Kite Runner Book Review

The movie Kite Runner is expanding into theaters across the country in next few weeks. It has been nomiated for 2 golden globe awards. Is the movie any good? I don't know. For the first time since Cold Mountain, I have actually read the book before seeing the movie. So here is my book review. Whether or not it has anything to do with the book - I have no idea. Here is my review. I don't remember a lot of the names but I will do my best (*** SPOILER ALERT****):

• Assef is an asshole. It is hard to believe that people like this actually breathe the same air as me
• Hassan seems like the nicest kid/guy in the world. I cannot believe I actually breathe the same air as people like him
• People do stupid things in their lives. We all have regrets. We all wish we could go back and do things differently - Me, Amir, Amir's wife, Baba. Feeling guilty and wallowing does not do any of us any good. We have to learn, ask to be forgiven, and make it better
• Being born in the mid 1970's, I never knew Afghanistan was any place but a dump for wacko religious fanatics and before that wimps who got their butts kicked by the USSR
• Those Taliban really do some crazy stuff. The exhibition at the half time of the soccer game was nuts. It makes the Justin Timberlake/Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction look like Sesame Street
• The next time I am at the beach flying my kite, I am going to try some of Hassan's moves and try to cut someone else's kite. That oughta show em.
• I have never seen a Hazara. I bet they would be cool to shoot some pool with.
• See my prior blog about human fertility. It is too bad when good people are not able to reproduce.
• I have been hearing recently how the CIA helped guerilla resistant groups in Afghanistan fight the Soviets in the 1980's. In exchange for their help, we would allow them to continue with their opium production. The opium they send to Turkey, which they refine and turn into herion helping to continue America's addiction. USA!! USA!!

Spider Tiger

There has been a lot of skeptism on the tiger Tatiana from the San Francisco zoo. Was he taunted, molested, given a pole vault, given a suspension bridge, carried by seagulls? These should not be ruled out as possible ways in which he escaped.

In addition to graduating in the top 75% of my high school class my knowledge also comes from watching summer blockbusters. This has lead to my theory on the mysterious Tatiana's escape - Spider Tiger. Yes Tatiana was bitten my a genetically modified spider that bit her in the touchas. As a result, she was filled with rage and super tiger powers enabling her to jump a 15 foot moat and climb a 10 foot fence.

Luckily Murdock and Riggs were on the scene to bust a cap but not before Spider Tiger was able to maul two children and kill another young adult (cue the Celine Dion song).

On a serious note - Happy New Year Yo!

I'm Number 4,446,976

Since I have been adding some new brilliant observations and comments to my blog in the last few weeks, I thought I would market the site a little better to bring in some more traffic. In doing so, I have registered with the site Technorati. This is the hub that one can go to if they want to find a blog on random topics - such as why Lifetime Fitness sucks or if Violet Bick is hotter than Mary Hatch on It's a Wonderful Life.

I am happy to announce that my blog is ranked in the top 4.5 million. Not to toot my own horn, but I am number 4,446,976!! Take that Boing Boing and Ariana Huffington.

Best Holiday of All Is...

Christmas? No! 4th of July? No! Halloween? Of course not!

By far the best holiday is New Year's Day. This is day that celebrates a clean slate for everyone. People can wash their hands of the mistakes and regrets of the prior 365 days. In the new year they can lose that weight, meet that special someone, take that long awaited excursion.

There is no basis on religion, race, or nationality. It is based exclusively on mathematics and truth. We are free to say "Happy New Year" to anyone without worrying that you are offending them. Any reasonable person will respond in kind "May you have A marvelous New Year as well". Wouldn't it be great if all other holidays shared this element of reason?

Violet Bick or Mary Hatch

George Bailey, the Jimmy Stewart character in It's A Wonderful Life, has many choices in the legendary Frank Capra film. Should he stay with the building and loan or travel and explore the world? Should he partner with Sam Wainwright in his pie in the sky schemes? Should he go gansta on Uncle Billy for losing the $8,000 that was owed to Mr. Potter? All of these are questions could be debated for hours.

One more question that any question that is not up for debate is should George have dumped Mary and gone swinging with Violet Bick. The answer is obviously "Yes". George has to play baby sitter to all the screw ups in Bedford Falls, take the crap from his slacker brother Peter, and wipe up the puke from his rummy uncle. He might has well have a little fun with wild gal Violet, played by Gloria Grahame.

Violet was a lot like the Paris Hilton of Bedford Falls. She may have not been the best conversationalist or sweetest gal but she would get you into the happening places and leave a single guy feeling fulfilled. Doesn't poor sacrificing George deserve a little fun? Then he could settle with Mary and feel like he did sailed around the world....or a least explore a girl who had a sailor from every part of the world.

Lifetime Fitness Sucks (cont.)

Looking at the site tracking to my site, I can see a lot of people come to my site by googling "Lifetime Fitness Sucks" or "Lifetime Fitness Music" . They have come from across the US ranging from Virginia, New Jersey, Texas Minnesota, and Georgia. Based on this, I know I am not alone in my crusade to get the music they play more hip and not as crappy.

This morning they played "Forever Your Girl" by Paula Abdul and "Dead Man's Party" by Oingo Boingo. These were two of the selections they played that were just ridiculous. Surprisingly, they played some decent more recent songs - "Have a Nice Day" by Bon Jovi, "Talk" by Coldplay, and "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. To add to my dissatisfaction today the toilet paper dispensers in the bathroom stall were on the ground and there was not soap in my shower dispenser. Also, there was some idiot kid who was walking on the treadmill for 10 minutes at .5 speed.

Two weeks ago when I was there, it was like an Eastern European bathhouse. For a change, I decided I would check out the jacuzzi. There were twelve dudes in the one hot tub (the other was closed for repairs). I swear that three of them were wearing tighty whiteys. Now that is just gross.

Any terrible songs that come up or complaints you have about the club, please add to the comments so we start a grass roots campaign to get Lifetime to provide the value they should be providing for their high dues.

Worst Christmas Songs

It's the holiday season. So whoop de doo and dickory dock. Don't forget to hang up your sock. With the Christmas time comes good cheer, irrational stocking stuffers, and an extra five pounds around the buttocks. It also comes with some music that will just about drive you crazy.

The traditional songs are one thing. How many times can we hear "Little Drummer Boy"? What the hell is that song even about. Then there are the campy songs like "You're a bastard, Mr. Grinch" or "Holly Jolly Christmas". These songs were fun the first dozen times they were heard.

The absolute worst songs are those performed by pop stars that have no business singing these type of jingles. The exception to this is Run DMC's Christmas in Hollis. Below are the list of worst holiday songs by popular artists:

5. Santa Baby by Eartha Kit - Annoying, annoying, annoying
4. You Make It Feel Like Christmas by Neil Diamond - What is next Mike Hucabee singing Hava Nagila?
3. Little Saint Nick by The Beach Boys - I actually do like the harmony but the surfer vibe doesn't work with holiday tunes
2. Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon - Hippee fluff on top of Christmas music
1. Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas by Paul McCartney. Both number 1 and number 2 are evidence that the Beatles should have never broken up.

For me, the best songs are the ones that are classy, written by professional song writers, and sung by individuals with a great voice. Give me Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" or Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" any day over "Frosty".

Name the Idiot!!

Alright. It is time to play a new game called "Name the Idiot". I am going to list a bunch of facts about someone and you try to guess who I am talking about:

1. I am running for President
2. I think that people inflicted with AIDS should be sent to an island isolated from the rest of society
3. I think that if you are not an evangelical, born again, or baptism Christian, you are not going to heaven
4. I go out of my way to parole rapists who go on to rape and kill other women
5. I want to raise everyone's taxes
6. I think if we stopped abortion, we wouldn't have any more problems with immigration
7. I think that evolution isn't for real. Science is silly. The world started 6,000 years ago, like the bible says.
8. While I was governor, I set up a wedding registry at Target when I renewed my vows so tax payers could buy me stuff
9. I used $60,000 of tax­payer fund for personal expenses like dog food, pantyhose and meals at Taco Bell
10. I hail from Arkansas
11. I lost over 100 pounds
12. I hate gays

WHO IS THIS IDIOT...... (Highlight the row below for answer)
Mike Hukabee

Lifetime Fitness Sucks

I have been a member of Lifetime Fitness for about 6 months. I used to be a member three years ago but quit for a couple of quality reasons:

1. They didn't know how to cap their enrollment and the place became a zoo
2. Too many damn tweens running around using the equipment
3. Too many jerks using their cell phones while on the stair master
4. Funky odor in the locker rooms

There are two additional reasons that still persist that I am very unhappy about but overlook them because now that I have a kid, I appreciate their child care facilities. The first is the terrible selections on the television. Does anyone really watch the "CW" or "The Golf Channel? There are only 8 televisions, please lets focus on broadcast, sports and news. This will appeal to everyone except for the little battered wife who wants to watch Lifetime channel.

With the limited choices, do you need to show the videos to the lame ass music you are playing. That is my second major beef with Lifetime - the incredibly poor music they play while working out. This is 2007! Do you really think I will get pumped up lifting why listening to "Please Mr. Postman"? Some other crappy songs they play are "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper, "The Heart of Rock and Roll" by Huey Lewis, and "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. When recent music is played it is either teeny bopper crap like Aly and AJ or some cupcake light FM song by John Mayer. This is place to exercise and get energized, not romper room or a starbucks.

Lifetime, you are lucky that other fitness centers are filled with grannies and that I hate Bally's even more. Your one saving grace are the water slides. Just make sure no tweens get in my way.

Gross Act of Kindness

When I think back to some of the disgusting things I have done in my life, surprisingly, not too many things pop up. I suppose I am pretty pompous. True, I was a janitor as Disneyland for four summers. On one occassion I did pick up a cheeseburger that had been thrown away, put it in my pocket and ate it later. But, it was on the top of the heap, was completely wrapped up in it's McDonald's wrapping, and had not bite marks or larva on it. The image of George Constanza eating the donut comes to mind.

Recently, I did do something one could construe as being gross. I see it as an act of kindness. My son, Baby Jake (who shortly will be little Jake), had a bad cold. He kept having boogers flushing out of his nose. Wanting to clear his nasal passage, I took the aspirator and sucked out all that was avaiable. He did not take too kindly to this and any sane person would take exception if someone tried to insert a large plastic bubble in their nostril.

To prevent this from happening again, I put my mouth over his nose and sucked. The mucus came into my mouth and I immediately spit it into a napkin and washed out my mouth. Gross? It is hard to argue otherwise. However, it is also a noble act as Jake was most appreciative.

Liberal Snob

I am not partial to one political party or the other. They both have major downsides - self-righteous pompous jerks on both sides who won't try to compromise on anything. I do have a specific beef with the selective liberals (see earlier blog). These are folks who are open to the most bizarre deviant behavior and mock those who lead a normal life.

The main weapon of the selective liberal is their dollar store vocabulary. They believe if they drop words such as nepotism, gentrification, and nihilism they have a thought process that is greater than the general public. In truth, the selective liberal is nothing more than a thinly veiled insecure individual who because they did not succeed in sports or have a tolerance for lactose, they have to fill that deficiency.

People - why can't find a common denominator in life and use this as a basis to get along. Since sports seems to be somewhat exclusionary, I nominated American Idol.

Creed Sucks

I was on the treadmill yesterday and was horrified upon seeing the stupidest video I have ever seen. It was Creed's With Arms Wide Open. I know the song is about lead singer/idiot Scott Stapp becoming overjoyed on the arrival of his new son but the video is so lame. Ugly Stapp is singing in Ireland or Scotland and then all of a sudden bombs come falling down on the Earth. Then the wimpy guitar player with an ugly soul patch plays a pathetic solo and the video ends.

Thank God the period of these talentless weasels being played on the radio is over. I feel bad for the nice little church goers who both the albums of these hypocritical bastards. Especially Stapp who claims he is Mr. Christian. "I created my own prison. It's My Sacrifice. Jesus takes me Higher". What a load of crap from this guy.

This is the same guy who performed a drunk show in Chicago slurring his words on stage in a typical pathetic performance. He also was filmed banging a girl with Kid Rock. He also tried to start a fight in a tattoo parlor after he overhead someone saying something about him. Other random acts of idiocy include getting into a fight with 311 and getting drunk at a poker tournament and trying to force himself on Howard Stern's fiance Beth . Recently, Stapp was also was involved in a domestic violence act by throwing a bottle of Orangina at his wife.

Here is a complete article about lame-o's Creed from Rolling Stone. It mentions how they have "Fallen from Grace" but were they ever graceful? I thought they always sucked

My Encounter With Morrissey

The Date: October 17, 2007
The Venue: Genessee Theatre, Waukegan, IL
The Attraction: Morrissey

My fanaticism with Morrissey and his former group, The Smiths, has lasted over 20 years. I had seen Morrissey in concert nine times prior. October 17th was to be my 10th show(the first was way back in 1992 at UCLA Pauley Pavilion).

Usually, when I attend a Morrissey show I have to drag my wife or pay for an extra ticket and bring my brother-in-law. This concert, I was going solo. There would be nothing to slow me down in my pursuit to make it on the stage and give the Mozzer a hug.

Driving up from the near Chicago suburbs, I was trying to get myself in the mood for the show. Unfortunately, I took my wife's car that she drives Jake around town in. Instead of hearing the Your Arsenal or Vauxhall and I album, I was left with the Putamayo Children's songs, Phil Collins, and Dixie Chicks.

As the show started, there was an instant rush. The band hit the stage and an instant feeling of exhilaration overtook me. Song after beautiful song poured through the speakers. The encore began and some stage invaders made their way up during "First of the Gang To Die". Nothing was holding me back this time around. I excused myself past the people in my row, darted to the left side of the stage and used the speaker for leverage to make my way up. Within an instant I was on the stage and made my way towards Morrissey. Almost instantly a security guard gave me a semi headlock. The momentum was too strong though as I kept advancing. The security guard pulled be back but not before I grabbed Morrissey's forearm. After countless hours listening to his music, spending close to $5,000 on music, concerts, attire, etc., and years of admiration, I was able to touch the person who so well defined my adolescence. Thank you Steven Patrick Morrissey for an unforgetable night!

Rock N Roll Quiz

Who got me a subscription to Rolling Stone? The magazine comes to my house every two weeks and is filled with articles on bands I actually care about. There are articles about Bruce Springsteen, The Killers, The Clash, Pearl Jam, Kanye West, etc. Although I haven't search hard, I have not come across mention of Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance, which is a great thing.

One online challenge the magazine pointed me to was a Rock N Roll quiz available online. These aren't gimme's like "Whose wife did Eric Clapton write the song Layla?" (answer: George Harrison), but some real toughies. By taking the quiz, you will find out:

• The rock star that was a classmate of former Dallas Cowboys head coach Jimmy Johnson
• The reason behind Jimi Hendrix from the Army
• The meaning of the words "Gunter Glieben Glauten Globen" are heard on the beginning of Def Leppard's Rock of Ages
• The Oscar winning star that appeared in Madonna's video "La Isla Bonita"

I scored a respectable 38, which the quiz creators deemed as "WHIZ". Try it yourself - click here

White Food

A few months ago I was in Vancouver. In our search for a local restaurant, we asked the Asian young woman working at the clothing store where my wife and I were shopping. She gave us a referral to a restaurant that we had seen previously that looked like an equivalent of Applebee's. When I asked her what type of food they served it sounded like she said Wild Food. I asked her again and she said "White Food". Trying to figure out what white food was, I asked what kind of entrees they had. Her response was they had grilled chicken, burgers, pizza, pasta, etc.

While it was amusing to hear this, it was also pretty offensive. How dare she clump two major continents, North America and Europe into one category and call it White food. I have seen people get stares for calling sushi restaurants Chinese food. And here this young lady is taking food from 1 billion different people and making a blanket statement that we all like French Fries, Mayonaisse, and Peanut Butter and Jelly. By no shape or form am I any sort of white power proponent but as caucasians, we should have some better food types represent us in the eyes of other nationalities.

On a side note, pastas should be considered Asian not "white food" since Marco Polo took this from the East and brought it back to the Italians.

Open Letter to Prick at Woodfield

Dear Jerk,

For some reason you think it is cool to take off your factory installed quality muffler that reduces the level of noise you have on your automobile and replace it with a piece of crap devise that makes it sounds as if your engine came from John Travolta's garage from Rydel High.

The truth is that you are a spoiled, little prick who deserves to be kicked in the balls repeatedly. Your mommy and daddy must have not been present during your upbringing and so you desperately have to rely on upsetting strangers to get any attention.

If you are that much in need for parental advice, I will give it to you. Quit being an asshole. No one likes you!!! It isn't right to rev your engine in a parking garage when people are pushing their babies in strollers. Go study and maybe you can contribute to society instead of being a pimple on the ass of mankind.

Thank you,
Dave

Morrissey, You Clever Bastard

After my countless weeks of blogging (11 total), I cannot believe that have not written about my cultural icon, Steven Patrick Morrissey aka Morrissey aka lead singer of The Smiths. He is the funniest, clever, charming, and true telling lyricists/musician that has come about in the past 25 years.

If you have even seen him in an interview, he comes across as an articulate, informed, and witty intellectual - much different than say David Lee Roth. He is more like Bob Dylan without the marbles in his mouth. His stage presence is second to none (see Youtube Clip -fun begins around 1:00 minute in) . Such drama on stage that one can see why he says that the only time he feels comfortable in life is when he is performing.

I have been a hardcore fan of him and the Smiths for almost 20 years. I have seen Morrissey in concert 9 times. His music has spoken to me with its truthfulness and vulnerability. During adolescence, hearing his dark lyrics help me know that to feel morose was okay.

What prompted me to dwell on the Mozzer recently was hearing the song Rubber Ring. We in the US would call this an inner tube. Rubber Ring has some prophetic lyrics to remind me not forget the music that consoled me in my youth:

But don't forget the songs that made you cry
And the songs that saved your life
Yes, you're older now
And you're a clever swine
But they were the only ones who ever stood by you

Thanks Morrissey for all of the dark, funny, and poignant music and insight throughout the years.

Old Arizona State Articles

Wouldn't it be great if you could go back 10 years and see the thoughts that were swirling around in your young impressionable mind? For me, the answer is a big no. I did a google search on my name and found all the old columns I wrote for the Arizona State University newspaper State Press. Enjoy the bizarre ramblings of a 21 year old who thought he knew everything. By the way, I never realized I used the word "definitely" so much.

Summer 1996
Credit Plague
Column: Living in blissful ignorance
Mesa limits freedom

Fall 1996

Column: Independent candidates offer ray of hope, but no solid platforms
Column: Semen shows prisoners have too much time
Column: Angel of death oversteps limits
Letter: Freaks push extremes to display individuality
Column: Polls do disservice to democracy
Column: Society too lax on criminals
Responses:
Letter: Columnist unjustly attacks child's act
Letter: Solution to crime is not more prisons but empathy, resources and services, student says
Column: Government handcuffs citizens, right to happiness

(search under David G)

Selective Liberalism

The liberal mind is a wonder. Everyone has come across the types who are very free spirited. In fact, I love being around these types of people because I espouse many of the same views.

One trait that the liberal mind is especially proud is its open mindedness. They can accept someone who has an outlandish point of view. If someone worships a pineapple, then that is cool. If they find solace in camping in a desert, doing mind altering drugs, and having unprotected promiscuous consensual sex, then that is cool. If someone spends every week going to an established religious institution like a church or temple, they are idiots!

This type of mentality is what I like to call "Selective Liberalism". Those on the far left wing are accepting of unconventional behavior but frown on those who go about their way of life in a traditional manner. If one possesses an open mind, they should be tolerant of all types of beliefs, whether they be towards the more avante garde or Main Street USA. We should all strive to be more like Lisa Simpson in this way.

Albeit human nature, I try to make a conscious decision to be minimize the level of self righteousness I possess. The only things I am critical of are hypocrites.

ChiTown Hero

If the Higglytown Heroes on Disney's Playhouse can have a garbage man listed as an icon, then I am going to put together my own list of ChiTown Heroes. This week’s installment is of a man who should not be dismissed. When the morale is low, he comes and makes everyone at peace. He is Ronnie Woo Woo.

If you are a sports fan and do not know Ronnie Woo Woo, you should feel ashamed. He is making his case to be part of the baseball hall of fame. Ronnie is a homeless man who wanders the perimeter of Wrigley Field decked out in his “Woo Woo” jersey. Somehow he always makes his way into the game to cheer on his beloved Cubs.

During the eigth inning, morale starts to take a turn for the worst as alcohol sales cease. Drunken fraternity types sidle up next to Ronnie and applaud him in an attempt to have him do what he does best – woo. After little encouragement, Ronnie, opens up his semi-toothed mouth and shouts “Cubs Woo! Go Woo! Cubs Woo!”. The whole bleacher section erupts into a chorus of cheers despite the fact that their team is down four runs.

Ronnie, you are a ChiTown Hero.

Breastfeeding in the USA

My wife may be earthly but she is not some crazy tree hugging hippie. Yet, people are amazed and impressed by her commitment to breastfeeding our son, Baby Jake, who just turned nine months.

There are so many benefits to both the mother and child:

Reduced risk of breast cancer and ovarian cancer for mother

Quicker weight loss for mother - stimulates the uterus to contract back to its original size

Free - don't have to pay $100 a month for formula

Easy - no warming up bottles, cleaning parts, etc.

Lower risk of obesity for child

Provides all nutrients to child - fatty acids, lactose, water, and amino acids

Baby receives antibodies from mother to protect against disease

Breast milk is always sterile

Sucking on breast promotes good jaw development

Creates an early attachment between mother and child

Lower risk of SIDS

Prevents against sleep apnea

With all of this evidence, only 65% of US women nurse their children in their first few days of life and only 36% of women breastfeed at all by 6 months per the Center of Disease Control (click here for data). This is despite the World Health Organization and American Academy of Pediatrics recommending that women breastfeed exclusively for the first six months.

Of course there are some benefits of formula - Less Nipple soreness, Don't have to expose your breast as much in public, Mom can smoke and drink guilt free - but these are pithy compared to the upside. So American women - embrace nursing!! It is a beautiful thing that requires a little getting used to. And please don't look at my wife like she is a Hillary loving tax and spend anti NRA Phish loving beatnik.

Cool Music For Old Guys

Here is Chicago there is a radio station WXRT. They think they are cool because they play the new song by the Rolling Stones or some crappy John Mayer song. Every once in a while, they mix it up by playing a blues song by Buddy Guy. Perhaps, some dude in his 50's might get the illusion that he is happening by blaring this on his European convertible but in reality, it is lameola!!

Trying to stay hip after the age of thirty takes a good commitment. You have to be able to listen to new stuff and a lot of it is bad. I know I find my way over to the oldies station or listening to lite Jazz, which plays George Benson, Sade, and Robin Thicke. The four concerts I have gone to or am going to this year are Morrissey, The Police, Genesis, and The Cure.

Based on different reviews I read and people whose taste I respect, I download some songs to hear some of the newer artists. Below is a list of artists that people over 30 can listen to and feel somewhat legitimately cool but not look as if they are trying hard:

* Amy Winehouse - You may have been disappointed by how boring Nora Jones is. Amy doesn't have the soft sultry voice but packs a powerful wallop of soulful fun songs.
* Death Cab For Cutie - Some songs are hit and miss and the singer's voice is a little effeminate but the songs are all very catchy and easy to bounce or have a background music.
* Lilly Allen - The cool version of Gwen Stefani. Like Amy, another British chick with some spunk with songs that are fun with great lyrics. Give a listen to LDN or Alfie.
* Muse/Killers - They are too different bands but have the same feel - Modern Rock with retro synthesizers. The only difference is Muse is less lame.
* Arcade Fire - A more edgy Bon Jovi. They aren't soft and sissy like Dashboard Confessional and some of their songs have some great lyrics, like Intervention.

There you go. You have been spared from Fergie and Daughtery

Jake's Cool Music Taste

Jake rocks. He is only 9 months old and listens to the coolest music. He loves "Safety Dance", which I replace the words with "Monkey Dance" and make his stuffed monkey perform. He also enjoys Elvis and Barry Manilow as well.

The other reason why he is so cool is that he doesn't let going to bed bring him down. We have an awesome CD which is "The Cure" songs remade into lullabies. After he is laid down in his crib, the CD is turned on and he drifts away to sleep to "Pictures of You", "Boys Don't Cry", and "Just Like Heaven". Click Here for a link to the CD.

Est and I are excited because this morning we got tickets for The Cure show in Chicago in September.

What Is Wrong With Mark on 'Age of Love'?

Mark, Mark, Mark. You are beginning to scare me with the people that you are letting go on the program. Last week you got rid of Lynn, the most attractive of the 40 year old group, and this week you give the axe to Tessa. What is more disturbing is that you kept on Crazy Mary who cries she realizes her shoes are untied. Can anyone look at this picture and choose Mary over Tessa.

There was one aspect of last nights show that redeemed Mark in the eyes of all guys. When Amanda asked him about the other women he had kissed, he replied that "I may have kissed the other girls but you are the only one that I 'kiss kissed'." Anyone with any amount of common sense could tell that this was a bunch of semantic crap. But, little Amanda-the fake breasted hockey cheerleader-ate it right up. Way to go Mark Philipoupopussossuoss.

Are They All Really Heroes

Baby Jake loves TV. Actually, he is interested for 30 seconds and then diverts his attention to the ceiling fan or to mommy who sings "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to him. I love for him watch TV so that I can get an extra 10 minutes of sleep or get dressed in the morning. One channel I know is safe for him to watch is the Disney Channel. The show I put on almost daily is "Higglytown Heroes".

On the show, these wobbly dudes jump up around and sing song until there is a problem. On one show, there is a bee hive in the backyard so the Higglytown Hero was a beekeeper. On another episode, a cat is stuck in a tree and a fireman rescues the kitty, making him the hero. These seem like legitimate superstars.

Within an city limit, there are only a limited number of job classifications that can be considered heroic. There was an episode where some shirts get dirty. The laundry attendant therefore became the Higglytown hero. Grocery clerk, waitress, baker, window washter - These are all jobs that needed and those who perform these tasks should be respected. I just feel weird teaching Jake that a tour guide is some kind of icon that should be revered. Why not just call them "Higglytown Nice Guys". I would be okay with that.

Viva Air Guitar

I went to The Police concert last night at Wrigley Field in Chicago. They were rocking pretty good. Some of there not so good 3 minute songs they extended to 10 minute songs. I had a good time being out with my wife having some adult time together. (Side note: why does saying adult time make one instantly think of pornography?).

During the song "Can't Stand Losing You" they did a five minute instrumental break. At this point in time, I pulled out my air guitar I had snuck in past security. I spread my legs into a mighty power stance and strummed my first chord. From there, I frantically moved my left arm up and down the neck of the instrument to reach all of the notes while my right hand picked away. My jam was so jamming that I switched to the bass half way through. It was at this point that my wife pointed out that I was the only one in the crowd who was doing the air guitar to which I replied "Awesome"!

This beckons the question - Is the Air Guitar losing its ground? It was so much an intregal part of my adolescence. Rocking out to Ratt, Warrant, and Poison would not be complete without this mighty instrument. Has this millenium brought forth a change in tide when pantomime and rocking no longer can coexist?

I anticipate that in one hundred years scholars at Ivy League schools will track American Music and study the lost artform of air guitar. They will pay special attention to the overbite, the kick-out, the ground spasm, and (my favorite) the spin the guitar behind your back.

Oh air guitar. You will be missed. Thank you for so many lovely memories. In honor of the Air Guitar, I have compiled a list of the all-time top air guitar songs:

• Prince - "Let's Go Crazy"
• Van Halen - "Panama" and beginning of "Really Got Me"
• Derrick and the Dominos - "Leyla"
• Foo Fighters - "Everlong"
• Guns N Roses - "Sweet Child O' Mine"
• Pearl Jam - "Alive"
• Poison - "Talk Dirty To Me"
  
• AC/DC -"Back In Black"

Why is "That is so Lame!" Acceptable?

I am very conscious not to use the word "retarded" even though I used it all of the time when I was growing up. I also have used the word "gay" quite a bit, and still do on occasion but make sure what company I am in. Sometimes there is no better description when your brother in law does his hair to look like Ricky Martin and wears a pink polo with the collar turned up.

One word I can say and never fear any repercussions is the word "lame". Which leads me to the question, why are we as a society so cruel to the lame. Are they not people too? When I had shin splints training for the marathon a few years back, my walk was a bit awkward. People called me lame all the time. My coworkers even thought it was cute to call me gimpy. Gimpy for Christ’s sake!!!

So what is my point?! Do I think we should stop calling things lame, like “Baby on Board” signs or “So You Think You Can Dance?”. The answer is no. Please do call them lame. Call them retard and also call them gay. Honestly, who really watches those dance shows. Let us be balanced in our derogatory comments. That is what our forefathers would have wanted it.

Cool Link of the Week

I always love a good website to kill some time, especially ones with a lot of data that I can sink my teeth into. I recently found a great one, City Data!

On this website, you can look up cities across the United State and retrieve information on:
* Population
* Level of Education of your community
* Average House Price
* Average Weather
* Famous people born in a specific city

Another interesting element is that you can see who the sexual offenders are in your area. Upon looking at the list of deviants, there looks to be an unwritten heirarchy of perverts. The worst is rape, followed by Aggravated Kidnaping Of A Child and then Aggravated Criminal Sexual Abuse. In comparison, the least offensive is Child Pornography/film/photos.

I took a look to see what sort of deviants live in my community. Sure enough, there was one that I knew who lives down the street from us. I met the guy a few weeks back at a our block party and he seemed like a nice guy - married with two kids. Suffice to say, it was quite a surprise to see him pop-up on the list. He offense was listed as kiddy porn, which I hope is that he accidently ran across a website with a naked 17 year old for two seconds. Regardless, I don't think Baby Gee will be playing with his kids anytime in the next 18 years.

Jake's Favorite Things

Baby Jake has recently turned 8 months and he is the most perfect baby in the post-cold war era. (The most perfect baby during the cold war was the little Shirley Temple). He can now roll, crawl somewhat, blend his cries with his laughter, and do raspberries. As a tribute to him, I am publishing this top five things in the world: 1. Ceiling Fans: The little guy can't get enough of seeing the magical wheel spin in the sky. It keeps going and going providing an endless supply of draftiness mixed with entertainment. 2. Banging Things: While in the tub, Baby Jake takes the plastic Nemo and bangs him against the side. During feedings, he bangs his open palm on the tray. During Playtime, he takes his block and bangs it against the train. In front of the piano, his little damp fingers bang on the black and whiles. This little boy love to bang.
3. Tad the Counting Frog - Whenever the little guy gets all worked up - crying and such, I press Tad's foot and he starts to speak - "Hi. I'm Tad. Sing a counting song with me." Upon which, he counts to ten and daddy makes him dance. 4. Elmo - At least it is better than Barney. 5. Mommy- I'll admit that Jake loves his mommy more than me. However, she had a nine month start of getting to know him and she nurses him a couple times a day.

Greatest 80's Song Ever!!!

Sure, the eighties have produced some remarkable hits - Rock Me Amadeus, Come On Eileen, Electric Avenue - but most of these songs are void of any sort of message. They may pick you up and make you want to snap your fingers, but you have to comb very finely this rich catalogue of music in order to uncover the ditty that has great lyrics, a fantastic beat, as well as a public service announcement. The only song that I know that has this richness is the classic by Men Without Hats, Safety Dance.

Prior to the release of this song, Caucasians were flailing their arms around like George Michael in the Wake Me Up Before You Go Go video. With elbows flying in the are and bottom lips being bitten, no one was safe on the dance floor. Men Without Hats sought to end this madness.

They had a lot of guts too because most songs with a message, have that point made subtly so you have to listen hard to interpret the meaning. The answer is Blowing in the Wind. What the hell does that mean. We sure know what Safety Dance means. "We Can Dance, We Can Dance, Everybody look at your hands". Brilliant!!! Make sure your hands are attached to your body. Don't punch the Robert Smith look alike by accident.

The icing on the cake is that they don't just say Safety Dance about a thousand times, they also spell it out, literally. S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y.

If you don't think this is the eptiome of 80's genius, then you obviously do not know music or pop culture.

Oh The Joys of Cemetaries

Driving past what seemed like 100 acres of cemetary, you can't help but to feel a bit morose. Aisle after endless aisle of tombstones that time has forgotten. I couldn't help but think that this is all that we will become. Maybe for a generations our children will visit our own gravesites once a year for mother's/father's day. Our grandchildren out of morbid curiosity will want to see the site of the person who gave them their strange genetic mutation. Then after 50 years, no one will visit your site, except some crazy teenagers who want to scare their dates enough so that they can score with them later on.

Anyway, have a nice day!

What is with the Spelling in Hip Hop Songs

I have to admit, I don't get hip hop. I enjoy the beats and there are certain artist like Kanye West, Jay Z, and Eminem that I think compose lyrics that are insightful and thought provoking. On a side note, props to Kanye West for using his real name and not some ludicrous (or ludacris for some of you) nickname.

The part of hip hop or pop songs that really confuse me are when singers or rappers feel the need to spell. D-to the E- to the L-I-C-I-O-U-S. WOW!!! This guy knows how to spell delicious. Every Fergie songs seems to have the need to do this. G-L-A-M-O-U-R-O-U-S. Are you showing off that eighth grade education. Good for you!!! You can spell three syllable words. Take that geeky Scripps National Spelling Bee kids.

For God's sake, don't start all the hip hop songs with "Uh" or "Yeah" and bring in some instruments. Some besides the producer has to have some talent in this industry.

Gymboree

I am the lamest guy for looking forward to Gymboree every Saturday. I take my seven month old there and if anyone I went to junior high saw me, would swear I turned gay. I talk high pitch saying, "Jakey, look at daddy rocking you. What a big boy. You are the smootchiest". My everyday interactions usually don't consist of this jibberjabber. Altough, I wouldn't be opposed to them having little droplets. It would be great to talk to my boss and say, "Wait a little pootchky poo minute while I get that report."

I felt really lame when I was making requests to the facilitator. "Can we do the 'One Potato, Two Potato'?". I think I spoke for the group when I requested this because everyone seemed up for it, especially that kid Johnny. He thinks he is so cool because he can crawl and he has eight teeth. All that I know is that Jake could kick his ass in a Sumo wrestling competition. And that cute girl Addison, you think you are so cool with your little sun dress! The other infants think you are a tease. So take that.

By the way, what is up with them turning every song into a promotion for Gymboree. "The Wheels on the bus go to Gymboree"? No they don't! They go around and round. "One Little Two Little Bubbles Here at Gymboree"? First of all, it should be Indians. Is it a politically incorrect to count Indians now? I probably should back off on that one and admit it is a bit wrong. If I said "One little, two little, three little Jews" it would sound pretty bad.

Did I mention I love Gymboree?