Wednesday, April 30, 2008

David Archuleta - New Theory

After seeing Archuletas gay Neil Diamond performances last night and hearing Randy's rave about the suckfest, I have a new theory. Perhaps I am not on the Truman Show where I am the only one not getting the joke, especially since I seem to be getting a lot of hits with people searching "David Archuleta Sucks". Maybe Archie's dad is paying off Randy and the nation to say good things about the little asthmatic.

I believe this to be true because Cowell now isn't even buying the post nasal drip voiced geeks performance, saying it is amateurish. Maybe Pa Archuleta couldn't afford Cowell anymore and he is saying it straight. We'll see, won't we.

On another topic, someone recently came to this site after searching on "Lifetime Fitness Center Sex Parties". What the hell is that!! I don't like using equipment after someone sweats on it much less leaves other bodily fluids. Let's hope this is just happening in the Phoenix facility. They are a deviant bunch down there.

Two Worlds Collide

My two biggest topics on this blog seem to be about Gymboree and Lifetime Fitness. How strange and inevitable it was to see my two worlds collide on Sunday. There I was in the pool with my 18 month old when we swam by the mushroom shaped thing that drips down water. A mother and her two children were circling it singing "Round and Round the garden goes the little bear. One, two, three, four.. tickle under there". They giggled as they tickled themselves, which seemed a bit ridiculous for four or five years olds doing that crap but each to their own.

The little guy and I just swam around. I held him on the kickboard while he did some surfing. There were a few strange kids who approached me. One was telling me how he could throw the ball better than my son and could show me. I told him to buzz off. I would hope a seven year old could throw the ball better than an infant. The same nudnik showed me how he could walk on his hands. Another little girl was very nice. She offered the noodle floatie thing for my son to use. We swapped the ball for the floatie and it was fine for 10 minute.

We always try to leave the pool five minutes before safety break so we won't have to wait for the shower. My son's dad has his act together.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

More Gymboree Songs

Hello, Hello,
Hello and how are you
I'm Fine, I'm Fine
and hope that you two

(Sung to Frere Jacques)
Hello (Name), Hello (Name)
How are you? How are you?
We're glad you came to music
We're glad you came to music
How are you?How are you?

(rubbing tummy)
Round and Round The Circle
Goes the little bear
One, Two, Three, Four
(tickling neck) Tickle under there

(baby sitting on lap, kicking)
I have a little bicycle
I ride it to and fro
And When I see that big green light
I know it's time to go
(kicking faster)
I have a little bicycle
I ride it round the block
And When I see that big red light
I know it's time to stop(stop kicking)

Monday, April 21, 2008

Too Sarcastic for Own Good

Today I had a bit of an eye opening experience. My family, our neighbors, and I went to a local little pub for some dinner. I know that we can be a waitress worst enemy. Our son has allergies so we have to reinforce that there cannot be fish or dairy near his food, we ask for extra plates, napkins, and we ask for lots of bread (otherwise the youngin' gets feisty).

The waitress took us on like she was Roy Jones Jr. "Bring it on, you biatches" was how she responde to each request, and she did so with a smile. At the end of the dinner, I remarked to the other couple, "She was the best waitress I had in 2 years." My other dude responded, "Well I thought she did a good job." To which I had to state that I was being sincere and thought she really was good.

This got me thinking, I am just a sarcastic prick who says things to always imply the opposite. I do say the following:

* "Well this is perfect" when I come across traffic
* "Thanks for fixing me dinner" to my wife when I come home to find take out
* "What a beautiful part of town" when I drive through the ghetto

I have become the annoying sarcastic slacker dude. I don't know why it took the waitress comment for this to click in. Almost everything on this blog is satire. I have been getting better with my passive aggressive ways. Rather than say "that David Archuleta sure can sing" I say "David Archuleta sucks". That is progress, isn't it?

Monday, April 14, 2008

International Gymboree

When I think Gymboree, I think dorky American parents being goofy with their kids. I am pleasantly surprised when I check my blog visitor records and see so many people checking my blog to find out the words to "There are Bubbles in the Air". Recent visitors have come from across the globe: France, Canada, Japan, Indonesia, China, Argentina, Thailand, Switzerland, and Singapore.

It is equally interesting to see that people in Dublin also hate David Archuleta.

Lastly, my son Jake is awesome because he went poop in the potty yesterday. I saw his red face and heard grunting and immediately grabbed him, plopped him on the toilet and the little green and brown bundt cake shaped dookie make a pleasant 'bloop' as it entered the toilet water.

Friday, April 11, 2008

David Archuleta: Please let me in on the Joke

Alright. I concede defeat. I don't get why this cruel joke is being played on me. Sanjaya I can understand. The ten to fourteen year old girls think he is cute and funny. He had silly hair that they loved so they voted for him to have him pass through to the next round. However, the judges demonized him as a crap singer.

Now this kid Archuleta keeps passing through to each round and the judges think he is crazy hot! What is it I am not getting. When I hear him sing, I want to get out my son's aspirator and clear his nose of all that post nasal drip . His easy listening songs are more suitable for a 45 year old than a 17 year old.

The only thing that I can conclude is that I am living in a huge bubble, similar to Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. The whole world is playing a joke on me. Any minute, there will be Ashton Kutcher with his trucker hat fixated sideways on his head running through my door yelling gotcha. I am going to save him and the rest of the world the effort and expense. I give up. Please stop the joke. I don't get it and I don't even know why I would take the energy to write this other than feeling immense confusion. Am I really the only one who feels this way? This is young, poppy American Idol. Not "So You Think You Are A Teenagers With Asthma Who Can Play Adult Contemporary".

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Old Man Shlong at Lifetime Fitness

5:00 Lifetime Fitness. The place is pretty packed for a Wednesday morning and overall, I was happy with the experience. I am jealous that my Lifetime is only a platinum gym whereas the one opening up in Vernon Hills is Onyx. But, I am happy to learn new precious gems.

The music was hot, if this was 1996. The cool 90s songs including Bush - "Come Down" and the Gin Blossoms "Hear It From You". They actually played a somewhat new song - "Clumsy by Fergie". The Temptations "My Girl" was busted out. What amused me about this is how unpolished they were for their dance moves.

After my workout, I hit the shower. My routine is get undress quickly and jump in the shower. I then dry off and get dresses. This is a process one would think would be how most people going to the gym before work. For some reason when I exit the shower there is an old chubby guy chilling in his birthday suit talking to another old naked guy. Never in my life would I want to have a naked penis conversation with my friend, but apparently old guys are okay with it. At least I have motivation to keep my weight off. Otherwise, I would tubby up and not be able to keep the towel around my waist.

Friday, April 4, 2008

18 Month Words

My little boy Jake will be turning 18 months in two weeks. Does he recite Shakespeare, no? Can he say some stuff, hell yeah! Because he has mad smarts, you. What words does baby Jake say, you ask. Well here they are:
  1. Baby
  2. Bee
  3. Turtle
  4. Moo (cow)
  5. Baa (sheep)Maa (goat)
  6. Bloop Bloop (fish)
  7. Hee Haw (donkey)
  8. Boo (ghost)
  9. Shoes
  10. Tree
  11. Truck
  12. Daddy
  13. Hi
  14. Mama
  15. Nana
  16. Papa
  17. BaBa (his uncle)
  18. Book
  19. This
  20. That
  21. Pee

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

They Got Me With Fake Review

My blood began to boil yesterday as I was driving home listening to NPR. They gave a glowing review of someone named Simon Fuegel's lastest composition with some song called 'B-Flat'. The critic stated how he had been mesmerized listening to the song in recent days. They then played the track which started out with a trombone playing the whole note b-flat. You know the one between A and B, sometimes known as A sharp. The song progressed with additional solo instruments playing the same note.
I kept thinking this was a bunch of pretentious crap. The final instrument was a synthesizer. The critic spoke about the commentary this gave about our times - Progress, technology, and fabrication. At this point, I wanted my contribution back. I could not believe I was paying money for this hooey or there had to be a 'gotcha' at the end. When I got back home I told my wife about how ridiculous this was and how my 17 month old son could already write better music.
This morning I found it was all an April Fool's Day joke. They got me and thank heavens or else I would have had to switch to Limbaugh. Here is the link to the full bogus story.