Shakira: Great for Dads, Not So Much For Kids

My son loves to dance and music, especially Latin music with lots of horns. I can't stand that crap but can tolerate Shakira.

I turned on Hips Don't Lie and be both enjoyed shaking our tushes, even though all her moves are quite suggestive. Afterwards, I gave She Wolf a try. Once it started, look out.

There is Shakira in a flesh colored body suit dancing in a pink meshy tunnel that looks like a vagina. Although continuing having my son watch this would ensure him being heterosexual, I thought it best to find The Wiggles.

I'll save She Wolf for a later viewing

Best Children's Stories About Music

If your little guy/girl's second passion, the first being saying the word poopy all the time, is music and you are looking for a special book that will satiate their needs, you have come to the right place. Below is an assemblage of picture books for the 2 to 5 year old in your life that doesn't dumb it down to much for the little poopy speakers. Taking my son to the library almost every week and having read a total of 12 books about orchestrates, marching bands, and jazz, I have done the hard work for you.
Behold!!! My list of the top 5 children's books about music:

1. Our Marching Band by Lloyd Moss and Diana Cain Bluthenthal - A fun band about a bunch of kids who aren't very talented by practice together at great length and become the town's prized marching band. The meter of this book is at a good pace and I enjoy how the towns folk find the band dreadful at the beginning.
2. This Jazz Man by Karen Ehrhardt and R.G. Roth - Lots of references to Jazz greats like Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker. A satisifying read with the only drawback being that it is set to the tune "The Old Man." The kids will enjoy finding the hidden mouse on each page.
3. Zin, Zin, Zin a Violin by Lloyd Moss and Marjorie Priceman - 10 different instruments and not one drum. I love it. Plus, you know two musicians are a duet the four musicians are a quartet. Do you know what seven musicians playing together are called? Read the book to find out. My big gripe is why do they make the bald guy the goofball bassoon player. That is....well it is not racism....but it is some kind of "ist". Lloyd Moss sure loves to write kids books about music.
4. Fiddle I Fee by Will Hillenbrand - So catchy a two and a half year old will talking about which animals please him or her. Its clean so get your mind out of the gutter.
5. The Remarkable Farkle McBride by John Lithgow and C. F. Payne - Yes, this is by that John Lithgow. Clever writing about a young man you loves an instrument from each section of the orchestra only to hate them. How will this book end? What will fickle Farkle do? You'll have to read to find out.

Honorable mention: Jazz on a Saturday Night, Violets Music.

Forget about them: Meet the Orchestra, Tuba Lessons.

Enjoy in good health my friends.

H1N1 Parenting Tips

Since the whole world is giving their tips on how to best combat seasonal viruses, I wanted to do my part. Enjoy this exciting game and determine which of these statements are true:

1. If you have to sneeze or cough, do so in your hand or into the air
2. Touch your eyes, nose, and mouth frequently
3. If you have a fever but you have some crap you have to get done, that's cool. Go outside and take care of business.
4. Only pansies was there hands.
5. Get close to those who currently have the virus. Their germs will act as a forcefield and protect you.
6. Touch all the doorknobs from preschools, YMCAs, and Gymborees
7. Tongue kiss and licks the hands of strangers

I think the answers are pretty obvious. Numbers 2, 5, and 7 are false. The rest are true. Good luck and hopefully we'll all still be around in March.

Coffee Math

I get looks from people at work due to the fact that I always seem to have a cup of coffee in my hand. Sorry my stink breath disturbs you. I try to eat a lifesavers but it just arms to mask the scent.

Just today, I was approached about why I drink so much. My reply was that it was my right by using coffee match. Coffee math?! What the he'll is that?! Fear not humble reader, I'll clue you in.
You start with the number 10. That is the max cups of coffee your basic human should consume. Then you subtract the number of hours you have slept. For example, you took in 8 hours. The result is the number of cups of coffee you are entitled. The answer would be two cups for this example in the event you didn't finish the fourth grade.

The reason I drink so much is because my crazy kid never goes to bed despite our infinite number of sleep training methods. Usually get 5-6 hours of sleep, so I chug 4-5 cups a day. It is one of the perks of being sleep deprived.

Harry the Dirty Dog Exposes America's Racism

America in the mid-1950s was a turbulent time. Elvis Presley was shaking his hips. The Korean Was going strong. The civil rights movement was building up momentum. No book exposes America's racial bias at the time as Harry the Dirty Dog by Gene Zion.

The book shows everyone loves Harry as a loveable white dog with some black spots. Harry finds his roots becoming more and more black returning to his family reinvigorated. His family scoffs at the dog claiming they do not know this animal even though he shows the same mannerisms and tricks he did a few hours previously. The family only comes to love Harry again as his blackness is washed away, showing the white dog he was previously.

Gene Zion is probably a pseudonym as he is likely one of the propenents of the anti-semetic manifesto 'The Protocols of the Elders of Zion'. This is evident there seem to be no characters in the book who are Jewish, unless the author things Harry the chosen one. This would be entirely wrong to categorize the Jew as a dog. This mimics the Palestinian's view as Jews are pigs.

Is Harry a loveable dog that gets dirty, is the book a metaphor for the nation's view of civil rights similar to Arthur Miller's metaphor for McCarthyism in The Crucible, or is Gene Zion's Harry The Dirty Dog just another attempt of America to keep our African American brothers down. I think the proof is clear.

Escaping Lifetime Child Center

I had an interesting experience yesterday at Lifetime. We were visiting as my in-laws joined up. Since I hadn't left Jake in the day care center before and knew he was a bit clingy, I thought it would be good to let him play there while I watched him from a distance.

I started to walk away while Jake played with the Little People farm. See me walking away, he darted towards me. I knelt down and told him that "Daddy was going to walk away" and for him to be a big boy and play with the farm. The employee asked if she wanted me to hold him so that I could escape the play area.

Of course, I refused but it made me wonder what kind of parent would be okay with that. "Please body slam my child so I can get some chiseled abs". Unfortunately, it sounds like it must be a frequent enough request that it even be proposed.

Cool Dad At Lifetime Fitness Pool

I am the cool dad at the Lifetime Fitness Pool. No, I am not the guy with the chisselled pecs who could make the cover of Men's Fitness. Those are the uncool dads who dump their kids in the germ factory day care facility while they do squat thrusts for two hours. I am cool because I am actually aware of my son and try to make the occassion enjoyable for both of us.

To make the time at the pool fun for a two year old, I bring pool toys - balls, watering cans, cups, squirt toys. Jake gets a kick out of filling up a bucket with the cups and having the water splash as he throws the ball. What his dad doesn't care for is all of the absent minded or indifferent parents who allow their kids to pick up Jake's toys and walk over the entire opposite side of the pool. What is wrong with you people?!! If it is a choice between Jake being happy or your obnoxious kid not throwing a pissy fit, you had better believe that I am going to snatch his toys back.

More Gymboree Songs

Hello, Hello,
Hello and how are you
I'm Fine, I'm Fine
and hope that you two

(Sung to Frere Jacques)
Hello (Name), Hello (Name)
How are you? How are you?
We're glad you came to music
We're glad you came to music
How are you?How are you?

(rubbing tummy)
Round and Round The Circle
Goes the little bear
One, Two, Three, Four
(tickling neck) Tickle under there

(baby sitting on lap, kicking)
I have a little bicycle
I ride it to and fro
And When I see that big green light
I know it's time to go
(kicking faster)
I have a little bicycle
I ride it round the block
And When I see that big red light
I know it's time to stop(stop kicking)

International Gymboree

When I think Gymboree, I think dorky American parents being goofy with their kids. I am pleasantly surprised when I check my blog visitor records and see so many people checking my blog to find out the words to "There are Bubbles in the Air". Recent visitors have come from across the globe: France, Canada, Japan, Indonesia, China, Argentina, Thailand, Switzerland, and Singapore.

It is equally interesting to see that people in Dublin also hate David Archuleta.

Lastly, my son Jake is awesome because he went poop in the potty yesterday. I saw his red face and heard grunting and immediately grabbed him, plopped him on the toilet and the little green and brown bundt cake shaped dookie make a pleasant 'bloop' as it entered the toilet water.

18 Month Words

My little boy Jake will be turning 18 months in two weeks. Does he recite Shakespeare, no? Can he say some stuff, hell yeah! Because he has mad smarts, you. What words does baby Jake say, you ask. Well here they are:

1. Baby
2. Bee
3. Turtle
4. Moo (cow)
5. Baa (sheep)Maa (goat)
6. Bloop Bloop (fish)
7. Hee Haw (donkey)
8. Boo (ghost)
9. Shoes
10. Tree
11. Truck
12. Daddy
13. Hi
14. Mama
15. Nana
16. Papa
17. BaBa (his uncle)
18. Book
19. This
20. That
21. Pee

Gymboree Songs

So Gymboree seems to be popular by my viewing public. So, here are some song lyrics to some of the top hits at yours and my favorite children's place. Not that my son is coming close to 18 months and the weather is getting warmer, we are going to take a break from old Gymbo. I'll try to put up more songs as I remember them.

Bubbles In The Air (sung to If You're Happy And You Know It)
There are bubbles in the air, in the air
There are bubbles in the air, in the air
There are bubbles in the air
There are bubbles everywhere
There are bubbles in the air, in the air

There are bubbles way up high, way up high
There are bubbles way up high, way up high
There are bubbles way up high
There are bubbles in the sky
There are bubbles way up high, way up high

There are bubbles way down low, down low
There are bubbles way down low, down low
There are bubbles way down low
There are bubbles on your toes
There are bubbles way down low, down low


Gymbo Dance(sung to Wheels On the Bus)
Gymbo The Clown Goes Up and Down
Up and Down, Up and Down
Gymbo The Clown Goes Up and Down
Here at Gymboree

Gymbo The Clown Goes Side to Side
Side to Side, Side to Side
Gymbo The Clown Goes Side to Side
Here at Gymboree

Gymbo The Clown Goes a-boogie oogie oogie
boogie oogie oogie, boogie oogie oogie
Gymbo The Clown Goes boogie oogie oogie
Here at Gymboree

Come Under My Umbrella (sung to Did You Ever See a Lassie?)
Come Under My Umbrella,
Umbrella, Umbrella
Come Under My Umbrella,
It's going to Storm

There's Thunder and Lightning
and wind and rain
Come Under My Umbrella,
It's going to Storm

This one bugs me because it doesn't rhyme but I dig the parachute(umbrella) so I let it slide

Checking Out Lifetime Fitness Pool

I have been taking my 16 month old son to the pool the last two weeks at Lifetime and we have a pretty good time for about 45 minutes. He plays with the bubbling springs that pop-up, spins the rings on the partition between the waterslide area and main pool, and pours the water from his cups that we bring along.

Jake is both fascinated and fearful of the mushroom fountain in the middle of the pool. He craws my face when we get close but when I back away, he points to it like he wants to stick his hand through the wall of water.

Our other favorite activity is to avoid the unsupervised kids who rough house in the pool like they are part of the WWE Smackdown. I tell those little jerky kids to screw off and leave me and my boy alone.

The real fun begins in the family changing area. I try to not drop Jake on the tile flooring while he squirms as I try to give him a shower. The area is reserved for people with opposite gender children but I don't really care. I am not taking Jake into the men's locker room where hairy old men don't mind being naked and taking 30 minutes to get dressed. In my most recent visit, there was a 70 year old wearing a translucent skin tight speedo. Jake's eyes are already burning. I don't need him to be exposed anymore to strange dudes.

Sitting in My High Chair

A lot of people have been entering this website trying to find the lyrics to the Gymboree hit "Sitting in My High Chair". Here are the coveted lyrics (sung to the tune of Short'nin' Bread)

Sitting In My High Chair
High Chair, My Chair
Sitting In My High Chair
Banging My Spoon

Bring on the Carrots
Bring on the Peas
Somebody Feed This
Baby Please

Sitting In My High Chair
High Chair, My Chair
Sitting In My High Chair
Banging My Spoon

Bring on the Jelly
Bring on the Bread
Somebody Get This
Baby Fed

Baby Food Allergies

After violently puking after eating fish recently, my wife took our baby to the allergist to see if he was in fact allergic to fish. While he was at it, the doc also tested for milk allergies, since he had trouble with that in the past as well.

The results are positive, which is a bad thing. I think that Michael Scott on The Office is right on about how the medical positive/negative verbiage is counterintuitive. My little boy got pricked on the back multiple times see if a bump appeared, which it did for all different fish types and dairy. So, he will be off the moo juice and Nemos until at least age three, when we can test again.

My wife took him to the doctor and I didn't see where he was injected until I gave him a bath that night and saw eight little scabs on his back. They were aligned so symmetrically that it looked like he was recently removed from The Matrix.

We also have to carry an EpiPen to inject if he experiences any type of allergies. He is still the same happy little boy and we'll just have to be a bit more cautious. We are counting our blessings.

Dying too Soon

There is a guy at my work who I know lost his child last year. I just look at him and it breaks my heart. I saw him in a meeting one day and on his wrist he had a cross with the date of February 2006 RIP inscribed. When I walked past his cube a few days after, I saw pictures of his daughter who no doubt is the little one that he lost. She couldn't have been more than 18 months old. I didn't ask what happened and probably never will but I do go out of my way to be extra nice to the guy since I know I would be torn apart if that sort of thing happened.

I am good about not intruding into what happened and do my best to stay strong when I see him. I don't tend to be the mushy type but cracked yesterday driving into work. Stupid Kenny Chesney has to come on the air with "Who'd You Be Today". The song comes on the air and by the chorus, I am done with water swelling in my eyes. The lyrics go:

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

So, you win this round Kenny. And to those who have lost someone too soon, beware that I may give you a hug now that I am a dad and couldn't imagine a worse thing happening.

Fatherhood Wisdom From Vanilla Ice

When I am trying to put a diaper on my son after he has come out of the bath, starts getting wild, or dropping food from his high chair, I find myself quoting lyrics to the song "Ice, Ice Baby". My mouth opens up and I state "Stop, Collaborate, and Listen". What makes it even bizarre is when my wife calls up while changing Jake and I can't resist saying "Word to your mother". Thanks Robert Van Winkle.

Gymboree Song Translation

Great news. My son is a genius. The folks at Gymboree called and asked if he wanted to move up to the level 4 class. He is only 15 months and they want to skip a grade and go to the level that starts at 16 months. It may have something to do with the fact that if you ask him what a sheep says, he says "ba".

Gymboree's songs are fun but they change the lyrics so you think the song is specific to the facility. I have cracked the code and am sharing the translation with all:

• Gymbo the clown goes up and down = Wheels on the bus go round and round
• Hello Jake. Hello Jake. How are you? How are you? = Frere Jacques or Are you Sleeping or Where is Thumbkin
• There are bubbles in the air in the air = If you're happy and you know it clap your hands
• Sitting in my high chair high chair high chair = Momma's little baby loves shortening, shortening
• Trot Trot to Gymboree Trot Trot to Gym = Trot Trot to Boston. Trot Trot to Lynn
• G-Y-M-B-O = B-I-N-G-O
• Fly, Fly, Fly your plane = Row, Row, Row your boat
• Everbody Find a Lap = London Bridge is Falling Down

When Will I Grow Up

I was watching American Idol last night and they had some dude who was about to audition but left because his wife's water broke. So they had the baby and he auditioned the next day. The wife even showed up with the baby, not exactly what I would have done but it was South Carolina.

The intriguing thing about this guy is that his name is Oliver Hymen. The 12 year old got the better of me and I started chuckling. I ever rewound the DVR several times to hear Seacrest say his name over and over. In thinking what clever name I would give his daughter, Cherry beat out Rosie and Chastity. I also stupidly laughed when they showed the Air Force pilot in the cockpit. Other words that give me a kick: homeowner and duty.

Boynton Knows The Toddler Mind

That Sandra Boynton knows how to write a book that kids will want their parents to read over and over again. I speak from experience as I have read Snuggle Puppy and It's Pajama Time over 200 times each. That is without any exaggeration. There is now no other book in the world that I have read more times that It's Pajama Time. Only Ten Little Ladybugs comes close.

As Jake's interest in these types of books increased, our expenditure for these also have. Now we have the complete library, including two copies of But Not The Hippopotamus. Of these, Doggies, Moo, Baa, La, La, La and Horns to Toes are writings that I can repeatedly read without getting completely crazy.

The pictures are cute with the little animals having unique expressions. The stories are fun and light hearted. Some of the books are educational while others are upbeat and show compassion. Sandra Boynton gets my lowest rating ever of 9 thumbs up out of ten.

Gross Act of Kindness

When I think back to some of the disgusting things I have done in my life, surprisingly, not too many things pop up. I suppose I am pretty pompous. True, I was a janitor as Disneyland for four summers. On one occassion I did pick up a cheeseburger that had been thrown away, put it in my pocket and ate it later. But, it was on the top of the heap, was completely wrapped up in it's McDonald's wrapping, and had not bite marks or larva on it. The image of George Constanza eating the donut comes to mind.

Recently, I did do something one could construe as being gross. I see it as an act of kindness. My son, Baby Jake (who shortly will be little Jake), had a bad cold. He kept having boogers flushing out of his nose. Wanting to clear his nasal passage, I took the aspirator and sucked out all that was avaiable. He did not take too kindly to this and any sane person would take exception if someone tried to insert a large plastic bubble in their nostril.

To prevent this from happening again, I put my mouth over his nose and sucked. The mucus came into my mouth and I immediately spit it into a napkin and washed out my mouth. Gross? It is hard to argue otherwise. However, it is also a noble act as Jake was most appreciative.