Fatherhood Wisdom From Vanilla Ice

When I am trying to put a diaper on my son after he has come out of the bath, starts getting wild, or dropping food from his high chair, I find myself quoting lyrics to the song "Ice, Ice Baby". My mouth opens up and I state "Stop, Collaborate, and Listen". What makes it even bizarre is when my wife calls up while changing Jake and I can't resist saying "Word to your mother". Thanks Robert Van Winkle.

Gymboree Song Translation

Great news. My son is a genius. The folks at Gymboree called and asked if he wanted to move up to the level 4 class. He is only 15 months and they want to skip a grade and go to the level that starts at 16 months. It may have something to do with the fact that if you ask him what a sheep says, he says "ba".

Gymboree's songs are fun but they change the lyrics so you think the song is specific to the facility. I have cracked the code and am sharing the translation with all:

• Gymbo the clown goes up and down = Wheels on the bus go round and round
• Hello Jake. Hello Jake. How are you? How are you? = Frere Jacques or Are you Sleeping or Where is Thumbkin
• There are bubbles in the air in the air = If you're happy and you know it clap your hands
• Sitting in my high chair high chair high chair = Momma's little baby loves shortening, shortening
• Trot Trot to Gymboree Trot Trot to Gym = Trot Trot to Boston. Trot Trot to Lynn
• G-Y-M-B-O = B-I-N-G-O
• Fly, Fly, Fly your plane = Row, Row, Row your boat
• Everbody Find a Lap = London Bridge is Falling Down

When Will I Grow Up

I was watching American Idol last night and they had some dude who was about to audition but left because his wife's water broke. So they had the baby and he auditioned the next day. The wife even showed up with the baby, not exactly what I would have done but it was South Carolina.

The intriguing thing about this guy is that his name is Oliver Hymen. The 12 year old got the better of me and I started chuckling. I ever rewound the DVR several times to hear Seacrest say his name over and over. In thinking what clever name I would give his daughter, Cherry beat out Rosie and Chastity. I also stupidly laughed when they showed the Air Force pilot in the cockpit. Other words that give me a kick: homeowner and duty.

Jesus Seemed Cool - Why Aren't Born Agains?

I tend to avoid occassions where I encounter some self righteous conservative evangelicals. Don't get me wrong. There are many born agains who are nice, aren't "preachy", and are accepting towards people different from them. But the few nut jobs really spoil the bunch with their handing out of pamphlets, telling you that you aren't going to heaven, believing that their way of conducting themselves is the only purpose driven life" Apparently, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, and Albert Einstein didn't have any purpose because they were Catholic or non-Christian?

This is what I know about Jesus. He drank wine (even turning water into wine). He was friends with prostitutes, social outcasts, and homeless. He didn't piss and moan about gays, fictitious wizards, or how science is evil. I don't think Jesus hated Jews either, primarily because he was one. He was a uniter not a divider.

So to you - the minority of Christians who are tarnishing Jesus's name, ask yourself this question - WWJD?

Ending Sentences With So

There are some repeated aspects of American slang that really make my crawl skin. There are the ones that have persisted such as using "like" multiple times in a sentence (not as a similie or expressing preference), ending a sentence with "at" unneccessarily (such as "Where are you at?"), and including "you know" without waiting for someone to acknowledge that they in fact know what the other person is speaking about.

The recent addition to this list is ending a sentence with "So....". Some people just don't seem to know how to end a thought. Now they have a clever escape mechanism, which is to just say "so" and lift their hand in the air. For example:

Person1: Did you go see that movie I told you about?
Person2: You know, I was like thinking about it and then Angelo called asking me where I was at. I told him and he was like why don't you come watch the game. So...

I beg you people, can we just end add "there you go" so it is a complete sentence.

LifeTime Fitness Sucks: Return of the Lame

Now that I have ended my cycle of contracting contagious diseases has come to an end, I am back to work out. And working out means another visit to Lifetime Fitness. And another visit to Lifetime Fitness means another opportunity to scrutinze the horrendous music videos they play. Here are the chart toping hits played in the club this morning:

• NLT That Girl - The treadmill was too loud to hear these pre-pubescend dorks but I could tell it was junk.
• Asley Simpson - Invisible - I didn't hear this song either but the video shows Ashley getting knocked out by some she-male with a mullet. The nose job does look good.
• Roy Orbison Oh Pretty Woman - I like this song but c'mon.
• Smashmouth Allstar - A LTF favorite. I enjoy the clips from the Ben Stiller bust Mystery Men.
• Carrie Underwood Jesus Take The Wheel - There is nothing like a country ballad about Christ as a designated driver to get me pumped.
• Tiffany I Think We're Alone Now - This one gave me flashbacks to middle school dances when I folded over and rolled up my jeans he middle and wore creepers.
• James Blunt Beautiful - No need to comment on this one
• Jackson 5 I want You Back - Turn the clock back 35 years and this would be an appropriate song choice.

Lifetime should just play the top 40 on XM and everyone would be satisfied. Oh wait, then they wouldn't be able to squeeze out that extra hundred bucks a month by playing those jeep commercials and ads for the local plastic surgeon.

Lame Liberal Boycotts

I am staunch supporter of protests. I'll honk when I see union people striking. I' burned an effigy of Mel Gibson in the town hall after his anti-semitic tirade.

I usually take the passive aggressive approach myself in the form of boycotts. Some companies I am currently boycotting are Cracker Barrel for ruining my Vegas trip, Jiffy Lube for having ex con pull their flim flam and charge you 50 bucks for an oil change, and any thing with Rachel Ray because she annoys me.

Reminiscing on my boycott history I recall some of the crazy products my old hippie friends in college advised me to stop using. Snapple, I was told, I shouldn't use because the company was "anti abortion". Guess what, I am anti abortion too but I am still pro choice. Other than one dreadlocked dude giving me this information I didn't have anything to validate this with.

For the experience, I went to a Grateful Dead concert in 1994. While walking through the parking lot, I had a longneck of Budweiser. People looked at me as if I were in a SS soldiers uniform. One tie dye wearing sole told me that Budweiser gave money to the DEA. That's great!!! Why do I want more crack, heroin, and cocaine in this country.?

Do I have a point, not really. Just that you shouldn't protest because you hear one filthy person's perspective. Just this week, I received an email with a fabricated story about Barrack Obama was a closet Muslim radical who is going to blow up the world. Please check multiple sources before you believe anything. I should know, my lineage is of royalty.