Charice on Glee - An Old Man's Thoughts

I have been bad mouthing Charice for a couple years on this blog since Oprah called her the most talented girl, which we all know she is not but she does possess the ability to sing other people's songs to a certain degree of capability.

She can be shrilly, and overly cutesy for my taste, which is impeccable. So when a friend passed along information that Charice will be joining Glee next season, my first reaction was "huh"? Then it turned into, "That makes sense. Let other 14 year olds will bad taste in music enjoy her massacring classic songs that I enjoyed by the original artists".

Now to go off on a bit of a tangent - Hey young America - get some originality. Quit taking the music I grew up with and recording it. Stop taking television shows like A-Team and 90210 and making them more current. And for God's Sake, I sacrificed and let you mess with the cherished Karate Kid. DON'T TOUCH TOP GUN!!!

Thanks.

Friend a Friend Lyrics

If you are like me, obsessed with lyrics from pre-K montessori classes, I bring to you the first in a series on lyrics of songs from Montessori school.

Part 1 in this multi-part series - "Friend A Friend". Not sure if that is the real title, but here it goes:

Friend, A Friend,
How do you do?
I give you my hand
I give to you

Round and round,
and round again
Now let's choose
another friend

Enjoy!

Charice's Album Drops and Sinks

Time for more Charice hating!!!

Again, I am sure she is a lovely person and I hope she has a happy, healthy life.

Oh C'mon Old America. I am not buying the crappy package you are selling. I am in my early thirties (for another month anyway) and don't care for a little puppet girl singing songs that no one like 10-20 years ago.

Her album was released at number 8 last week selling a total of 43,000 albums. It looks like all of the people who claim to love her didn't go out and shed any money on their hero. Amazon is even giving away "In This Song" for free. Compare Charice to Susan Boyle who sold over 700,000 albums on her first week.

She is no Bowersox or Taylor Swift. Even with Oprah's big push to get this girl some scratch, the nation isn't buying it. Please stop forcing Ms. Pempengo into our lives.

America's Greatest Threat: Flip Flops

We are plagued in society by something in our society that I must addresss. Something that many are afraid to speak out against for fear theat they will be chastised or portrayed as biased or uncool. The demon known as flip-flops.

They are like nails on a chalkboard Living in Chicago, when the temperature rises above 60, a small percentage of men abandon their Converse and the majority of the female population under 30 strap on the foot thongs and parade around the city producing a thundering chorus of smacking rubber and leather on the pavement.

Are they functional? Minimally. They cannot be comfortable as I can barely wear them between a parking lot and the beach.
Are they attractive? No, they are repulsive.
Do they make a pleasant noise? Obnixious enough to make me want to drill pencils into my ears.

Plus, how could you possibly expose your feet like this on the CTA. tt is a filthy , nasty, musty, odor filled environment inviting fungus. You are playing with fire young America with flip flops. Find a shoe with a heel strap, some ankle support, and bring us back to the nation where flip flops are confined to Spring Break and gym showers.

Charice Still Sucks - Alvin

The two things I blog about is how Chariee sucks and about kids and the funny crap they do. My two worlds collided last Christmas when I brought my youngin to see his first feature length film at the Loew's "Alvin and the Chipmunk: The Squeakeul". The good news is that old third-somethings won't want to commit harry carry during the film. It is very engaging and David Cross from Mr. Show is an entertaining likeable bad guy.

Toward the end of the film, the chipmunks are to take part is a talent competition to save the school's music program. Different schools are showcasing their talent and who before my eyes appears, Charise Pempengco, the singer who I have written two less than flattering blogs. She also drives the most people to my website, so "Welcome fellow haters".

Charice comes out singing a bland version of Alicia Keys "No One" which she brings no new spin. We have only heard this song performed 1,000 times every season of American Idol during the audition stage. Was the performance bad? no. Was it anything memorable? no. Do I like to ask myself questions that I know the answer? absolutely.

For a period of time I though she had moved off of the radar, like the Backstreet Boys, but this looks like one last gasp by her agent to try and steal some Taylor Swift fans. Of course they won't be able to because Taylor can write, sing, play an instrument, perform, and has some major talent.

Charice seems like a nice enough girl. I don't have anything against her personally. I am just some dork writing a blog that someone may or may not read. But please stop trying to make me believe she is something she aint.

Shakira: Great for Dads, Not So Much For Kids

My son loves to dance and music, especially Latin music with lots of horns. I can't stand that crap but can tolerate Shakira.

I turned on Hips Don't Lie and be both enjoyed shaking our tushes, even though all her moves are quite suggestive. Afterwards, I gave She Wolf a try. Once it started, look out.

There is Shakira in a flesh colored body suit dancing in a pink meshy tunnel that looks like a vagina. Although continuing having my son watch this would ensure him being heterosexual, I thought it best to find The Wiggles.

I'll save She Wolf for a later viewing

Best Children's Stories About Music

If your little guy/girl's second passion, the first being saying the word poopy all the time, is music and you are looking for a special book that will satiate their needs, you have come to the right place. Below is an assemblage of picture books for the 2 to 5 year old in your life that doesn't dumb it down to much for the little poopy speakers. Taking my son to the library almost every week and having read a total of 12 books about orchestrates, marching bands, and jazz, I have done the hard work for you.
Behold!!! My list of the top 5 children's books about music:

1. Our Marching Band by Lloyd Moss and Diana Cain Bluthenthal - A fun band about a bunch of kids who aren't very talented by practice together at great length and become the town's prized marching band. The meter of this book is at a good pace and I enjoy how the towns folk find the band dreadful at the beginning.
2. This Jazz Man by Karen Ehrhardt and R.G. Roth - Lots of references to Jazz greats like Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker. A satisifying read with the only drawback being that it is set to the tune "The Old Man." The kids will enjoy finding the hidden mouse on each page.
3. Zin, Zin, Zin a Violin by Lloyd Moss and Marjorie Priceman - 10 different instruments and not one drum. I love it. Plus, you know two musicians are a duet the four musicians are a quartet. Do you know what seven musicians playing together are called? Read the book to find out. My big gripe is why do they make the bald guy the goofball bassoon player. That is....well it is not racism....but it is some kind of "ist". Lloyd Moss sure loves to write kids books about music.
4. Fiddle I Fee by Will Hillenbrand - So catchy a two and a half year old will talking about which animals please him or her. Its clean so get your mind out of the gutter.
5. The Remarkable Farkle McBride by John Lithgow and C. F. Payne - Yes, this is by that John Lithgow. Clever writing about a young man you loves an instrument from each section of the orchestra only to hate them. How will this book end? What will fickle Farkle do? You'll have to read to find out.

Honorable mention: Jazz on a Saturday Night, Violets Music.

Forget about them: Meet the Orchestra, Tuba Lessons.

Enjoy in good health my friends.

H1N1 Parenting Tips

Since the whole world is giving their tips on how to best combat seasonal viruses, I wanted to do my part. Enjoy this exciting game and determine which of these statements are true:

1. If you have to sneeze or cough, do so in your hand or into the air
2. Touch your eyes, nose, and mouth frequently
3. If you have a fever but you have some crap you have to get done, that's cool. Go outside and take care of business.
4. Only pansies was there hands.
5. Get close to those who currently have the virus. Their germs will act as a forcefield and protect you.
6. Touch all the doorknobs from preschools, YMCAs, and Gymborees
7. Tongue kiss and licks the hands of strangers

I think the answers are pretty obvious. Numbers 2, 5, and 7 are false. The rest are true. Good luck and hopefully we'll all still be around in March.

Coffee Math

I get looks from people at work due to the fact that I always seem to have a cup of coffee in my hand. Sorry my stink breath disturbs you. I try to eat a lifesavers but it just arms to mask the scent.

Just today, I was approached about why I drink so much. My reply was that it was my right by using coffee match. Coffee math?! What the he'll is that?! Fear not humble reader, I'll clue you in.
You start with the number 10. That is the max cups of coffee your basic human should consume. Then you subtract the number of hours you have slept. For example, you took in 8 hours. The result is the number of cups of coffee you are entitled. The answer would be two cups for this example in the event you didn't finish the fourth grade.

The reason I drink so much is because my crazy kid never goes to bed despite our infinite number of sleep training methods. Usually get 5-6 hours of sleep, so I chug 4-5 cups a day. It is one of the perks of being sleep deprived.

Emily Bear Not Charice - Most Talented

So this girl Charice, the one who Oprah thinks is the 'Most Talented Girl Alive' has had some accomplishments lately. She has teamed up with a bunch of has beens from the Love FM favorites like David Foster and Celine Dion. In addition, she performed in her home country to the king. Also, she has that hit song on the radio. What is it called......? Oh, that's right, she doesn't have one because he is rehasher of old songs everyone is sick of and performs for grannies.

Ellen DeGeneres may be on to the child who possesses real genius. Her name is Emily Bear, a prodigy pianist who has written over over 130 songs. Emily is remarkable playing her own compositions as well as jazz and classical masterpieces. Not only is she impeccable but seems to geniunely enjoy herself, becoming engulfed in the music, not like some of these stiff dorks who play out of fear their tighted briefed fathers will berate them if they fail. In addition, Emily has performed not for some mediocre king but for an actual US President, albeit George W. Bush.

I love Emily Bear and can't wait to see her when she tours Chicago to see Ravninia over the summer. She is cute, intelligent, and has an actual talent - music performance and composition. You go Emily!!! I now dub you "The Most Talented Girl Alive".

Curious George - A Great Read If You Are Not a Germophobe

The Curious George series, as written by the husband wife team of H.A.Rey and Margret Rey, are filled with cute little George continually getting into predicatments due to his curiousity, hence the nickname Curious George. The books have the formula of a television sitcom.First, there's the set-up where George goes to the zoo, a parade, or an ice cream shop and observes. Next, he wants to take part in the activity. Someone gets pissed and him and George runs away. Then George does something clever and they all love him at the end.

Being someone who always has Purell in my holster, I get a little squeemish reading some of the George books. I don't want the monkey making an ice cream sundae or tossing pizza dough up in the air. The diseases this being must possess has to be extensive. After all, this creature does not wear pants and uses his hand to wipe himself. Would you want to eat a pizza with monkey hands all over it?

George's friend, the man in the yellow hat, is quite the strange character. It is a good thing that he doesn't have kids because he is always letting George out of his sights and allowing him to get into mischief. In addition, he is very absent minded. He is always leaving George to perform an activity or errand he forgot about. Scary thought especially after last month's disaster with the woman and the chimp in Conneticut.

Good Night Moon - Great Read for Those Who Don't Take It As Non-Fiction

Good Night Moon, the timeless tale of naming things in a great green room and then saying "good night" to them. Good Night Brush, Good Night Clock, Good Night Mush, Good Night Sock. This is one book that you get really pissed off about because you start thinking, I could write this drivel and I too would be filthy rich.

The drawings by Clement Hurd are glorious and comforting showing a wonder filled room enchanting to children and filled with a bunch of random items. The room is not well child proofed. There is a burning file, lots of sharp edges, and contains a clothes line. I don't think the AAP would approve. It would make me very happy is someone took the bowl of mush to the sink rather than let it sit all night.

A little nugget of trivia is that Margaret Wise Brown died when she was 42, leaving all of her royalties to a 9 year old rascally kid. The child grew up to a slacking drug abuser who still receives profits to sustain his life of traveling to exotic places, drinking/drugs, and neglecting his children who were conceived by miscellaneous women.

Surprisingly, kids are not freaked out about the old lady in the rocking chair whispering "Hush" but she does give me the heebee geebees.

Harry the Dirty Dog Exposes America's Racism

America in the mid-1950s was a turbulent time. Elvis Presley was shaking his hips. The Korean Was going strong. The civil rights movement was building up momentum. No book exposes America's racial bias at the time as Harry the Dirty Dog by Gene Zion.

The book shows everyone loves Harry as a loveable white dog with some black spots. Harry finds his roots becoming more and more black returning to his family reinvigorated. His family scoffs at the dog claiming they do not know this animal even though he shows the same mannerisms and tricks he did a few hours previously. The family only comes to love Harry again as his blackness is washed away, showing the white dog he was previously.

Gene Zion is probably a pseudonym as he is likely one of the propenents of the anti-semetic manifesto 'The Protocols of the Elders of Zion'. This is evident there seem to be no characters in the book who are Jewish, unless the author things Harry the chosen one. This would be entirely wrong to categorize the Jew as a dog. This mimics the Palestinian's view as Jews are pigs.

Is Harry a loveable dog that gets dirty, is the book a metaphor for the nation's view of civil rights similar to Arthur Miller's metaphor for McCarthyism in The Crucible, or is Gene Zion's Harry The Dirty Dog just another attempt of America to keep our African American brothers down. I think the proof is clear.

Oprah Winfrey - The Worst Judge of Talent

I am okay with Oprah. My wife loves watching her so I pick-up an episode here and there. She does have a knack of showing interesting topics or can provide a decent in-depth interviews with celebrities. However, she has got to be the worst judge of talent ever. Examples:

• Dr. Oz - This dork wears his scrubs on the show all of the time. There is no way he can be an expert is all facets of the medical profession.
  
• Dr. Phil - The Texan loudmouth who berates his patients to get his point across. Only lonely middle aged women in rural areas can really believe this guy is for real.
  
• Charice Pempengco - The karoake singer who Oprah dubbed "The Most Talented Girl In the World". There was a seven year old last year who performed surgery. I would vote for that kid as the most talented in the world.
  
• Nate Berkus - He puts a sconce on a wall and he is automatically a genious.
  

Tonight she had a bunch of kids who were semi-hacks with identifying world flags or could do somersaults. There was one obnoxious kid who was going to be a preacher. Oprah - get Simon Cowell to book your guests. He will at least filter the fluff and not try to manipulate the audience with emotional propaganda.

Quit Humping Gymbo

I haven't written any blogs in a while. A lot of stuff has happened - A new president, the stock market has been cut by 40%, my son turned two. But is seems that no one comes to my site to read about my witty takes on life. All they use me for is my insight into Gymboree. If that is what my public wants, that is what I will give them.

So what's up with the little red haired kid trying to make out with Gymbo when Ms. Amy brings him out at the end for the "I have a little friend and Gymbo is his name-o" song. I think he clings on so we can't see the dorky little dinosaur on the front of his overalls. Guess what kid, we know your mom dresses you like a tool and it isn't your fault. My son walks up to Gymbo with curiosity and then says, "All Done" and walks away from the clown.

Best Anti-Bush Songs

Our country was founded on the media questioning authority. Thomas Paine and his publication "Common Sense" help to gain public support for a government free of the British. Today we have our own set of Thomas Paine's in the rock world. They sing about their woes about Bush, and I am not talking about the lame band from Gavin Rossdale (wokka wokka wokka). So in honor of America, here are the three best Anti-George Bush songs that I can think of at the moment:

3. American Idiot Greenday - Very catchy song. A lot of hooks and a cool guitar intro. The song speaks the truth about a redneck agenda and how Bush has created a nation in fear that allows him to do the weird crap he is doing around the globe to smear our country (Iraq, Abu Ghraib, Guatanamo Bay)
2. Megalomaniac Incubus - No hidden message in this one. Bush is an ass who is no Jesus or Elvis. The song points out that Bush is not the appointed one by God to rescue our country in preparation of the rapture. I like how they mention they would like to have a scissor fight in the pricinpal's office with George.
1. Intervention Arcade Fire - More of an anti Iraq song but I am too lazy to think of a third. The song references how the president is sending soldier to war to die for Bush's religious war. The haunting lyrics are sung " I care not if you kneel" and "working for the church while your family dies" drive home that point. This song gets number one ranking because it is actually the best song from one of the best bands in recent memory. Buy Neon Bible if you haven't already

Charice Pempengco, Why does oprah care?

My wife likes to watch Oprah. I sometimes listen in to what is going on because I like to keep in touch with my what she is in to. So, Oprah has this girl on Charice Pempengco, this Filipina singer who sounds like a rock star from the karaoke circuit.

I cannot see why Oprah would dedicate a whole show to this minimal talent hack. Somehow this poor little girl from a shack in a ghetto is able to upload her lame performance of Whitney Houston's 'I Got Nothing' on YouTube and learn to speak perfect English. Did she learn this while she was letting her dad kick beat up her mom? The love fest continued for an hour as everyone kept gushing about Charice and how much she overcame and all the good things in the future with her vocal ability.

I haven't been this irate since America kept voted for the leprechaun David Archuleta. Perhaps I can see how some fifty year old ladies would think she has talent and is going to take over mainstream radio. But anyone who appreciates music will see Charice as a glorified, little talent nice story but please keep her in perspective. She cannot write music, has the depth of a puddle, and does little to inspire.

Escaping Lifetime Child Center

I had an interesting experience yesterday at Lifetime. We were visiting as my in-laws joined up. Since I hadn't left Jake in the day care center before and knew he was a bit clingy, I thought it would be good to let him play there while I watched him from a distance.

I started to walk away while Jake played with the Little People farm. See me walking away, he darted towards me. I knelt down and told him that "Daddy was going to walk away" and for him to be a big boy and play with the farm. The employee asked if she wanted me to hold him so that I could escape the play area.

Of course, I refused but it made me wonder what kind of parent would be okay with that. "Please body slam my child so I can get some chiseled abs". Unfortunately, it sounds like it must be a frequent enough request that it even be proposed.

Live in the Now

Walking through the greeting card aisle of Walgreen's, I see so may greeting cards that are Napoleon Dynamite themed. Are people still buying this crap. I saw the move five years ago. It was amusing but I am not still quoting the lines from the film or wearing "Vote For Pedro" t-shirts.

I'll be willing to bet that the same people who still dig on the Napoleon are the same people who still wear the yellow LiveStrong bracelets and think Ashton Kutcher is cool.

Cool Dad At Lifetime Fitness Pool

I am the cool dad at the Lifetime Fitness Pool. No, I am not the guy with the chisselled pecs who could make the cover of Men's Fitness. Those are the uncool dads who dump their kids in the germ factory day care facility while they do squat thrusts for two hours. I am cool because I am actually aware of my son and try to make the occassion enjoyable for both of us.

To make the time at the pool fun for a two year old, I bring pool toys - balls, watering cans, cups, squirt toys. Jake gets a kick out of filling up a bucket with the cups and having the water splash as he throws the ball. What his dad doesn't care for is all of the absent minded or indifferent parents who allow their kids to pick up Jake's toys and walk over the entire opposite side of the pool. What is wrong with you people?!! If it is a choice between Jake being happy or your obnoxious kid not throwing a pissy fit, you had better believe that I am going to snatch his toys back.