H1N1 Parenting Tips

Since the whole world is giving their tips on how to best combat seasonal viruses, I wanted to do my part. Enjoy this exciting game and determine which of these statements are true:

1. If you have to sneeze or cough, do so in your hand or into the air
2. Touch your eyes, nose, and mouth frequently
3. If you have a fever but you have some crap you have to get done, that's cool. Go outside and take care of business.
4. Only pansies was there hands.
5. Get close to those who currently have the virus. Their germs will act as a forcefield and protect you.
6. Touch all the doorknobs from preschools, YMCAs, and Gymborees
7. Tongue kiss and licks the hands of strangers

I think the answers are pretty obvious. Numbers 2, 5, and 7 are false. The rest are true. Good luck and hopefully we'll all still be around in March.

Coffee Math

I get looks from people at work due to the fact that I always seem to have a cup of coffee in my hand. Sorry my stink breath disturbs you. I try to eat a lifesavers but it just arms to mask the scent.

Just today, I was approached about why I drink so much. My reply was that it was my right by using coffee match. Coffee math?! What the he'll is that?! Fear not humble reader, I'll clue you in.
You start with the number 10. That is the max cups of coffee your basic human should consume. Then you subtract the number of hours you have slept. For example, you took in 8 hours. The result is the number of cups of coffee you are entitled. The answer would be two cups for this example in the event you didn't finish the fourth grade.

The reason I drink so much is because my crazy kid never goes to bed despite our infinite number of sleep training methods. Usually get 5-6 hours of sleep, so I chug 4-5 cups a day. It is one of the perks of being sleep deprived.

Emily Bear Not Charice - Most Talented

So this girl Charice, the one who Oprah thinks is the 'Most Talented Girl Alive' has had some accomplishments lately. She has teamed up with a bunch of has beens from the Love FM favorites like David Foster and Celine Dion. In addition, she performed in her home country to the king. Also, she has that hit song on the radio. What is it called......? Oh, that's right, she doesn't have one because he is rehasher of old songs everyone is sick of and performs for grannies.

Ellen DeGeneres may be on to the child who possesses real genius. Her name is Emily Bear, a prodigy pianist who has written over over 130 songs. Emily is remarkable playing her own compositions as well as jazz and classical masterpieces. Not only is she impeccable but seems to geniunely enjoy herself, becoming engulfed in the music, not like some of these stiff dorks who play out of fear their tighted briefed fathers will berate them if they fail. In addition, Emily has performed not for some mediocre king but for an actual US President, albeit George W. Bush.

I love Emily Bear and can't wait to see her when she tours Chicago to see Ravninia over the summer. She is cute, intelligent, and has an actual talent - music performance and composition. You go Emily!!! I now dub you "The Most Talented Girl Alive".

Curious George - A Great Read If You Are Not a Germophobe

The Curious George series, as written by the husband wife team of H.A.Rey and Margret Rey, are filled with cute little George continually getting into predicatments due to his curiousity, hence the nickname Curious George. The books have the formula of a television sitcom.First, there's the set-up where George goes to the zoo, a parade, or an ice cream shop and observes. Next, he wants to take part in the activity. Someone gets pissed and him and George runs away. Then George does something clever and they all love him at the end.

Being someone who always has Purell in my holster, I get a little squeemish reading some of the George books. I don't want the monkey making an ice cream sundae or tossing pizza dough up in the air. The diseases this being must possess has to be extensive. After all, this creature does not wear pants and uses his hand to wipe himself. Would you want to eat a pizza with monkey hands all over it?

George's friend, the man in the yellow hat, is quite the strange character. It is a good thing that he doesn't have kids because he is always letting George out of his sights and allowing him to get into mischief. In addition, he is very absent minded. He is always leaving George to perform an activity or errand he forgot about. Scary thought especially after last month's disaster with the woman and the chimp in Conneticut.

Good Night Moon - Great Read for Those Who Don't Take It As Non-Fiction

Good Night Moon, the timeless tale of naming things in a great green room and then saying "good night" to them. Good Night Brush, Good Night Clock, Good Night Mush, Good Night Sock. This is one book that you get really pissed off about because you start thinking, I could write this drivel and I too would be filthy rich.

The drawings by Clement Hurd are glorious and comforting showing a wonder filled room enchanting to children and filled with a bunch of random items. The room is not well child proofed. There is a burning file, lots of sharp edges, and contains a clothes line. I don't think the AAP would approve. It would make me very happy is someone took the bowl of mush to the sink rather than let it sit all night.

A little nugget of trivia is that Margaret Wise Brown died when she was 42, leaving all of her royalties to a 9 year old rascally kid. The child grew up to a slacking drug abuser who still receives profits to sustain his life of traveling to exotic places, drinking/drugs, and neglecting his children who were conceived by miscellaneous women.

Surprisingly, kids are not freaked out about the old lady in the rocking chair whispering "Hush" but she does give me the heebee geebees.

Harry the Dirty Dog Exposes America's Racism

America in the mid-1950s was a turbulent time. Elvis Presley was shaking his hips. The Korean Was going strong. The civil rights movement was building up momentum. No book exposes America's racial bias at the time as Harry the Dirty Dog by Gene Zion.

The book shows everyone loves Harry as a loveable white dog with some black spots. Harry finds his roots becoming more and more black returning to his family reinvigorated. His family scoffs at the dog claiming they do not know this animal even though he shows the same mannerisms and tricks he did a few hours previously. The family only comes to love Harry again as his blackness is washed away, showing the white dog he was previously.

Gene Zion is probably a pseudonym as he is likely one of the propenents of the anti-semetic manifesto 'The Protocols of the Elders of Zion'. This is evident there seem to be no characters in the book who are Jewish, unless the author things Harry the chosen one. This would be entirely wrong to categorize the Jew as a dog. This mimics the Palestinian's view as Jews are pigs.

Is Harry a loveable dog that gets dirty, is the book a metaphor for the nation's view of civil rights similar to Arthur Miller's metaphor for McCarthyism in The Crucible, or is Gene Zion's Harry The Dirty Dog just another attempt of America to keep our African American brothers down. I think the proof is clear.

Oprah Winfrey - The Worst Judge of Talent

I am okay with Oprah. My wife loves watching her so I pick-up an episode here and there. She does have a knack of showing interesting topics or can provide a decent in-depth interviews with celebrities. However, she has got to be the worst judge of talent ever. Examples:

• Dr. Oz - This dork wears his scrubs on the show all of the time. There is no way he can be an expert is all facets of the medical profession.
  
• Dr. Phil - The Texan loudmouth who berates his patients to get his point across. Only lonely middle aged women in rural areas can really believe this guy is for real.
  
• Charice Pempengco - The karoake singer who Oprah dubbed "The Most Talented Girl In the World". There was a seven year old last year who performed surgery. I would vote for that kid as the most talented in the world.
  
• Nate Berkus - He puts a sconce on a wall and he is automatically a genious.
  

Tonight she had a bunch of kids who were semi-hacks with identifying world flags or could do somersaults. There was one obnoxious kid who was going to be a preacher. Oprah - get Simon Cowell to book your guests. He will at least filter the fluff and not try to manipulate the audience with emotional propaganda.