Escaping Lifetime Child Center

I had an interesting experience yesterday at Lifetime. We were visiting as my in-laws joined up. Since I hadn't left Jake in the day care center before and knew he was a bit clingy, I thought it would be good to let him play there while I watched him from a distance.

I started to walk away while Jake played with the Little People farm. See me walking away, he darted towards me. I knelt down and told him that "Daddy was going to walk away" and for him to be a big boy and play with the farm. The employee asked if she wanted me to hold him so that I could escape the play area.

Of course, I refused but it made me wonder what kind of parent would be okay with that. "Please body slam my child so I can get some chiseled abs". Unfortunately, it sounds like it must be a frequent enough request that it even be proposed.

Cool Dad At Lifetime Fitness Pool

I am the cool dad at the Lifetime Fitness Pool. No, I am not the guy with the chisselled pecs who could make the cover of Men's Fitness. Those are the uncool dads who dump their kids in the germ factory day care facility while they do squat thrusts for two hours. I am cool because I am actually aware of my son and try to make the occassion enjoyable for both of us.

To make the time at the pool fun for a two year old, I bring pool toys - balls, watering cans, cups, squirt toys. Jake gets a kick out of filling up a bucket with the cups and having the water splash as he throws the ball. What his dad doesn't care for is all of the absent minded or indifferent parents who allow their kids to pick up Jake's toys and walk over the entire opposite side of the pool. What is wrong with you people?!! If it is a choice between Jake being happy or your obnoxious kid not throwing a pissy fit, you had better believe that I am going to snatch his toys back.

David Archuleta - New Theory

After seeing Archuletas gay Neil Diamond performances last night and hearing Randy's rave about the suckfest, I have a new theory. Perhaps I am not on the Truman Show where I am the only one not getting the joke, especially since I seem to be getting a lot of hits with people searching "David Archuleta Sucks". Maybe Archie's dad is paying off Randy and the nation to say good things about the little asthmatic.

I believe this to be true because Cowell now isn't even buying the post nasal drip voiced geeks performance, saying it is amateurish. Maybe Pa Archuleta couldn't afford Cowell anymore and he is saying it straight. We'll see, won't we.

On another topic, someone recently came to this site after searching on "Lifetime Fitness Center Sex Parties". What the hell is that!! I don't like using equipment after someone sweats on it much less leaves other bodily fluids. Let's hope this is just happening in the Phoenix facility. They are a deviant bunch down there.

Two Worlds Collide

My two biggest topics on this blog seem to be about Gymboree and Lifetime Fitness. How strange and inevitable it was to see my two worlds collide on Sunday. There I was in the pool with my 18 month old when we swam by the mushroom shaped thing that drips down water. A mother and her two children were circling it singing "Round and Round the garden goes the little bear. One, two, three, four.. tickle under there". They giggled as they tickled themselves, which seemed a bit ridiculous for four or five years olds doing that crap but each to their own.

The little guy and I just swam around. I held him on the kickboard while he did some surfing. There were a few strange kids who approached me. One was telling me how he could throw the ball better than my son and could show me. I told him to buzz off. I would hope a seven year old could throw the ball better than an infant. The same nudnik showed me how he could walk on his hands. Another little girl was very nice. She offered the noodle floatie thing for my son to use. We swapped the ball for the floatie and it was fine for 10 minute.

We always try to leave the pool five minutes before safety break so we won't have to wait for the shower. My son's dad has his act together.

Old Man Shlong at Lifetime Fitness

5:00 Lifetime Fitness. The place is pretty packed for a Wednesday morning and overall, I was happy with the experience. I am jealous that my Lifetime is only a platinum gym whereas the one opening up in Vernon Hills is Onyx. But, I am happy to learn new precious gems.

The music was hot, if this was 1996. The cool 90s songs including Bush - "Come Down" and the Gin Blossoms "Hear It From You". They actually played a somewhat new song - "Clumsy by Fergie". The Temptations "My Girl" was busted out. What amused me about this is how unpolished they were for their dance moves.

After my workout, I hit the shower. My routine is get undress quickly and jump in the shower. I then dry off and get dresses. This is a process one would think would be how most people going to the gym before work. For some reason when I exit the shower there is an old chubby guy chilling in his birthday suit talking to another old naked guy. Never in my life would I want to have a naked penis conversation with my friend, but apparently old guys are okay with it. At least I have motivation to keep my weight off. Otherwise, I would tubby up and not be able to keep the towel around my waist.

Lifetime Fitness - Oy Vey

Yesterday was Easter and my wife, son, and I were going to go to Lifetime Fitness to do some exercise. This is a big step, especially since this is the first time my wife was going to let him be in the hands of people we have never met before. We are aware of the holiday so we call ahead of time because initially, we wanted to go in the pool. Here is a transcript of my phone call to Lifetime to see if the pool is open.

Guy: "Lifetime Fitness"
Me: "Hi. I was calling to see if you have family swim today"
Guy: "I am sorry we don't because of the holiday"
Me: "Oh. Well is the child center open today?"
Guy: "It is. Let me see. Oh! It opens at 9:00"
Me: "Great. Thank you. Bye"

So, we make our way out there, pack the big diaper bag. Put my son in his jacket, which he hates. We drive 10 minutes to the health club, unbuckle him and sift through the half dozen bags we brought to find the membership card. We walk in, go down the long hall, and see that the child center lights are off.

I walk up to the guy at the membership desk, Jeff, and I say to him, "Jeff. Why did you tell me the child center was open. This is a big inconvenience?" Jeff replies that he is sorry and I go to speak with the front desk supervisor and tell her she needs to communicate changes in schedules to her staff. After tap dancing for two minutes she finally apologizes but it really just soured my mood.

I did end up going later on and they played the same songs they always seem to play - "Oh, Pretty Woman", "Californication" , some Ashley Simpson song where she acts like a femmebot, and James Blunt's "You're Beautiful". I watched some of the tournament on the TV, which, by the way, if I am paying $125/month and you aren't going to give each treadmill a personal TV, can't you at least afford HD?

Checking Out Lifetime Fitness Pool

I have been taking my 16 month old son to the pool the last two weeks at Lifetime and we have a pretty good time for about 45 minutes. He plays with the bubbling springs that pop-up, spins the rings on the partition between the waterslide area and main pool, and pours the water from his cups that we bring along.

Jake is both fascinated and fearful of the mushroom fountain in the middle of the pool. He craws my face when we get close but when I back away, he points to it like he wants to stick his hand through the wall of water.

Our other favorite activity is to avoid the unsupervised kids who rough house in the pool like they are part of the WWE Smackdown. I tell those little jerky kids to screw off and leave me and my boy alone.

The real fun begins in the family changing area. I try to not drop Jake on the tile flooring while he squirms as I try to give him a shower. The area is reserved for people with opposite gender children but I don't really care. I am not taking Jake into the men's locker room where hairy old men don't mind being naked and taking 30 minutes to get dressed. In my most recent visit, there was a 70 year old wearing a translucent skin tight speedo. Jake's eyes are already burning. I don't need him to be exposed anymore to strange dudes.

LifeTime Fitness Sucks: Return of the Lame

Now that I have ended my cycle of contracting contagious diseases has come to an end, I am back to work out. And working out means another visit to Lifetime Fitness. And another visit to Lifetime Fitness means another opportunity to scrutinze the horrendous music videos they play. Here are the chart toping hits played in the club this morning:

• NLT That Girl - The treadmill was too loud to hear these pre-pubescend dorks but I could tell it was junk.
• Asley Simpson - Invisible - I didn't hear this song either but the video shows Ashley getting knocked out by some she-male with a mullet. The nose job does look good.
• Roy Orbison Oh Pretty Woman - I like this song but c'mon.
• Smashmouth Allstar - A LTF favorite. I enjoy the clips from the Ben Stiller bust Mystery Men.
• Carrie Underwood Jesus Take The Wheel - There is nothing like a country ballad about Christ as a designated driver to get me pumped.
• Tiffany I Think We're Alone Now - This one gave me flashbacks to middle school dances when I folded over and rolled up my jeans he middle and wore creepers.
• James Blunt Beautiful - No need to comment on this one
• Jackson 5 I want You Back - Turn the clock back 35 years and this would be an appropriate song choice.

Lifetime should just play the top 40 on XM and everyone would be satisfied. Oh wait, then they wouldn't be able to squeeze out that extra hundred bucks a month by playing those jeep commercials and ads for the local plastic surgeon.

Lifetime Fitness Sucks (cont.)

Looking at the site tracking to my site, I can see a lot of people come to my site by googling "Lifetime Fitness Sucks" or "Lifetime Fitness Music" . They have come from across the US ranging from Virginia, New Jersey, Texas Minnesota, and Georgia. Based on this, I know I am not alone in my crusade to get the music they play more hip and not as crappy.

This morning they played "Forever Your Girl" by Paula Abdul and "Dead Man's Party" by Oingo Boingo. These were two of the selections they played that were just ridiculous. Surprisingly, they played some decent more recent songs - "Have a Nice Day" by Bon Jovi, "Talk" by Coldplay, and "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. To add to my dissatisfaction today the toilet paper dispensers in the bathroom stall were on the ground and there was not soap in my shower dispenser. Also, there was some idiot kid who was walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes at .5 speed.

Two weeks ago when I was there, it was like an Eastern European bathhouse. For a change, I decided I would check out the jacuzzi. There were twelve dudes in the one hot tub (the other was closed for repairs). I swear that three of them were wearing tighty whiteys. Now that is just gross.

Any terrible songs that come up or complaints you have about the club, please add to the comments so we start a grass roots campaign to get Lifetime to provide the value they should be providing for their high dues.

Lifetime Fitness Sucks

I have been a member of Lifetime Fitness for about 6 months. I used to be a member three years ago but quit for a couple of quality reasons:

1. They didn't know how to cap their enrollment and the place became a zoo
2. Too many damn tweens running around using the equipment
3. Too many jerks using their cell phones while on the stair master
4. Funky odor in the locker rooms

There are two additional reasons that still persist that I am very unhappy about but overlook them because now that I have a kid, I appreciate their child care facilities. The first is the terrible selections on the television. Does anyone really watch the "CW" or "The Golf Channel? There are only 8 televisions, please lets focus on broadcast, sports and news. This will appeal to everyone except for the little battered wife who wants to watch Lifetime channel.

With the limited choices, do you need to show the videos to the lame ass music you are playing. That is my second major beef with Lifetime - the incredibly poor music they play while working out. This is 2007! Do you really think I will get pumped up lifting why listening to "Please Mr. Postman"? Some other crappy songs they play are "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper, "The Heart of Rock and Roll" by Huey Lewis, and "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. When recent music is played it is either teeny bopper crap like Aly and AJ or some cupcake light FM song by John Mayer. This is place to exercise and get energized, not romper room or a starbucks.

Lifetime, you are lucky that other fitness centers are filled with grannies and that I hate Bally's even more. Your one saving grace are the water slides. Just make sure no tweens get in my way.