Oprah Winfrey - The Worst Judge of Talent

I am okay with Oprah. My wife loves watching her so I pick-up an episode here and there. She does have a knack of showing interesting topics or can provide a decent in-depth interviews with celebrities. However, she has got to be the worst judge of talent ever. Examples:

• Dr. Oz - This dork wears his scrubs on the show all of the time. There is no way he can be an expert is all facets of the medical profession.
  
• Dr. Phil - The Texan loudmouth who berates his patients to get his point across. Only lonely middle aged women in rural areas can really believe this guy is for real.
  
• Charice Pempengco - The karoake singer who Oprah dubbed "The Most Talented Girl In the World". There was a seven year old last year who performed surgery. I would vote for that kid as the most talented in the world.
  
• Nate Berkus - He puts a sconce on a wall and he is automatically a genious.
  

Tonight she had a bunch of kids who were semi-hacks with identifying world flags or could do somersaults. There was one obnoxious kid who was going to be a preacher. Oprah - get Simon Cowell to book your guests. He will at least filter the fluff and not try to manipulate the audience with emotional propaganda.

Quit Humping Gymbo

I haven't written any blogs in a while. A lot of stuff has happened - A new president, the stock market has been cut by 40%, my son turned two. But is seems that no one comes to my site to read about my witty takes on life. All they use me for is my insight into Gymboree. If that is what my public wants, that is what I will give them.

So what's up with the little red haired kid trying to make out with Gymbo when Ms. Amy brings him out at the end for the "I have a little friend and Gymbo is his name-o" song. I think he clings on so we can't see the dorky little dinosaur on the front of his overalls. Guess what kid, we know your mom dresses you like a tool and it isn't your fault. My son walks up to Gymbo with curiosity and then says, "All Done" and walks away from the clown.

Best Anti-Bush Songs

Our country was founded on the media questioning authority. Thomas Paine and his publication "Common Sense" help to gain public support for a government free of the British. Today we have our own set of Thomas Paine's in the rock world. They sing about their woes about Bush, and I am not talking about the lame band from Gavin Rossdale (wokka wokka wokka). So in honor of America, here are the three best Anti-George Bush songs that I can think of at the moment:

3. American Idiot Greenday - Very catchy song. A lot of hooks and a cool guitar intro. The song speaks the truth about a redneck agenda and how Bush has created a nation in fear that allows him to do the weird crap he is doing around the globe to smear our country (Iraq, Abu Ghraib, Guatanamo Bay)
2. Megalomaniac Incubus - No hidden message in this one. Bush is an ass who is no Jesus or Elvis. The song points out that Bush is not the appointed one by God to rescue our country in preparation of the rapture. I like how they mention they would like to have a scissor fight in the pricinpal's office with George.
1. Intervention Arcade Fire - More of an anti Iraq song but I am too lazy to think of a third. The song references how the president is sending soldier to war to die for Bush's religious war. The haunting lyrics are sung " I care not if you kneel" and "working for the church while your family dies" drive home that point. This song gets number one ranking because it is actually the best song from one of the best bands in recent memory. Buy Neon Bible if you haven't already

Charice Pempengco, Why does oprah care?

My wife likes to watch Oprah. I sometimes listen in to what is going on because I like to keep in touch with my what she is in to. So, Oprah has this girl on Charice Pempengco, this Filipina singer who sounds like a rock star from the karaoke circuit.

I cannot see why Oprah would dedicate a whole show to this minimal talent hack. Somehow this poor little girl from a shack in a ghetto is able to upload her lame performance of Whitney Houston's 'I Got Nothing' on YouTube and learn to speak perfect English. Did she learn this while she was letting her dad kick beat up her mom? The love fest continued for an hour as everyone kept gushing about Charice and how much she overcame and all the good things in the future with her vocal ability.

I haven't been this irate since America kept voted for the leprechaun David Archuleta. Perhaps I can see how some fifty year old ladies would think she has talent and is going to take over mainstream radio. But anyone who appreciates music will see Charice as a glorified, little talent nice story but please keep her in perspective. She cannot write music, has the depth of a puddle, and does little to inspire.

Escaping Lifetime Child Center

I had an interesting experience yesterday at Lifetime. We were visiting as my in-laws joined up. Since I hadn't left Jake in the day care center before and knew he was a bit clingy, I thought it would be good to let him play there while I watched him from a distance.

I started to walk away while Jake played with the Little People farm. See me walking away, he darted towards me. I knelt down and told him that "Daddy was going to walk away" and for him to be a big boy and play with the farm. The employee asked if she wanted me to hold him so that I could escape the play area.

Of course, I refused but it made me wonder what kind of parent would be okay with that. "Please body slam my child so I can get some chiseled abs". Unfortunately, it sounds like it must be a frequent enough request that it even be proposed.

Live in the Now

Walking through the greeting card aisle of Walgreen's, I see so may greeting cards that are Napoleon Dynamite themed. Are people still buying this crap. I saw the move five years ago. It was amusing but I am not still quoting the lines from the film or wearing "Vote For Pedro" t-shirts.

I'll be willing to bet that the same people who still dig on the Napoleon are the same people who still wear the yellow LiveStrong bracelets and think Ashton Kutcher is cool.

Cool Dad At Lifetime Fitness Pool

I am the cool dad at the Lifetime Fitness Pool. No, I am not the guy with the chisselled pecs who could make the cover of Men's Fitness. Those are the uncool dads who dump their kids in the germ factory day care facility while they do squat thrusts for two hours. I am cool because I am actually aware of my son and try to make the occassion enjoyable for both of us.

To make the time at the pool fun for a two year old, I bring pool toys - balls, watering cans, cups, squirt toys. Jake gets a kick out of filling up a bucket with the cups and having the water splash as he throws the ball. What his dad doesn't care for is all of the absent minded or indifferent parents who allow their kids to pick up Jake's toys and walk over the entire opposite side of the pool. What is wrong with you people?!! If it is a choice between Jake being happy or your obnoxious kid not throwing a pissy fit, you had better believe that I am going to snatch his toys back.

US Magazine Patronizing

I thought my life could use a little bit of fluff, so I started a subscription to US magazine. I enjoy selecting which actress wore a particular dress the best and reading the sarcastic comments losers from Project Runway have to say about Maggie Gyllenthal's dress.

The part of the magazine I find the most patronizing is the "Just Like Us!" section. Here the reader can see all of the similarities they share with the reader. For example:

• They eat popcorn as the movies
  
• They wipe their ass
• They enjoy lunch
  
• They walk

In this week's installment, I find out another similarity I share with celebrities. They, like me, get overheated!!! I can't believe they actually have a central cooling system within their bodies. They actually perspire when the temperature rises above 100 and need enjoy cool air circulating. I feel quite a bond to Antonio Banderas now.

Ralph Nader: The Saboteur

I went to an outdoor concert last night and sat outside the entrance awaiting the arrival of my friends. Some dope with a Fruit Loops shirt approaches me and asks if I will sign a petition to get a third party candidate on the ballot. I am all for the Democratic process and support the little man, so I agreed. When I asked who the candidate was, he replied Ralph Nader.

To this I told him that I would not be able to sign his petition since Nader was the idiot who took over 97,000 in Florida in 2000. Had this glory hungry punk who never stood a chance, not run, Gore would be the recipient who would have received the majority of these votes. With Nader out of the picture, Gore would have won Florida and the American presidency, period!!! We would not be overseen by the current boys club in the Oval Office.

When I explained to Fruit Loop that I would not be able to and gave the reasons above, he stated that it was really Jeb Bush's fault and throwing out the votes of the black voters. I resisted but he kept coming back with how it didn't matter anyway because Obama would take Illinois (where I live) easily. This is true but why then did this guy give such a crap. The was the same mindset doobie smoking Eddie Vedder fans thought in 2000 Florida.

I ended up signing because I didn't want to put up a fight and wanted to just enjoy Willie Nelson. In the end, isn't that what every one wants? The answer is no.

Words Used Unnecessarily

I did a blog a bit about about "ending sentences with so", which is a bit annoying. By listening to others, I have found some more terms that are equally bothersome when used in sentences:

• Obviously - People seem to toss this in when the subject matter is not obvious. For example, "I like the shoes, so obviously I bought three pairs." Why is it obvious that you would buy three pairs. If you liked them, then I would think you would buy one pair
• You Know - This is very similar to obviously. "I hate my mom 'you know'." How would I know that. She gave you life and sacrificed a lot for you. My mom is cool.
• Honestly - People throw this in thinking you are talking bullshit to them all of the time. "Honestly what do you think about her." Are people's friends and family really that deceiving that you have to preface a request for an opinion by asking "Honestly"?

There you have it. So obviously if you run into a tall screwy haired looking dude tell him honestly is he that neurotic, you know.

Christian Tee Shirts Hypocritical

From my observation, born again Christians really find it difficult to obey copyright protection laws. The most recent example I have seen was when I was recently at Disneyland. There was a dork behind me with a shirt that initially I thought was for Staples, the office superstore where you can find all of your supplies for home and work under one roof. In reality, it was for "Jesus" with the subtext "It's just that easy".

I have seen similar ones to this before. The most popular seems to be a rip off of the milk advisory's slogan "Got Milk" which is replaced with "Got Jesus. The intent of the shirt is questionable. Is the thumper asking for people to volunteer their answer to them. If so, I am sure more people who will approach him or her will be a yes. Most athiests and non-Christians will probably abstain from answering since they are in the 15% minority within the U.S.

Some other notable examples are here to the right. Ripping off Mt. Dew, Hershey's, Orange Crush, and the Steven Spielberg, Michael Crighton classic. I always found preachy people and those who products free of charge to be dopes. Combine the two and you have a whole new level of geekdom.

You would think that if you are going to be a walking billboard for a faith, that you would first read the religions rules. When geek boy in the line for Pinocchio's Daring Journey was wearing his Staples/Jesus T-Shirt, he should have realized that he was violating two of his religions 10 sacred commandments:
3. Thou shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God - I highly doubt that God would say to his believers, "You know how I would really like my name to be spread across the land, let's take the logo from a 1993 dinosaur movie and slap my son's picture on there".
8. Thou shall not steal - I also doubt that Joyce Meyers or Joel Osteen established an agreement with the good people at PepsiCo to have their message tacked on a Mt. Dew or Orange Crush tee, making this a violation of copyright.

So please, if you are going to be preachy, don't be a hypocrite or more importantly, don't be plain stupid.

Is David Archuleta A Good Singer

We are mere hours before David Archuleta gets crowned 2008 American Idol. I still don't get it but I accept it. To me he is like Queen Latifah or Andie McDowell. People tell me they are beautiful. I really have no attraction to either one of them. Queen Latifah weigths two Kelly Picklers and Andie McDowell has funky teeth. Yet, there they are on Maybelliene commercials selling cheap make-up to millions of women. I could name artists too - Picasso, Andy Warhol, Jackson Pollack - do you think someone is going to look back in 200 years and say, "Damn look at that splattered crap". My son could do that much better and incorporate Cheerios and carrots.

It is the same with "Archu". I don't think he can sing or at least he can sing but I hate his town. Real singers had powerful voices like Elvis, Roger Daltry, or Sammy Hagar. They are not whinny wusses like Archu or John Mayer. But American seems to be keen on the little Utah kid. So, rather than fight the tide, I surrender.

The Cure Rocks Chicago

Saturday night I had a chance to see a band that had been part of my life for the past twenty plus years, The Cure. The British alternative band that most people only equate to "Lovesong" and "Friday, I'm in Love". The show was worth the wait.

The show opened up with the quartet powering into anthems that were less known but still held the audience captivated. During the less familiar songs, I closed my eyes and my junior high and high school days flashed back to me. There were individuals I hadn't thought of in almost 20 years whose faces or voices reappeared. Thoughs of joy and ackwardness resurfaces and awoke me to how you never tell how small little things when you are younger will guide you to where you will be later in life.

My only hope was that they would play one of my top five songs of all time "Pictures of You". Within the first 45 minutes the song unfolded and poured over me like a refreshing winter snow dusting. The only negative thought that crossed my mind was that how could it get any better from here. Fortunately, the hits (and memories) kept me awestruck - "Hot Hot Hot!!!", "Just like heaven", "Wrong number",

Smith was showing his age in his physical appearance. His appearance remind me of character "Old Deuteronomy" from Cats with makeup like Brandon Lee in Cats after he had been out in the rain. Although continually apologizing continually for his voice, the audience didn't mind, gratiously filling in the vocals when he dropped out.

The auditorium was rumbling after the first encore. Hoping for another, when in reality the set-list contained three. Smith did away with his guitar during "Why Can't I Be You" and displayed some of his signature goofy dance moves which brought on added fever. The final encore brought about the post punk early hits that established the band - "Boys Don't Cry", "Jumping Someone Else's Train", and "Killing An Arab". The arena had minor hysteria and for a second hopes of a fourth encore surfaced. Alas, the lights came up and it was not to be.

Three brilliant hours of music, which equates to about 2.25 Morrissey concerts.

Set :

1 - Plainsong
2 - Prayers for rain
3 - alt.end
4 - A night like this
5 - The walk
6 - The end of the world
7 - Lovesong
8 - Pictures of you
9 - Lullaby
10 - The perfect boy
11 - From the edge......
12 - Hot Hot Hot!!!
13 - Sleep when i'm dead
14 - Push
15 - Friday I'm in love
16 - Inbetween days
17 - Just like heaven
18 - Primary
19 - Never enough
20 - The only one
21 - Wrong number
22 - One hundred years
23 - Disintegration


First encore :
24- If only tonight we could sleep
25 - The kiss


Second encore :
26 - The lovecats
27 - Freak show
28 - Close to me
29 - Why can't I be you?


Third encore :
30 - Boys don't cry
31 - Jumping someone else's train
32 - Grinding halt
33 - 10.15 Saturday night
34 - Killing an Arab

Randumb Thoughts

• Way to go putting the Polar Bears on the Endangered Species List Bush administration
• Poor Chinese people in that earthquake. I can only imagine the devastation. It makes Katrina look not so bad.
• Sure the Cubs haven’t won a World Series in 100 years but what about the Royals. Have they every broken .500?
• Although I don’t care for his singing, that Archuleta seems like a nice kid. I thought it was sweet when he wondered where everyone parked for his homecoming
• Has there been a cuter, funnier boy in existence than my son?
• Gasoline prices are pretty elastic. Even though they are hitting $4.00/gallon, I don’t see anyone changing their habits
• Why is Portuguese supposed to be such a hard language to learn
• I am going to see “The Cure” on Saturday and I am geeked. I was supposed to see them 20 years ago at Dodger Stadium with Love and Rockets but my mom made me perform in the school marching band that night.

Labatomy or Cancer

So there is this thing on my head for the last two years or so. I kept thinking it was a scab that would almost go away and they reappear. My justification that is was reappearing was that I am a wild sleeper and probably scrape against the pillow and reinjure the wound.
Last weekend my wife presuaded me to see the dermatologist who quickly diagnosed it as a malignant tumor. He scratched it off like a sushi chef, told me to put bacitracin on it, and covered it with a band aid. The tumor he put in a jar to have a biopsy performed. Yesterday I got the call that it was a indeed the big "C" and I would have to come back in a few months to see if it returned.
My neighbor looked at my scab from where the tumor had been on my head and says "What did you have, a labotomy." I replied, "No its basal cell carcinoma! (under breath: Prick)". I suppose, this is my punishment for posing the not too congenial question to my family at the Thanksgiving table about what type of cancer they would rather have. Mine was always skin cancer.

David Archuleta - New Theory

After seeing Archuletas gay Neil Diamond performances last night and hearing Randy's rave about the suckfest, I have a new theory. Perhaps I am not on the Truman Show where I am the only one not getting the joke, especially since I seem to be getting a lot of hits with people searching "David Archuleta Sucks". Maybe Archie's dad is paying off Randy and the nation to say good things about the little asthmatic.

I believe this to be true because Cowell now isn't even buying the post nasal drip voiced geeks performance, saying it is amateurish. Maybe Pa Archuleta couldn't afford Cowell anymore and he is saying it straight. We'll see, won't we.

On another topic, someone recently came to this site after searching on "Lifetime Fitness Center Sex Parties". What the hell is that!! I don't like using equipment after someone sweats on it much less leaves other bodily fluids. Let's hope this is just happening in the Phoenix facility. They are a deviant bunch down there.

Two Worlds Collide

My two biggest topics on this blog seem to be about Gymboree and Lifetime Fitness. How strange and inevitable it was to see my two worlds collide on Sunday. There I was in the pool with my 18 month old when we swam by the mushroom shaped thing that drips down water. A mother and her two children were circling it singing "Round and Round the garden goes the little bear. One, two, three, four.. tickle under there". They giggled as they tickled themselves, which seemed a bit ridiculous for four or five years olds doing that crap but each to their own.

The little guy and I just swam around. I held him on the kickboard while he did some surfing. There were a few strange kids who approached me. One was telling me how he could throw the ball better than my son and could show me. I told him to buzz off. I would hope a seven year old could throw the ball better than an infant. The same nudnik showed me how he could walk on his hands. Another little girl was very nice. She offered the noodle floatie thing for my son to use. We swapped the ball for the floatie and it was fine for 10 minute.

We always try to leave the pool five minutes before safety break so we won't have to wait for the shower. My son's dad has his act together.

More Gymboree Songs

Hello, Hello,
Hello and how are you
I'm Fine, I'm Fine
and hope that you two

(Sung to Frere Jacques)
Hello (Name), Hello (Name)
How are you? How are you?
We're glad you came to music
We're glad you came to music
How are you?How are you?

(rubbing tummy)
Round and Round The Circle
Goes the little bear
One, Two, Three, Four
(tickling neck) Tickle under there

(baby sitting on lap, kicking)
I have a little bicycle
I ride it to and fro
And When I see that big green light
I know it's time to go
(kicking faster)
I have a little bicycle
I ride it round the block
And When I see that big red light
I know it's time to stop(stop kicking)

Too Sarcastic for Own Good

Today I had a bit of an eye opening experience. My family, our neighbors, and I went to a local little pub for some dinner. I know that we can be a waitress worst enemy. Our son has allergies so we have to reinforce that there cannot be fish or dairy near his food, we ask for extra plates, napkins, and we ask for lots of bread (otherwise the youngin' gets feisty).

The waitress took us on like she was Roy Jones Jr. "Bring it on, you biatches" was how she responde to each request, and she did so with a smile. At the end of the dinner, I remarked to the other couple, "She was the best waitress I had in 2 years." My other dude responded, "Well I thought she did a good job." To which I had to state that I was being sincere and thought she really was good.

This got me thinking, I am just a sarcastic prick who says things to always imply the opposite. I do say the following:

* "Well this is perfect" when I come across traffic
* "Thanks for fixing me dinner" to my wife when I come home to find take out
* "What a beautiful part of town" when I drive through the ghetto

I have become the annoying sarcastic slacker dude. I don't know why it took the waitress comment for this to click in. Almost everything on this blog is satire. I have been getting better with my passive aggressive ways. Rather than say "that David Archuleta sure can sing" I say "David Archuleta sucks". That is progress, isn't it?

International Gymboree

When I think Gymboree, I think dorky American parents being goofy with their kids. I am pleasantly surprised when I check my blog visitor records and see so many people checking my blog to find out the words to "There are Bubbles in the Air". Recent visitors have come from across the globe: France, Canada, Japan, Indonesia, China, Argentina, Thailand, Switzerland, and Singapore.

It is equally interesting to see that people in Dublin also hate David Archuleta.

Lastly, my son Jake is awesome because he went poop in the potty yesterday. I saw his red face and heard grunting and immediately grabbed him, plopped him on the toilet and the little green and brown bundt cake shaped dookie make a pleasant 'bloop' as it entered the toilet water.

David Archuleta: Please let me in on the Joke

Alright. I concede defeat. I don't get why this cruel joke is being played on me. Sanjaya I can understand. The ten to fourteen year old girls think he is cute and funny. He had silly hair that they loved so they voted for him to have him pass through to the next round. However, the judges demonized him as a crap singer.


Now this kid Archuleta keeps passing through to each round and the judges think he is crazy hot! What is it I am not getting. When I hear him sing, I want to get out my son's aspirator and clear his nose of all that post nasal drip . His easy listening songs are more suitable for a 45 year old than a 17 year old.


The only thing that I can conclude is that I am living in a huge bubble, similar to Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. The whole world is playing a joke on me. Any minute, there will be Ashton Kutcher with his trucker hat fixated sideways on his head running through my door yelling gotcha. I am going to save him and the rest of the world the effort and expense. I give up. Please stop the joke. I don't get it and I don't even know why I would take the energy to write this other than feeling immense confusion. Am I really the only one who feels this way? This is young, poppy American Idol. Not "So You Think You Are A Teenagers With Asthma Who Can Play Adult Contemporary".

Old Man Shlong at Lifetime Fitness

5:00 Lifetime Fitness. The place is pretty packed for a Wednesday morning and overall, I was happy with the experience. I am jealous that my Lifetime is only a platinum gym whereas the one opening up in Vernon Hills is Onyx. But, I am happy to learn new precious gems.

The music was hot, if this was 1996. The cool 90s songs including Bush - "Come Down" and the Gin Blossoms "Hear It From You". They actually played a somewhat new song - "Clumsy by Fergie". The Temptations "My Girl" was busted out. What amused me about this is how unpolished they were for their dance moves.

After my workout, I hit the shower. My routine is get undress quickly and jump in the shower. I then dry off and get dresses. This is a process one would think would be how most people going to the gym before work. For some reason when I exit the shower there is an old chubby guy chilling in his birthday suit talking to another old naked guy. Never in my life would I want to have a naked penis conversation with my friend, but apparently old guys are okay with it. At least I have motivation to keep my weight off. Otherwise, I would tubby up and not be able to keep the towel around my waist.

18 Month Words

My little boy Jake will be turning 18 months in two weeks. Does he recite Shakespeare, no? Can he say some stuff, hell yeah! Because he has mad smarts, you. What words does baby Jake say, you ask. Well here they are:

1. Baby
2. Bee
3. Turtle
4. Moo (cow)
5. Baa (sheep)Maa (goat)
6. Bloop Bloop (fish)
7. Hee Haw (donkey)
8. Boo (ghost)
9. Shoes
10. Tree
11. Truck
12. Daddy
13. Hi
14. Mama
15. Nana
16. Papa
17. BaBa (his uncle)
18. Book
19. This
20. That
21. Pee

They Got Me With Fake Review

My blood began to boil yesterday as I was driving home listening to NPR. They gave a glowing review of someone named Simon Fuegel's lastest composition with some song called 'B-Flat'. The critic stated how he had been mesmerized listening to the song in recent days. They then played the track which started out with a trombone playing the whole note b-flat. You know the one between A and B, sometimes known as A sharp. The song progressed with additional solo instruments playing the same note.
I kept thinking this was a bunch of pretentious crap. The final instrument was a synthesizer. The critic spoke about the commentary this gave about our times - Progress, technology, and fabrication. At this point, I wanted my contribution back. I could not believe I was paying money for this hooey or there had to be a 'gotcha' at the end. When I got back home I told my wife about how ridiculous this was and how my 17 month old son could already write better music.
This morning I found it was all an April Fool's Day joke. They got me and thank heavens or else I would have had to switch to Limbaugh. Here is the link to the full bogus story.

Wheel on the Bus At Gymboree

A strange occurence took place at Gymboree this weekend. Shortly after bubble time, it was lap time. Our usual instructor, Amy, had the day off so Julie took over. We started with the Noble Duke of York and then started The Wheels on the Bus. I couldn't believe my ears!!!

We sang: "The Wheels on the Bus go round and round all around the town". I said to the dad next to me, I can't believe they are not going "round and round here at Gymboree". His response was, "She must have not gotten the memo".

Jake only has four more weeks of his Saturday Level 4 class and then that is it for me. My wife is going to take him to art class on Thursdays and I am going to take him to the pool over the summer!!

Enough With David Archuleta

I never quite got David Archuleta and why the judges/voters on American Idol kept persisting he was fantastic. The little 17 year old dork with the horsey voice and the aw-shucks attitude just rubbed me the wrong way. He seemed nice enough but I couldn't figure out why the judges, especially Simon projected him to win the entire competition shortly after Hollywood week. Week after week of horrible adult contemporary songs like Another Day in Paradise, Imagine, one of the bad Beatle songs kept getting me fired up. What was wrong with me that I am the only one that can see this guy sucks.

At last a chink in the armor last night. After his performance of what to me sounded like some Christian Rock song (Oo ooh-ooh-ooh) my wife looked and me and told he she wasn't into it. Randy still had the myopia and said that it was a hot one. Paula mummbled some non sense about what she loved about David was that he stayed true to who he was. At last Simon broke him down and said that it sounded like a theme park performance where he could imagine animated creatures around him. Yes! Vindication!!

Finally, I can rest assured that I am not the crazy one. Sorry David. I wish you well on your cameo in the next High School Musical film, but hope your time on American Idol comes to an end shortly.

Lifetime Fitness - Oy Vey

Yesterday was Easter and my wife, son, and I were going to go to Lifetime Fitness to do some exercise. This is a big step, especially since this is the first time my wife was going to let him be in the hands of people we have never met before. We are aware of the holiday so we call ahead of time because initially, we wanted to go in the pool. Here is a transcript of my phone call to Lifetime to see if the pool is open.

Guy: "Lifetime Fitness"
Me: "Hi. I was calling to see if you have family swim today"
Guy: "I am sorry we don't because of the holiday"
Me: "Oh. Well is the child center open today?"
Guy: "It is. Let me see. Oh! It opens at 9:00"
Me: "Great. Thank you. Bye"

So, we make our way out there, pack the big diaper bag. Put my son in his jacket, which he hates. We drive 10 minutes to the health club, unbuckle him and sift through the half dozen bags we brought to find the membership card. We walk in, go down the long hall, and see that the child center lights are off.

I walk up to the guy at the membership desk, Jeff, and I say to him, "Jeff. Why did you tell me the child center was open. This is a big inconvenience?" Jeff replies that he is sorry and I go to speak with the front desk supervisor and tell her she needs to communicate changes in schedules to her staff. After tap dancing for two minutes she finally apologizes but it really just soured my mood.

I did end up going later on and they played the same songs they always seem to play - "Oh, Pretty Woman", "Californication" , some Ashley Simpson song where she acts like a femmebot, and James Blunt's "You're Beautiful". I watched some of the tournament on the TV, which, by the way, if I am paying $125/month and you aren't going to give each treadmill a personal TV, can't you at least afford HD?

Gymboree Songs

So Gymboree seems to be popular by my viewing public. So, here are some song lyrics to some of the top hits at yours and my favorite children's place. Not that my son is coming close to 18 months and the weather is getting warmer, we are going to take a break from old Gymbo. I'll try to put up more songs as I remember them.

Bubbles In The Air (sung to If You're Happy And You Know It)
There are bubbles in the air, in the air
There are bubbles in the air, in the air
There are bubbles in the air
There are bubbles everywhere
There are bubbles in the air, in the air

There are bubbles way up high, way up high
There are bubbles way up high, way up high
There are bubbles way up high
There are bubbles in the sky
There are bubbles way up high, way up high

There are bubbles way down low, down low
There are bubbles way down low, down low
There are bubbles way down low
There are bubbles on your toes
There are bubbles way down low, down low


Gymbo Dance(sung to Wheels On the Bus)
Gymbo The Clown Goes Up and Down
Up and Down, Up and Down
Gymbo The Clown Goes Up and Down
Here at Gymboree

Gymbo The Clown Goes Side to Side
Side to Side, Side to Side
Gymbo The Clown Goes Side to Side
Here at Gymboree

Gymbo The Clown Goes a-boogie oogie oogie
boogie oogie oogie, boogie oogie oogie
Gymbo The Clown Goes boogie oogie oogie
Here at Gymboree

Come Under My Umbrella (sung to Did You Ever See a Lassie?)
Come Under My Umbrella,
Umbrella, Umbrella
Come Under My Umbrella,
It's going to Storm

There's Thunder and Lightning
and wind and rain
Come Under My Umbrella,
It's going to Storm

This one bugs me because it doesn't rhyme but I dig the parachute(umbrella) so I let it slide

Checking Out Lifetime Fitness Pool

I have been taking my 16 month old son to the pool the last two weeks at Lifetime and we have a pretty good time for about 45 minutes. He plays with the bubbling springs that pop-up, spins the rings on the partition between the waterslide area and main pool, and pours the water from his cups that we bring along.

Jake is both fascinated and fearful of the mushroom fountain in the middle of the pool. He craws my face when we get close but when I back away, he points to it like he wants to stick his hand through the wall of water.

Our other favorite activity is to avoid the unsupervised kids who rough house in the pool like they are part of the WWE Smackdown. I tell those little jerky kids to screw off and leave me and my boy alone.

The real fun begins in the family changing area. I try to not drop Jake on the tile flooring while he squirms as I try to give him a shower. The area is reserved for people with opposite gender children but I don't really care. I am not taking Jake into the men's locker room where hairy old men don't mind being naked and taking 30 minutes to get dressed. In my most recent visit, there was a 70 year old wearing a translucent skin tight speedo. Jake's eyes are already burning. I don't need him to be exposed anymore to strange dudes.

Sitting in My High Chair

A lot of people have been entering this website trying to find the lyrics to the Gymboree hit "Sitting in My High Chair". Here are the coveted lyrics (sung to the tune of Short'nin' Bread)

Sitting In My High Chair
High Chair, My Chair
Sitting In My High Chair
Banging My Spoon

Bring on the Carrots
Bring on the Peas
Somebody Feed This
Baby Please

Sitting In My High Chair
High Chair, My Chair
Sitting In My High Chair
Banging My Spoon

Bring on the Jelly
Bring on the Bread
Somebody Get This
Baby Fed

Baby Food Allergies

After violently puking after eating fish recently, my wife took our baby to the allergist to see if he was in fact allergic to fish. While he was at it, the doc also tested for milk allergies, since he had trouble with that in the past as well.

The results are positive, which is a bad thing. I think that Michael Scott on The Office is right on about how the medical positive/negative verbiage is counterintuitive. My little boy got pricked on the back multiple times see if a bump appeared, which it did for all different fish types and dairy. So, he will be off the moo juice and Nemos until at least age three, when we can test again.

My wife took him to the doctor and I didn't see where he was injected until I gave him a bath that night and saw eight little scabs on his back. They were aligned so symmetrically that it looked like he was recently removed from The Matrix.

We also have to carry an EpiPen to inject if he experiences any type of allergies. He is still the same happy little boy and we'll just have to be a bit more cautious. We are counting our blessings.

Movies Without Endings

I really miss the days when movies had endings. The movie starts and then stuff starts to happen. Something questionable happens and you become unsure of how the movie is going to end. Then, BAM! The guy gets the girl, the bad guy gets killed, and you leave the theater with a sense of satisfaction.

Directors and screenwriters now believe that they are edgy because they have an open ending for their movie. There is no semblance of completion. For Example, my wife and I got a baby sitter to go see Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood. The final scene involves two individuals who had been in conflict the whole film. There is an altercation and then credits. I don't get the satisfaction of knowing if the guy gets incarcerated, killed, attacked by a cackle of crows. It just seems like they could have put an extra 10 minutes in there to tidy up the ending but just said "Screw It".

The same is true for No Country For Old Men. Javier Bardem kills a crap load of people and Tommy Lee Jones has no clue. He just rambles some parable about a dream he had and then hit the credits. Other recent films that have this same phenomenon are Once and Half Nelson.

If you are going to cut a movie short without an ending, do what was done in Animal House or the Van Halen Hot For Teacher video. At the conclusion of these timeless classics you get to see who goes on to be a senator/rock star/beach bum/etc. At the end of Hot For Teacher, we learn that:

• Alex went on to become Dr. Van Halen, Gynecologist, Los Angeles, CA.
• Anthony is currently a champion sum wrestler in Tokyo, Japan
• Edward Van Halen is temporarily 'relaxing' in Bellevue mental ware and making progress
• David Lee Roth went to Hollywood and became America's Favorite TV game show
  

This is the level of follow through I would expect from Paul Thomas Anderson and the Coen brothers.

"Life of Pi" or "Life of Lie"

Whether you recently read the book Life of Pi or you have a book club meeting to discuss the book and need to cheat, here is the expert words of wisdom that you put a lot of stock. Who better to seek counsel than some random bloke you found on the internet. Well here are my thoughts.

The first 80-100 pages, I kept thinking "get on with it already". I didn't really care about this kid with the weird name who kept on adopting religions like Angelina adopts third world kids. When are you going to get on the boat with the tiger like the cover shows. Very interesting about the hippo and the goat and the three toed sloth, but why are you a best seller.

Then the good stuff starts to happen. I found Pi to be very sympathetic. His innocence and good nature draw the reader in and become invested that he does reach land. Of course, we know that he does because there is foreshadowing to tell us of his successful rescue. The whole story about Richard Parker, the orangutan, the hyena, all become real and we as readers have little do doubt about Pi's story.

I found the third section to be the most thought provoking and Martell does a great job of bringing everything together. The business men question his story, which also forces me to second guess what I had come to believe. What it all comes down to is Pascal's Wager, which states that it is a better "bet" to believe that God exists than not to believe, because the expected value of believing is always greater than the expected value of not believing.

We are better off believe Pi's story, since the expected value of overcoming significant obstacles, remaining optimistic, and befriending that which is a known enemy is much greater than believing he wandered the Pacific with some ruffians for seven months.

Dying too Soon

There is a guy at my work who I know lost his child last year. I just look at him and it breaks my heart. I saw him in a meeting one day and on his wrist he had a cross with the date of February 2006 RIP inscribed. When I walked past his cube a few days after, I saw pictures of his daughter who no doubt is the little one that he lost. She couldn't have been more than 18 months old. I didn't ask what happened and probably never will but I do go out of my way to be extra nice to the guy since I know I would be torn apart if that sort of thing happened.

I am good about not intruding into what happened and do my best to stay strong when I see him. I don't tend to be the mushy type but cracked yesterday driving into work. Stupid Kenny Chesney has to come on the air with "Who'd You Be Today". The song comes on the air and by the chorus, I am done with water swelling in my eyes. The lyrics go:

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

So, you win this round Kenny. And to those who have lost someone too soon, beware that I may give you a hug now that I am a dad and couldn't imagine a worse thing happening.

Fatherhood Wisdom From Vanilla Ice

When I am trying to put a diaper on my son after he has come out of the bath, starts getting wild, or dropping food from his high chair, I find myself quoting lyrics to the song "Ice, Ice Baby". My mouth opens up and I state "Stop, Collaborate, and Listen". What makes it even bizarre is when my wife calls up while changing Jake and I can't resist saying "Word to your mother". Thanks Robert Van Winkle.

Gymboree Song Translation

Great news. My son is a genius. The folks at Gymboree called and asked if he wanted to move up to the level 4 class. He is only 15 months and they want to skip a grade and go to the level that starts at 16 months. It may have something to do with the fact that if you ask him what a sheep says, he says "ba".

Gymboree's songs are fun but they change the lyrics so you think the song is specific to the facility. I have cracked the code and am sharing the translation with all:

• Gymbo the clown goes up and down = Wheels on the bus go round and round
• Hello Jake. Hello Jake. How are you? How are you? = Frere Jacques or Are you Sleeping or Where is Thumbkin
• There are bubbles in the air in the air = If you're happy and you know it clap your hands
• Sitting in my high chair high chair high chair = Momma's little baby loves shortening, shortening
• Trot Trot to Gymboree Trot Trot to Gym = Trot Trot to Boston. Trot Trot to Lynn
• G-Y-M-B-O = B-I-N-G-O
• Fly, Fly, Fly your plane = Row, Row, Row your boat
• Everbody Find a Lap = London Bridge is Falling Down

When Will I Grow Up

I was watching American Idol last night and they had some dude who was about to audition but left because his wife's water broke. So they had the baby and he auditioned the next day. The wife even showed up with the baby, not exactly what I would have done but it was South Carolina.

The intriguing thing about this guy is that his name is Oliver Hymen. The 12 year old got the better of me and I started chuckling. I ever rewound the DVR several times to hear Seacrest say his name over and over. In thinking what clever name I would give his daughter, Cherry beat out Rosie and Chastity. I also stupidly laughed when they showed the Air Force pilot in the cockpit. Other words that give me a kick: homeowner and duty.

Jesus Seemed Cool - Why Aren't Born Agains?

I tend to avoid occassions where I encounter some self righteous conservative evangelicals. Don't get me wrong. There are many born agains who are nice, aren't "preachy", and are accepting towards people different from them. But the few nut jobs really spoil the bunch with their handing out of pamphlets, telling you that you aren't going to heaven, believing that their way of conducting themselves is the only purpose driven life" Apparently, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, and Albert Einstein didn't have any purpose because they were Catholic or non-Christian?

This is what I know about Jesus. He drank wine (even turning water into wine). He was friends with prostitutes, social outcasts, and homeless. He didn't piss and moan about gays, fictitious wizards, or how science is evil. I don't think Jesus hated Jews either, primarily because he was one. He was a uniter not a divider.

So to you - the minority of Christians who are tarnishing Jesus's name, ask yourself this question - WWJD?

Ending Sentences With So

There are some repeated aspects of American slang that really make my crawl skin. There are the ones that have persisted such as using "like" multiple times in a sentence (not as a similie or expressing preference), ending a sentence with "at" unneccessarily (such as "Where are you at?"), and including "you know" without waiting for someone to acknowledge that they in fact know what the other person is speaking about.

The recent addition to this list is ending a sentence with "So....". Some people just don't seem to know how to end a thought. Now they have a clever escape mechanism, which is to just say "so" and lift their hand in the air. For example:

Person1: Did you go see that movie I told you about?
Person2: You know, I was like thinking about it and then Angelo called asking me where I was at. I told him and he was like why don't you come watch the game. So...

I beg you people, can we just end add "there you go" so it is a complete sentence.

LifeTime Fitness Sucks: Return of the Lame

Now that I have ended my cycle of contracting contagious diseases has come to an end, I am back to work out. And working out means another visit to Lifetime Fitness. And another visit to Lifetime Fitness means another opportunity to scrutinze the horrendous music videos they play. Here are the chart toping hits played in the club this morning:

• NLT That Girl - The treadmill was too loud to hear these pre-pubescend dorks but I could tell it was junk.
• Asley Simpson - Invisible - I didn't hear this song either but the video shows Ashley getting knocked out by some she-male with a mullet. The nose job does look good.
• Roy Orbison Oh Pretty Woman - I like this song but c'mon.
• Smashmouth Allstar - A LTF favorite. I enjoy the clips from the Ben Stiller bust Mystery Men.
• Carrie Underwood Jesus Take The Wheel - There is nothing like a country ballad about Christ as a designated driver to get me pumped.
• Tiffany I Think We're Alone Now - This one gave me flashbacks to middle school dances when I folded over and rolled up my jeans he middle and wore creepers.
• James Blunt Beautiful - No need to comment on this one
• Jackson 5 I want You Back - Turn the clock back 35 years and this would be an appropriate song choice.

Lifetime should just play the top 40 on XM and everyone would be satisfied. Oh wait, then they wouldn't be able to squeeze out that extra hundred bucks a month by playing those jeep commercials and ads for the local plastic surgeon.

Lame Liberal Boycotts

I am staunch supporter of protests. I'll honk when I see union people striking. I' burned an effigy of Mel Gibson in the town hall after his anti-semitic tirade.

I usually take the passive aggressive approach myself in the form of boycotts. Some companies I am currently boycotting are Cracker Barrel for ruining my Vegas trip, Jiffy Lube for having ex con pull their flim flam and charge you 50 bucks for an oil change, and any thing with Rachel Ray because she annoys me.

Reminiscing on my boycott history I recall some of the crazy products my old hippie friends in college advised me to stop using. Snapple, I was told, I shouldn't use because the company was "anti abortion". Guess what, I am anti abortion too but I am still pro choice. Other than one dreadlocked dude giving me this information I didn't have anything to validate this with.

For the experience, I went to a Grateful Dead concert in 1994. While walking through the parking lot, I had a longneck of Budweiser. People looked at me as if I were in a SS soldiers uniform. One tie dye wearing sole told me that Budweiser gave money to the DEA. That's great!!! Why do I want more crack, heroin, and cocaine in this country.?

Do I have a point, not really. Just that you shouldn't protest because you hear one filthy person's perspective. Just this week, I received an email with a fabricated story about Barrack Obama was a closet Muslim radical who is going to blow up the world. Please check multiple sources before you believe anything. I should know, my lineage is of royalty.

Edmund Hillary: First White Man to Climb Everest

Sir Edmund Hillary has passes away today. I didn't know the man but he seemed like a good bloke. I look with skeptism on the claim that he was the first man to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest. To me this is similar to saying that Christopher Columbus discovered America. How could you be the first one if there were already people there.

The sherpas in Nepal are good buddists, humble and all. They probably didn't want to hurt Hillary's pride that they had been up there and back a couple times, realized it is just a frozen mess with little oxygen and made their way back down. "Let the silly white man have his props". Little did they know two months later he would be knighted known for the next 55 years as Sir Ed. Very little is spoken about Sherpa Tenzing Norgay who accompanied Hillary during the trek and made it to the peak with Sir Ed.

Rest in Peace Edmund Hillary. You carved a path for other hippies to risk their life doing stupid crap and having the locals laugh at them. Your legacy will not be forgotten

Boynton Knows The Toddler Mind

That Sandra Boynton knows how to write a book that kids will want their parents to read over and over again. I speak from experience as I have read Snuggle Puppy and It's Pajama Time over 200 times each. That is without any exaggeration. There is now no other book in the world that I have read more times that It's Pajama Time. Only Ten Little Ladybugs comes close.

As Jake's interest in these types of books increased, our expenditure for these also have. Now we have the complete library, including two copies of But Not The Hippopotamus. Of these, Doggies, Moo, Baa, La, La, La and Horns to Toes are writings that I can repeatedly read without getting completely crazy.

The pictures are cute with the little animals having unique expressions. The stories are fun and light hearted. Some of the books are educational while others are upbeat and show compassion. Sandra Boynton gets my lowest rating ever of 9 thumbs up out of ten.

Political Endorsements

Historically, politicians sought endorsements from large blocks of constituents, like the teamsters, law enforcement, or teacher's union. In modern elections, elected officials seek and use celebrities to show the public that they are in the cool crowd and to assist in campaign contributions. The recent trend has been to have also have an evangelical leader show their support. The 2008 election has its share of Hollywood people who read other people's lines and religious zealots to lend their hand to help their candidates.

Mike Huckabee - My nemesis has shown his hipness by shilling Chuck Norris on the campaign trail. I am not sure what credibility the bearded weirdo can contribute. All I know of Chuck is that he did some kung fu movies and cast the deciding vote to allow Average Joe's to compete in the movie Dodgeball.

Barak Obama - Obama has the ultimate in celebrity endorsements, Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is on the trail and can use her large caucus of viewers, readers, and dieters to put Mr. Obama over the top.

Hillary Clinton - Mrs. Clinton has garnered Barbra Streisand. No big surprise here.

Rudy Guiliani - Rudy has Pat Robertson helping him out. This is big for Rudy since other Republicans think he is a unscrupulous schmuck for divorcing and marrying his lover. For some reason God has used Pat Robertson as his vehicle to speak to America. Last week Pat (from God, of course) indicated that we are headed to a Recession and world wide violence.

John Edwards - Tim Robbins is on board. Kevin Bacon is too.

Ron Paul - No one has spoken out vocally, but I think that the kook Howie Mandel is a fan.

Cracker Barrel Sucks

I left the dreary winter days of Chicago to enjoy the new year in sunny Scottsdale. I met up with some family and it was nice. On Jan 1, we (the Mrs., Baby Jake, my mother-in-law, and father-in-law) drove on up to Las Vegas. Some of these road side places are sketchy so we decided to stop and the Kingman, AZ Cracker Barrel.

The woman who worked there seemed the the XX chromosome equivalent of Forrest Gump. When asked if she could give us some toasted sour dough bread, she replied "I'll Try". What kind of response is that? If I worked for Boeing and United asked me to make a plane that wouldn't blow up, I don't think they would take to kindly to "I'll try". Either you can or you can't, that is it.

So our mulleted sloth waitress brings me my food and I inhale the macaroni and cheese, carrots, and chicken so that I can watch the baby while my wife eats. Two hours later my stomach starts to ache. When we get to the hotel, I start to feel violently ill. My stomach hasn't felt this bad since some Turks poisoned my food in Istanbul. For a straight ten minutes, I was spewing my guts watching my Cracker Barrel food be deposited into the porcelain Kohler toilet.

The next two days I couldn't consume anything fried, chocolate, or alcoholic. I also had to stay horizonal for 24 hours watching Judge Maria Lopez and Springer. Tomorrow I am going home from the Vegas trip with nothing more to show than 1 hour playing cards, a pair of paints from Banana Republic, and perpetual disdain to Cracker Barrel and all its 400 pound regular customers.