Kite Runner Book Review

The movie Kite Runner is expanding into theaters across the country in next few weeks. It has been nomiated for 2 golden globe awards. Is the movie any good? I don't know. For the first time since Cold Mountain, I have actually read the book before seeing the movie. So here is my book review. Whether or not it has anything to do with the book - I have no idea. Here is my review. I don't remember a lot of the names but I will do my best (*** SPOILER ALERT****):

• Assef is an asshole. It is hard to believe that people like this actually breathe the same air as me
• Hassan seems like the nicest kid/guy in the world. I cannot believe I actually breathe the same air as people like him
• People do stupid things in their lives. We all have regrets. We all wish we could go back and do things differently - Me, Amir, Amir's wife, Baba. Feeling guilty and wallowing does not do any of us any good. We have to learn, ask to be forgiven, and make it better
• Being born in the mid 1970's, I never knew Afghanistan was any place but a dump for wacko religious fanatics and before that wimps who got their butts kicked by the USSR
• Those Taliban really do some crazy stuff. The exhibition at the half time of the soccer game was nuts. It makes the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction look like Sesame Street
• The next time I am at the beach flying my kite, I am going to try some of Hassan's moves and try to cut someone else's kite. That oughta show em.
• I have never seen a Hazara. I bet they would be cool to shoot some pool with.
• See my prior blog about human fertility. It is too bad when good people are not able to reproduce.
• I have been hearing recently how the CIA helped guerilla resistant groups in Afghanistan fight the Soviets in the 1980's. In exchange for their help, we would allow them to continue with their opium production. The opium they send to Turkey, which they refine and turn into herion helping to continue America's addiction. USA!! USA!!

Spider Tiger

There has been a lot of skeptism on the tiger Tatiana from the San Francisco zoo. Was he taunted, molested, given a pole vault, given a suspension bridge, carried by seagulls? These should not be ruled out as possible ways in which he escaped.

In addition to graduating in the top 75% of my high school class my knowledge also comes from watching summer blockbusters. This has lead to my theory on the mysterious Tatiana's escape - Spider Tiger. Yes Tatiana was bitten my a genetically modified spider that bit her in the touchas. As a result, she was filled with rage and super tiger powers enabling her to jump a 15 foot moat and climb a 10 foot fence.

Luckily Murdock and Riggs were on the scene to bust a cap but not before Spider Tiger was able to maul two children and kill another young adult (cue the Celine Dion song).

On a serious note - Happy New Year Yo!

I'm Number 4,446,976

Since I have been adding some new brilliant observations and comments to my blog in the last few weeks, I thought I would market the site a little better to bring in some more traffic. In doing so, I have registered with the site Technorati. This is the hub that one can go to if they want to find a blog on random topics - such as why Lifetime Fitness sucks or if Violet Bick is hotter than Mary Hatch on It's a Wonderful Life.

I am happy to announce that my blog is ranked in the top 4.5 million. Not to toot my own horn, but I am number 4,446,976!! Take that Boing Boing and Ariana Huffington.

Best Holiday of All Is...

Christmas? No! 4th of July? No! Halloween? Of course not!

By far the best holiday is New Year's Day. This is day that celebrates a clean slate for everyone. People can wash their hands of the mistakes and regrets of the prior 365 days. In the new year they can lose that weight, meet that special someone, take that long awaited excursion.

There is no basis on religion, race, or nationality. It is based exclusively on mathematics and truth. We are free to say "Happy New Year" to anyone without worrying that you are offending them. Any reasonable person will respond in kind "May you have A marvelous New Year as well". Wouldn't it be great if all other holidays shared this element of reason?

Violet Bick or Mary Hatch

George Bailey, the Jimmy Stewart character in It's A Wonderful Life, has many choices in the legendary Frank Capra film. Should he stay with the building and loan or travel and explore the world? Should he partner with Sam Wainwright in his pie in the sky schemes? Should he go gansta on Uncle Billy for losing the $8,000 that was owed to Mr. Potter? All of these are questions could be debated for hours.

One more question that any question that is not up for debate is should George have dumped Mary and gone swinging with Violet Bick. The answer is obviously "Yes". George has to play baby sitter to all the screw ups in Bedford Falls, take the crap from his slacker brother Peter, and wipe up the puke from his rummy uncle. He might has well have a little fun with wild gal Violet, played by Gloria Grahame.

Violet was a lot like the Paris Hilton of Bedford Falls. She may have not been the best conversationalist or sweetest gal but she would get you into the happening places and leave a single guy feeling fulfilled. Doesn't poor sacrificing George deserve a little fun? Then he could settle with Mary and feel like he did sailed around the world....or a least explore a girl who had a sailor from every part of the world.

Lifetime Fitness Sucks (cont.)

Looking at the site tracking to my site, I can see a lot of people come to my site by googling "Lifetime Fitness Sucks" or "Lifetime Fitness Music" . They have come from across the US ranging from Virginia, New Jersey, Texas Minnesota, and Georgia. Based on this, I know I am not alone in my crusade to get the music they play more hip and not as crappy.

This morning they played "Forever Your Girl" by Paula Abdul and "Dead Man's Party" by Oingo Boingo. These were two of the selections they played that were just ridiculous. Surprisingly, they played some decent more recent songs - "Have a Nice Day" by Bon Jovi, "Talk" by Coldplay, and "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. To add to my dissatisfaction today the toilet paper dispensers in the bathroom stall were on the ground and there was not soap in my shower dispenser. Also, there was some idiot kid who was walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes at .5 speed.

Two weeks ago when I was there, it was like an Eastern European bathhouse. For a change, I decided I would check out the jacuzzi. There were twelve dudes in the one hot tub (the other was closed for repairs). I swear that three of them were wearing tighty whiteys. Now that is just gross.

Any terrible songs that come up or complaints you have about the club, please add to the comments so we start a grass roots campaign to get Lifetime to provide the value they should be providing for their high dues.

Worst Christmas Songs

It's the holiday season. So whoop de doo and dickory dock. Don't forget to hang up your sock. With the Christmas time comes good cheer, irrational stocking stuffers, and an extra five pounds around the buttocks. It also comes with some music that will just about drive you crazy.

The traditional songs are one thing. How many times can we hear "Little Drummer Boy"? What the hell is that song even about. Then there are the campy songs like "You're a bastard, Mr. Grinch" or "Holly Jolly Christmas". These songs were fun the first dozen times they were heard.

The absolute worst songs are those performed by pop stars that have no business singing these type of jingles. The exception to this is Run DMC's Christmas in Hollis. Below are the list of worst holiday songs by popular artists:

5. Santa Baby by Eartha Kit - Annoying, annoying, annoying
4. You Make It Feel Like Christmas by Neil Diamond - What is next Mike Hucabee singing Hava Nagila?
3. Little Saint Nick by The Beach Boys - I actually do like the harmony but the surfer vibe doesn't work with holiday tunes
2. Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon - Hippee fluff on top of Christmas music
1. Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas by Paul McCartney. Both number 1 and number 2 are evidence that the Beatles should have never broken up.

For me, the best songs are the ones that are classy, written by professional song writers, and sung by individuals with a great voice. Give me Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" or Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" any day over "Frosty".

Name the Idiot!!

Alright. It is time to play a new game called "Name the Idiot". I am going to list a bunch of facts about someone and you try to guess who I am talking about:

1. I am running for President
2. I think that people inflicted with AIDS should be sent to an island isolated from the rest of society
3. I think that if you are not an evangelical, born again, or baptism Christian, you are not going to heaven
4. I go out of my way to parole rapists who go on to rape and kill other women
5. I want to raise everyone's taxes
6. I think if we stopped abortion, we wouldn't have any more problems with immigration
7. I think that evolution isn't for real. Science is silly. The world started 6,000 years ago, like the bible says.
8. While I was governor, I set up a wedding registry at Target when I renewed my vows so tax payers could buy me stuff
9. I used $60,000 of tax­payer fund for personal expenses like dog food, pantyhose and meals at Taco Bell
10. I hail from Arkansas
11. I lost over 100 pounds
12. I hate gays

WHO IS THIS IDIOT...... (Highlight the row below for answer)
Mike Hukabee

Lifetime Fitness Sucks

I have been a member of Lifetime Fitness for about 6 months. I used to be a member three years ago but quit for a couple of quality reasons:

1. They didn't know how to cap their enrollment and the place became a zoo
2. Too many damn tweens running around using the equipment
3. Too many jerks using their cell phones while on the stair master
4. Funky odor in the locker rooms

There are two additional reasons that still persist that I am very unhappy about but overlook them because now that I have a kid, I appreciate their child care facilities. The first is the terrible selections on the television. Does anyone really watch the "CW" or "The Golf Channel? There are only 8 televisions, please lets focus on broadcast, sports and news. This will appeal to everyone except for the little battered wife who wants to watch Lifetime channel.

With the limited choices, do you need to show the videos to the lame ass music you are playing. That is my second major beef with Lifetime - the incredibly poor music they play while working out. This is 2007! Do you really think I will get pumped up lifting why listening to "Please Mr. Postman"? Some other crappy songs they play are "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper, "The Heart of Rock and Roll" by Huey Lewis, and "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. When recent music is played it is either teeny bopper crap like Aly and AJ or some cupcake light FM song by John Mayer. This is place to exercise and get energized, not romper room or a starbucks.

Lifetime, you are lucky that other fitness centers are filled with grannies and that I hate Bally's even more. Your one saving grace are the water slides. Just make sure no tweens get in my way.