D-to the E- to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S. WOW!!! This guy knows how to spell delicious. Every Fergie songs seems to have the need to do this. G-L-A-M-O-U-R-O-U-S. Are you showing off that eighth grade education. Good for you!!! You can spell three syllable words. Take that geeky Scripps National Spelling Bee kids.

For God's sake, don't start all the hip hop songs with "Uh" or "Yeah" and bring in some instruments. Some besides the producer has to have some talent in this industry.

Gymboree

2007-06-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

I am the lamest guy for looking forward to Gymboree every Saturday. I take my seven month old there and if anyone I went to junior high saw me, would swear I turned gay. I talk high pitch saying, "Jakey, look at daddy rocking you. What a big boy. You are the smootchiest". My everyday interactions usually don't consist of this jibberjabber. Altough, I wouldn't be opposed to them having little droplets. It would be great to talk to my boss and say, "Wait a little pootchky poo minute while I get that report."

I felt really lame when I was making requests to the facilitator. "Can we do the 'One Potato, Two Potato'?". I think I spoke for the group when I requested this because everyone seemed up for it, especially that kid Johnny. He thinks he is so cool because he can crawl and he has eight teeth. All that I know is that Jake could kick his ass in a Sumo wrestling competition. And that cute girl Addison, you think you are so cool with your little sun dress! The other infants think you are a tease. So take that.

By the way, what is up with them turning every song into a promotion for Gymboree. "The Wheels on the bus go to Gymboree"? No they don't! They go around and round. "One Little Two Little Bubbles Here at Gymboree"? First of all, it should be Indians. Is it a politically incorrect to count Indians now? I probably should back off on that one and admit it is a bit wrong. If I said "One little, two little, three little Jews" it would sound pretty bad.

Did I mention I love Gymboree?